No power

No blog post last night since there was blackout throughout my street. Ended up going to sleep early as a result. The day was mostly uneventful, apart from at work where I had to sit at a different desk since there were renovations going on, I sat next to an older new guy, really new, I helped him during every other call he had, it felt great being useful and appreciated. I started thinking why I desperately want to help others and then I believe it is because my dad forced me to help him when I was younger so I feel this is the only way I can attain any worth since my father told me explicitly that if I wouldn’t do what he wanted, he had no use for me. It’s also important that I offer aid freely, it gives me the control that I lacked.

Had some good conversations with the new guy too, jokes, work stuff and stuff about customers. Made another enemy, just someone who gives the impression that they dislike me and is allied with one of my enemies.

I couldn’t find anyone on 4chan to attend the football game with me so the tickets I bought just went to waste. Feels terrible knowing I can’t even pay people to hang out with me.

The next day, a woman pointed out I had a bird feather in my hair and pulled it out just before I got off the train. At work I sat next to the new guy again, the conversations were not as good as the previous day. Brought in the guy sitting opposite into the chatter, thought he might not be a normie then he mentioned his flatmate. He greeted me in the break room but I said nothing.

At the end of the day I realised I fucked up, didn’t check one of the systems and something fell through the net, this customer will need to be paid off, it’s a small amount but this one error is worse than the 20 or so I’ve reported my colleagues/enemies for. Disappointed in myself and not sure how I completely missed it. I suppose it’s better than performing the wrong action, this just makes me look forgetful, I’ll cover for the other two people who were on my shift and should have caught it if I didn’t.

On the way home, drunk football fans called me “love”. At home my mother called me “ape man” due to my hair and I told her about what happened on the train and she laughed. She didn’t know if it was worse that people saw me as a woman. Gave me some chocolates later as an apology.

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All I need is me

I, like my colleagues (except the newer people), were assigned emails, I finished mine quickly, then got some more. Seemed a thankless and pointless endeavour, being better at your job means you get more difficult work despite being paid the same. I whinged about it to the woman sitting next to me but she didn’t agree, also brought up the job we both applied to a month ago, pretty satisfying that we did it in front of the woman who got the job instead of us. I didn’t go so far as to say it was rigged.

Later in the day I went to grab lunch, a woman in town called me “miss”, she was a paki, might have had poor eye sight and was a charity collector or sorts but it still felt nice. I ignored her completely.

Back at work, I entered the break room, saw the normies sitting in the middle of the room, plenty of space around them but I chose to walk past them like they weren’t even there. I could tell the quirky guy was looking at me as I walked by. He might have even said something but I wouldn’t know, I didn’t acknowledge him. I sat on the other end of the room to eat my tuna baguette. I’m not even sure why I’m feel antagonistic towards the guy. I guess I just feel I’m pathetic for wanting his friendship, it’s desperate, in order to regain my self-esteem I need to not want this anymore.

No one took up my offer to attend the football tomorrow, I guess I’ll just go to work as normal then.

I’m sticking firmly to 1600 calories even on a bad day now.

 

An unhealthy place

At work, I didn’t get the queue I wanted again. I noticed though that I was the only one assigned specific emails to work on in addition to my queue, I don’t know why, I can either take it positively by assuming that I’m thought of as someone who can deal with awkward queries. Alternatively, I can take it negatively, that I’m thought of someone who won’t do the difficult queries unless I’m forced to.

I went to go out to grab lunch, a tuna baguette and coke zero. Had to run around a bit to find a cash machine since my store was unable to take card payments that day. Under 500 calories. When I got back to the office building, I entered the break room, I saw the normies (including the quirky guy) huddled in the middle of the room and a seat available next to them. I stopped in my tracks for a second, considered sitting next to them but decided not to since there was probably someone already there, they’d just gotten up for some reason. They continuously talked in an excited manner, made plans to go to the zoo together and I just sat in the corner eating my tuna baguette. It was clear I didn’t belong among them. On their way out, the quirky guy said “‘sup” and I replied with a high pitched “hello”, even waved. I’m perhaps being to harsh as if the situations were reversed, they may have moved to sit near me, I would have been uncomfortable though.

Sounds like Stacy might be getting the promotion, I know I’ll quit if that’s the case. Might make an impact since they’ll be losing a total of 2 people from the team as we get closer to the busy period. Woman sitting next to me asked about the apprenticeship I applied for but I didn’t have much to say, I really don’t know the details. She knew about my interviews because I emailed 4 members of the team for a shift slide, I needed to swap their late shift for my early one so I could attend an interview. I didn’t get a reply within the first hour so I put in a holiday request instead – my manager accepted this instantly, she’s nice. I was a bit offended that I happily accepted shift swaps with literally everyone else on the team (except the newest people) but none of them would initially do the same for me. One guy did eventually accept but by then it was too late. I felt bad for no longer needing him.

I watched DragonBall Super at home, onto episodes that haven’t been dubbed now. Read some Kaiji.

Doors open, time to shut the window

Stacy got the queue today, not happy about that unless I get it for the entirety of next week when she’s on the late shift. She’s also going for a promotion, up against better suited/more experienced people, I’ll quit on the spot if she gets it. I think the old/new manager is recognising that I’m more competent than the other people on the team, that’s the only positive note from work to report and even that’s just speculation. I screwed up a little but covered myself. Apart from annoying my team coach, I walked into the break room at lunch and encountered the quirky guy and the female he sits with (this is despite remaining outside the office for an extended period to avoid him). He stated “you can ask him now if you like”, I stopped and turned to them, before the female could complete her request I cut her off and said “if it’s a shift swap then it’s a no, since I’d lose a rest day”. Her female friend who was also there quickly chimed in and advised that she was just asking for a shift slide, so she takes my early shift and I take her late one. I replied that that was nothing and agreed before walking off and eating my Katsu Wrap in a corner.

On the way home I sat next to a woman and a baby, the baby pulled my hair and batted its arms against my body, it was cute. I laughed. When I got home, I perhaps overate, still 1600 calories at most. The following 4 hours were spent watching DragonBall Super.

I booked myself in for the assessment centre for my apprenticeship, it’s going to be in Newcastle and pretty comprehensive. Fortunately, I also received confirmation of my job application and so booked myself in for an interview for that too. I should get one or the other, it’ll keep me optimistic for the time being at least. Not until May so I get 2 weeks of optimism even if the interview/assessment goes terribly.

It’s Super

At work, I got “the queue”. It’s still concerning that no one apart from myself and Stacy have been assigned to it yet. I’m curious what’s going through my managers head every time I get placed on it, could be something like “hope giving baby his bottle stops him throwing a bitch fit this month”.

I think Stacy finally hates me now, just some looks I’ve gotten. I attempted to speak to a colleague at one point but couldn’t speak clearly, both in terms of voice and sentence structure. The old/new manager commented on my hair again, I washed it today and she said “strong hair game”, also asked why she doesn’t see me much anymore, I mumbled something about Mondays.

My diet is going fairly well, porridge for breakfast, a 400 calorie wrap for lunch but two chicken sandwiches once I got home.

On the train home, I spoke with a couple of drunk guys, they asked about the game I was playing (Hearthstone) and about my work. The conversation was enjoyable, they were fun guys, they came up with plots once I told them there were barriers at the train station they were getting off at. Once I got home, I watched DragonBall Super, I’m loving it. Never encountered a tournament in a shounen series that I didn’t at least like.

I’ve been invited to an assessment for the apprenticeship that I applied for. I should be happy, I have an escape door now and can leave in a blaze of glory.

Nothing in my head

My meeting with my case worker did not go well, I had nothing to say despite constantly being pushed and being told that I looked more uncomfortable than usual. Ended up just talking about work and being passive aggressive, gonna do some “assertive communication” class. She’s a nice person who is giving me much more credit and sympathy than I deserve, I wish I had more thoughts within my head to share with her. At the end I did tell her how I cried during my meeting with the call centre head and she shared a story in response.

My diet was going will until 8pm, 1000 calories, a couple of bagels with cream cheese and cereal. I broke after this point and ate some chicken mayo, a bit of ice cream and a cream egg. Tomorrow will be different though, I’ll have work and start the day with porridge.

Finished the second arc of DragonBall Super.

Epilated my torso, still as painful as ever but not much ground to cover.

I tried playing MGS: V, the intro is essentially a interactive cutscene, I quit after an hour. Got some rare Pokemon on Pokemon GO and I’m finding my feet in the new Hearthstone meta.

I tidied my room a little.

Regressed to the point I see being able to play vidya as an achievement

I played Hearthstone: Stick of Truth for 6 hours, finished it. I enjoyed myself somewhat, not a notable amount by any means but it did distract me from my general state of suffering. Later on I played Hearthstone and watching SNL. I’m not sure where the other hours went, all I recall is that I spent a lot of time agonising over food since today was the first time in months that I successfully restricted my calorie intake, I’d say 1500 calories.

Perhaps a total of 5 minutes was spent outside of my bedroom. This would have been entirely comfy if not for over 100 people gathering in the park near my house for the Islamic funeral of some guy. There was loud prayer/non English speak over a speaker-phone. I tried calling the non-emergency police number but I gave up after being on hold for 3 minutes. I fantasised about going down their with my own speaker and shouting anti-Islamic statements.