The verdict

Here’s the run down of my court proceedings and the verdict. Didn’t update last night because I was exhausted.

October (part 1 of the trial)

My case wasn’t heard until the afternoon at 2pm, in the meantime I sat outside the courtroom, had a little chat with some kid and his mum who offered gum. Said I wasn’t up for anything cool like him (he was on an assault charge). The detective floundered about, he didn’t know where the court was, I pointed it out to him, he looked shocked as he didn’t notice me at first. Later I starred at him going to the bathroom, he looked back at me and looked puzzled and shrugged. I think I waved. Mind games.

 it was a little earlier though that I had learned that 2 of the 4 charges had been dropped. One of them presumably because one of the Poles had fled back to their natural habitat and because the charge was ridiculous to begin with. There were to be three witnesses testifying. The Polish girl from uni, the random staff member and the detective (for some reason). Polish girl and the random staff member were both up for around 40 minutes. Both quite boring, spent a lot of time saying not much at all. My solicitor only had one real question for either of them when cross examining, got them to admit they didn’t *know* I made those posts. 

The uni staff member was annoying, she was smiling and looked to be enjoying the attention. Didn’t seem to register to her how cruel her actions were, she even described an email where I allude to suicide as just “woe is me”. The polish girls bf was in the court room too, looked quite serious. I gave him a wave since he we were both aware of the other and this is the time seeing each other in the flesh.

Court time ran out and the case was adjourned to November, a month later. Towards the end of the day I could hear the Poles whispering about me.

November (party 2 of the trial)

The second part of my trial lasted around 5 hours starting at 12pm, it ended at 6pm, 2 hours after the court closes. The detective was now giving his testimony, he was nervous and completely out of place, he said nothing of value and my solicitor pointed out how pointless he was. I’m sure detective wouldn’t disagree. It was interesting though since he was asked to read of exerts of the blog by the prosecutor, everything sounded more impactful coming from him. He also said “paki” when reading out a comment. He also called me an attention seeker.

The prosector and my solicitor spent an hour or so then just talking about stuff that didn’t matter like this blog and some emails. The only criminal things were the 4chan posts. The judge took half an hour to think stuff over and decided there was a case to be had (or something) so I wouldn’t be acquitted. My solicitor advised me not to testify in my defence since it was pointless, I couldn’t say anything new (we were now on the defence phase of the trial since the judge OK’d the case to proceed). I decided not to testify because of the time, it was late, it didn’t want to come up again.

The judge/sheriff decided she couldn’t come to a decision today, needed to think it over and it would happen tomorrow. I didn’t need to be present. 


Got the call from my solicitor. Guilty on 1 (one) charge. Sentencing will be next month, there’s zero chance of prison and before sentencing I’ll need to speak to a social worker(?) for the sake of a background report.

Work itself was fine though, speaking more and to more people. Little guy noted my hair is getting long. Played Pokemon Ultra Moon during lunch since it arrived early. Disappointing so far, it’s not a sequel, it’s a retelling, more like a third version.


The night before

The finale of my year long court saga concludes tomorrow. A supposedly final showdown between myself and those who sought my destruction. I expect the correct result will be reached, the only concern on my mind is coming up with an excuse for not being at work tomorrow.

Good day at work, I was able to talk well with the tall guy, I suggested general topics like football and a Lords of the Rings TV adaptation (thanks reddit!) which were both able to generate animated and genuine conversation. He also likes “His dark materials”, I responded properly by asking questions about his interest.

The quirky guy at work messaged me on the companys instant messaging program to ask something work related, he then asked if I knew how to perform a certain technical action on our companys software. He does. I don’t. I said I enjoy doing it the hard way. This depressed me when I first started a couple of months ago because I felt undervalued and excluded since everyone else on the team can do it. Thought I’d gotten over it but now I’ve regressed back to that bitter and self-loathing point.

There are a couple of qts at work who spend lunch and breaks sitting on their own, I wonder if they’re as miserable as me.

Reading some Kaiji before getting some rest. Big day tomorrow.

Can’t wake up

I spent today in a constant daze, I couldn’t completely wake up. I didn’t speak to the woman sitting next to me and I took my dinner early because I needed a boost. Ate a chicken mayo baguette. I’m doing 12-8 shifts this week, so this will likely remain my state until my respite.

Dreading pulling another sicky at work, considering going for a family emergency or something else that elicits less sympathy.

It’s bitterly cold, walking outside is painful, it makes me feel like quitting my job and hibernating for a while. When I’m warm, it’s easier to become mentally numb too.

My relationship with my mother is still great. I need to build on this.

Wasting away

I finished watching Stranger things with my mum, it’s nice to have something semi-regular to do with someone who enjoys spending time with me. Didn’t play any vidya, sold Sonic Forces. Still spending hours browsing things to buy without ever pulling the trigger, I shouldn’t be surprised since I don’t want or need anything.

I ate poorly again. Skipping lunch on alternate days is not enough.

The only outing was a short one to town to buy batteries for the television remote. It was bitterly cold, enough to force me to avoid leaving home unless it’s absolutely necessary in the future.

Watched WWE Raw, it sucks, I really haven’t missed anything recently.

Got around to eplilating my legs.

My sisters still hate me. Still ignoring my dads existence to the best of my ability.

I’m not sure if the Sertraline is working. My mood hasn’t hit lows but I still mostly feel numb and can’t handle real thoughts.

wow, it’s nothing

I finished Sonic Forces, only took 3 hours today, got some of the easier trophies but it’s not fun enough to grind the rest. If I can get something close to what I originally paid for it, I won’t consider it a terrible purchase. It’s perfect in the sense that it kept me busy until Pokemon Ultra SM though.

In the morning my sister told me to kill myself again and another got mad because she felt my mother was treating her differently to me. Everton was pestering me to clean my bedroom for some reason. I eventually did it out of boredom.

I think an older woman in a car honked her horn and waved at me today, she was blonde with curly hair, I didn’t recognise her. Must have misunderstood what occurred. This was during on my two trips outside, I bought a burger meal the second time and the first I went into the town centre, popped into a general crap shop. It was run by two pakis, they sold mobile phone related stuff, TCGs and the usual stuff you’d find in a paki shop. When I was a kid, I entered the place to buy a YuGiOh deck but when I grabbed the package from the display the shop guy got mad at me, shouted at me leave (I assume, since he didn’t speak English). On this day though I had my revenge. I entered the shop, went up to the counter, looked at the TCG mercy, the guy behind the counter asked if he could help me, I ignored him, a while later the other paki working in the shop spoke to me, I ignored him too. Then I walked out. The shop was empty, I felt powerful.

Unsurprisingly, I ate poorly.

Watched X-Factor and Strictly while playing Hearthstone.

Still trying to fill the void by browsing for things I don’t really want or need.

Recently I’ve continued to fantasise about having a gf (and being male in those fantasys), it’s confusing as I possibly want a girlfriend but the thought of sex with a woman is still unappealing. My fantasys involve people at work knowing I have a gf and having opinions on it (amusement, impressed, curiosity). I guess I want to both be considered normal and receive some attention for being interesting.

5 days until the trial concludes

Nothing of note to report. I went to work, talked a little to the same person, played Hearthstone during lunch, went home and over-ate while watching television. Today I half watched the England football game.

Pokémon has been causing me some stress so I’ve finally killed it off (partially) by buying a used 3DS so I transfer my Pokemon to bank and eternally have a complete Pokedex.

I need a break to recharge myself, feeling fatigued again, the stronger antidepressants seem to be heightening the negative symptoms of my condition.

On the brink of failure again

Someone at work claimed I’m starting to speak to myself, I denied this and retorted that I only mouth stuff, I don’t say anything aloud. Made some poorly thought out comments on rape and the recent sexual harassment scandals to a woman too. There was a short interaction with the tall guy I used to talk to more often, he seemed to to flee quickly even though the conversation was fine. I didn’t know how to respond to him bringing up his family again.

I made another mistake at work, that’s two this month, both really unimpressive and simply caused by lack of proper observation and not carrying out the action I said I would. A third one will lead to investigation.

During lunch I went to my usual spot to eat my sandwich (chicken mayo, 500 cals), it’s just opposite a shop. While eating, I saw a woman from work leaving the store with her friend, I wasn’t sure it was her at first so stared a bit, as soon as it dawned who it was, I looked away. Not sure if they saw me. I then decided to go to a bookstore, my other regular hangout used to kill time during my lunch break. At the entrance I saw the woman from work had beaten me there and must have seen me heading the same way, probably thinks I’m stalking her. I decided to skip the shop and just go back to work.

I overrate at home, 7 chocolate digestive biscuits.