Responsibility with a handicap

Work was quiet, just me and one other guy in the department were in today, he’s the guy who sits opposite me. He made some attempts to communicate but I squandered them, they were work relates icebreakers but my responses weren’t good enough for different reasons each time, my comments reflected badly on myself or I didn’t express myself well enough and was unclear. He spoke about NETFLIX shows to the lone person in working social media today, he’s into Star Wars but I had nothing to jump in with.

I was able to keep on top of work to the best of my abilities but I’m still lacking the knowledge to perform one semi-vital action on the system, at first I was just mildly annoyed that no one taught me this but now I’m upset, I discovered the quirky guy knows how to do it, I don’t know who taught him but I feel as if I’m valued less. I’m just going to irritate my manger/coach by asking them to do stuff for me and maybe even screw up a little to drive home the point that I can’t do this thing that I was never taught to do and how do they expect me to do my job properly? It’s really making me unhappy, it makes my life more difficult but no one seems to care. Bitterness is another emotion I’m feeling, perhaps the strongest.

Messed up at the end of the day, when I was the only person in the department left, it should go undiscovered though. A guy asked me something, I needed him to repeat himself 3 times, I shouldn’t have needed that, I feel as if I hurt his feelings and insulted him. It was just one word I struggled with.

At home I saw my sister watching Strictly Come Dancing in SD, I picked up the remote next to her and switched it to HD, she was annoyed for some reason and switched it back to SD out of spite, in retaliation I pulled the TV aerial from the box, she went upstairs. At the end of the day we were on better terms, shared some laughs.

I overheard a conversation, the trans person was fired and coworkers were being mean to them. I wonder what could have been the cause of the firing if others are aware of it and assume they didn’t just quit like I did? Tragic that due to my poor social skills this mystery will forever go unsolved.

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Injured warrior

I woke up with a cold this morning, my nose ran like a faucet all day, I was running to the bathroom every hour to get more tissue paper. Despite how often I got up I was unable to maintain a strong and hygienic image, I did the usual desperate a messy things when my tissue was soaked or I had to sneeze. Later it the day I also developed a fever and became light headed. My limbs also hurt and it’s difficult to move around. I powered through the day, I’ve never taken a day-off for genuinely being unwell, I’m sure people notice, I looked a mess.

Didn’t talk to anyone apart from my manager and another coworker I needed quick aid from. There was a very short mostly work related interaction at the start of the day with the quirky guy and another guy, I just had to go over and tell them something. During lunch is brought some Coke Zero, I’m not sure why I thought it’d make me feel better, I only took a few sips. While sitting down, drinking and playing Hearthstone, the quirky guy sat a few seats away, I guess it was my turn to interact or he’s just given up on me.

Getting into and leaving work I noticed a lot of people wearing black, navy and khaki coats, I was among that number. I wish I had the courage and fashion sense to wear something bolder and more expressive. On the train to work this runt decided to stand directly opposite me so he could be in fucking distance of his two equally inbred uni pals. Made reading my news paper difficult but he was able to read his A5 sized med book with relative ease. I tried to make things uncomfortable for him by leaning my paper against his head.

Things kicked off with the sisters again, they hate that my mum is favouring me despite acknowledging my fragile attachment. This time it was an argument about food, the worst part of this one was that I made a brilliant effort today, as soon as I got home I complimented one sisters new glasses and the others top.

Saw a young white girl leaving a shisha bar, not sure what to make of it.

Saw the trans ex-colleague again too.

On even ground (or there abouts)

I’m finding my balance at work, I had one query that I had to close today, it had 34 replies in the email chain but I was finally able to shut it down even if the customer was moderately unhappy. I also had a short meeting with my manager along with the two other new people to the team (quirky guy and bully guy, bully guy is working social media), nothing much was said, he was just formally introducing himself and asking how we were getting on. I think I did something wrong at the end when I was asked if I was sure I was getting on OK, not sure if I was being laughed at or it was just a polite awkward laugh.

Didn’t talk much during the day, it was just a very short exchange with the little guy, asked how he was doing, brought attention to his Manchester United Official Museum Tour thing around his neck, he gave me a story about how he used to live in America, met a Swiss guy and they met up again recently.

My throat is sore now somehow despite not speaking much.

Pretty sure the trans person has a new job, saw them as I was going to and leaving work, I assumed the ID card around their neck was their university ID card but I don’t believe that’s the case anymore. Would probably be weird to talk to them now, insulting even.

My current plan is to get more antidepressants, get energy and then join a book club to make friends. Moving out can come at any point during this step, if I fail making friends I’ll go back into counselling since I would have made an effort as suggested by my previous counsellor and failed.

Detaching

Work was pretty much the same as usual, I’m coping with the work but it’s a balancing act, I’m close to messing up irreparably every day. Still not talking to anyone on or around my desk.

Apart from my manager and a short interaction with the little guy who popped around to my work area to ask another person a question, the only interaction I had was during my lunch period when the quirky guy interacted with me (suspects he reads this blog, if so, please leave me alone, it’s painful). He said something about Persona 5, I didn’t catch it so I just said I Platinum’s it and sold it, I didn’t really hear his reply either, I think he said “guess that means you’re not playing it”, he went on about some collector editions for the game, I responded with facts, looking back he might have said he bought the game, I don’t know why I had such difficulty hearing him. I was rude not to talk more about the game if this was the case. He looked disappointed when I said I don’t collect vidya, I play and sell my games, he has his on display against a wall, I should have responded with details of my comic book collecting.

Saw the trans person on my way to work, think they’ve quit now and are back at uni. Eye contact was made, I said “hey”.

At home I had a lengthy and loud argument with my sister, she admitted to reading the letter from my counsellor to my GP, she wants me to take up the offer of therapy, I declined but she wouldn’t relent until I said it would take months before I am seen. My sister believes I’m the cause of my mothers anxiety and erratic behavior.

I need to find a book club or social group ASAP.

Ghost

Today was a blur of nothingness, the train was even more crowded than usual now that the students have resumed or begun their 3 year social vacations in exchange for £30,000 debt. I went almost the entire day without speaking to anyone at work, the one exception was my manager around 30 minutes to quitting time, I needed him to process something, usually ask my coach but she wasn’t in. Turns out my manager can’t do it, he was also a bit awkward about it, I find him more approachable now.

I spotted the quirky guy sitting down during lunch. I didn’t approach, I’d like to know if he is as stressed as I am but I don’t actually want to have a real and potentially lengthy conversation. I spent my hour playing Hearthstone. 

Not buying anything, just saving up for nothing.

Another minor argument was had with my sisters but we were laughing a few hours later.

Wasted day, waste of life, skin & breath

Last day of freedom before I start 7 straight days of wageslaving, I spent my time as productively as ever, played the same game, watched the same show and over-ate again.

I did venture out to a new burger place (Orlando Fried Chicken) but it seems to be run by the same guys from Arizonas, I wasn’t sure at first but as I was leaving the guy serving me started giving me the same alleged abuse in his native language as the last time I was in Arizonas. Won’t be going back here.

My manga arrived. I plan on reading it on the train to and from my trial.

My sister declared there will be a family meeting on Friday, it’s either to out me as trans or force me to get mental health help again. I hate how she refuses to accept there’s nothing wrong with me, I don’t understand why she does it either. Told her I’m moving out in a month, she said that would just make people worry more.

I’m considering making a GP appointed, I’ll just ask for the drugs again but currently not sure if I’ll bother attending, might cancel if I decide I don’t need it.

3000+ calories

I hate myself for constantly stuffing my face today despite sharp stabbing pains in my chest, heck, they just made me want to eat the pain away.

Watched more OitNB. My brother came to visit, I refused to play Monkey Island with him (might have been a card game with a similar name).

I also watched the newer Annie film.

Didn’t leave the house, feeling anxiety over work again, I keep thinking of slitting my wrists, that that might be a way out of this.

Losing on Hearthstone is getting me down, despite making a friend through it, I may need to quit and finally start reading books.