No more social anxiety crutch

Back to work today, I played an hour of Final Fantasy before setting off. I felt prepared but that positivity ended quickly when I tripped on the road a minute from my house, hurting my knee and hand. The pain in my knee continues even now. It happened because I ran across the road like a child in order to beat a car, worse than the injuries is that my jeans became filthy due to the rain and puddles.

At work I first declared “did someone nick my chair?!” due to seeing a black cloth object on my chair. I think I was abrupt and rude, especially since I didn’t follow up after being told it was just a blanket. It was a scenario I had imagined weeks ago. Should have said “seat” instead of “chair”.

In the break room prior to my shift starting, I had a nice conversation with the tall guy, he had just attended an interview, I encouraged his positivity and we chatted a little about my town since that’s where he’ll be working. I didn’t express any anti-paki views.

The day dragged on. The reason I tripped earlier is probably because I wasn’t used to walking after my time off.

During lunch I bought a power strip and a couple of pairs of jeans, plus a Toblerone. I just need more clothes I’m comfortable wearing, both the jeans were slim fit.

The woman sitting next to me doesn’t talk to me much anymore, her friend has been moved to sit near us now and she’s become more family with the female sitting opposite us. It’s the natural order but it stings.

The day was saved at the end by the guy sitting opposite me engaging me in a 40 minute conversation about vidya. Not a high power level but easy to talk to. My voice was off, not sure what was wrong, maybe not used to talking.

Raining on the way home. Everyone in the living room but no one talking. Played some Final Fantasy before bed.

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I’ll have the same again since there’s nothing else on the menu

Final Fantasy and Hearthstone again. Lots of progress, only around 6 hunts left, the final bit of the story and I got one of the tougher trophies (all concurances). It’s apparent though that I’ll need to do some grinding for the post game though, should be a breeze when I have all the time in the world from tomorrow, as I’ll be able to play vidya in my bedroom.

No suicidal thoughts today as I kept myself sufficiently distracted. Over 12 hours sleep and today I only managed to stay awake for around 11 hours. The lack of work may be contributing to my increasing fatigue. Mildly anxious about returning to work tomorrow, new manager, I’m feel my high productivity over the last 4 months is going to be completely overlooked and she’ll favour those she’s more familiar with.

I ate poorly, there does not appear to be an change in habits in sight.

Got some more holidays next month, I’ll have my laptop back by then too so that should be a more productive period.

Life is suffering

Just played Final Fantasy and Hearthstone again. No arguments without the family since they weren’t around much. I’ve purchased a PS4 for myself and will be setting up a nest in my bedroom.

Throughout today I felt severe suicidal thoughts due to my gender dysphoria and there were also lengthy period of light headedness.

I don’t want to give up, I want to believe it’s still possible but it’s gone on a while now with very few breakthroughs, I still disgust myself most of the time.

I am scum

My sister and I argued again. I woke up around 11pm and played Final Fantasy for 3 hours. My sisters returned and put Jeremy Kyle on though it didn’t appear they were watching it even when I challenged them, I wanted to play some more FF but they wouldn’t have it so I said some cruel things such as suggesting she commit suicide, it didn’t appear to faze her and she hit right back with suicide requests and we both made claims that our mother didn’t love the other. I felt awful, I hate that I said these things, she’ll probably never forget.

Haven’t showered since Wednesday. I feel as vile as I’m sure I smell.

I had a realisation today, my sisters see me the same way I see my father. Disingenuous, filthy paki scum.

I cleaened up my room a little and plan on purchasing my own PS4 so I don’t need to leave my bedroom.

This can’t be it

I played Final Fantasy and ate poorly.

Apart from waking up at 11.30am, my day was even more unremarkable than every other.

My sister was cruel to me, she observed that my mother was only feigning interest when she spoke to me. In response my mother said far crueler things to my sister. I feel terrible because I know her words will scar.

More delays and more of the same

After waiting for 15 minutes at the probation office, I was told that my case worker wasn’t in. Also, their systems were down. I was asked from general details, made an appointment for next week and was off. The place is like 10 minutes from my house, it’s not even really an inconvenience making an appearance here, plus I get a bit of sweet attention, literally no downside.

Played plenty of Final Fantasy 12, focusing on hunting marks for a while before finishing off the story. I’ll do the last of the rank 5s tomorrow.

Finished all my Coke Zero. I’m not prepared to leave the house to get more. I’m going to enjoy the remainder of my time off from work.

I should probably clean my room or something during this period too.  Need to get in touch with the laser place too.

My headphones arrived. Not much use until I get my laptop back later in the month. Although now that I’m employed, I could buy a far superior machine. Considering purchasing a bookshelf for my bedroom and a television. Make this a nice little nest. It’s not what I want in life but I’m unmotivated right now and just want to be comfy.

Opening a savings account is productive, right?

I played several hours worth of Final Fantasy again but first I had to go to the GP in order to renew my prescription. The guy seems very relaxed, he’s nice but I don’t get the feeling he’s too concerned about me. Offered to increase the dose again, I declined.

I went through the town centre on my way back, it’s grim. It’s full of market tier operations but instead of stalls they have shop fronts. Half the businesses are just pakis selling clothes they bought wholesale. I popped in the British Heart Foundation place, the smell of furniture is pleasant and a chest/trunk caught my eye, it was pretty. £40.00 is excessive though.

Some time later I departed for my laser appointment but I forgot my rail pass and there wasn’t enough time to buy a train ticket so I had to call the whole trip off. Sent an email but it bounced. Fortunately it wasn’t an actual appointment but rather a review on how laser has worked so far, I’m therefore not out of pocket. The train conductor tried to trick me onto the train but I knew I’d get fined.

Out of mild boredom and since I was outside, I went to town again, this time to the library. I set up and savings account and a 2 year fixed rate ISA. I immediately regretted dumping £8,000 into the ISA since it limits my freedom. I also bought £200 worth of tranny pills and a £3.00 Batman comic book for my sister – she actually was pleased to receive this gift, I loved seeing her smile as she opened it up.

My mum asked if there T-shirt I was wearing was for women (it was). I asked why she’d think that. She replied because it looked “fitted” and brought attention to my chest. Glad to know my tits are noticeable but my mother didn’t think enough of them to carry on the conversation of quiz me further.

I mostly ate junk food today with a little bit of pasta.

My dad wants me to get married, he’s pushing it hard now. My sister agrees with him, it’s worrying. I need to get out or come out to kill this.