Smug

Roommate did not go out today so I was confined in my bedroom for a long time, became quite agitated, I eventually ventured out to make myself a microwaved cheese sandwich for MOTD.

I head out, stick a couple slices of bread into the microwave, hear my roommate come out of his room, like he usually does to make some chatter, but today I am in no mode for it, I don’t care how nice he is or pretending to be, I don’t care anymore, I don’t want his approval, he fucked me over, I hope I make him feel uncomfortable. Wearing the usual disgusting “relaxation” clothes I always wear, making my simple disgusted meal, unshaven face.

I ask him in an uninterested voice “Everything going alright with you?” or some shit like that, he says he is fine, asks me what I am upto, I say coursework, messup the followup, trip up a bit, not sure what I wanted to say, but I don’t try to salvage it or carry on the conversation. I just wait for the microwave to ping, grab my shit and leave.

I t was very empowering, I think I might even grab a bite to eat next time his friends come over, make THEM feel uncomfortable and him embarrassed.

Day Off

First thing I did today after masturbating and showering was open up a database but throughout the day I did very little searching, reading or writing, my coursework is 350 words short of completion, find it hard to focus on quality of the work when all I really want is to finish it and get it out of my head. I barely work on it but I can’t enjoy the distractions either since it is always preying on my mind.

Walls are very thin here, can hear each other cough and blow our noses, happens very often. I find it awkward, try to stifle my coughing..

One of the reasons for the sound issues is that for a while now I have not been able to completely shut my bedroom door, I don’t know what happened, inspected it and it seems the lower half of the doorway has gotten narrower so the door cannot fit. It seems insane something like this could happen but it has, the only theory I have is that the doorway was always this narrow but the door was less wide and while I was out one day, my roommate switched our doors, I used to notice his door was slightly ajar when I passed it on leaving the building. I feel very uncomfortable not being able to fully shut the door.

Did not shave today. Did not dispose of my pissjug. Lost my phone USB cable. Checked her blog, she changed her banner, I have my suspicions.

Tomorrow is football day, a game, 3 hours of highlights, an hour or so of radio call ins and threads all day. Should be a good day or at least one where I enjoyable plans.

My pissjug runneth over

Roommate brought his friend around and I remembered why I hated him again. Had to use my pissjug, it is not full to the rim, will try dumping tomorrow if I am alone. Very thirst, have not had a drink for 8 hours.

Had some tutorial classes today, skipped them, I am quite tired and I will check the answers for one of them, little worried about the other one though as it was discussion based. Spent some time today working on my coursework, got 700 or 1500 words, it is of poor quality though, my courseworks always are, due to my inability to think critically, 4 years and I have still not learned to write an effective essay. Due date is a little over 2 weeks from now. Little anxious as when it comes to references as I am not sure what exactly I am looking for, will settle for journals that repeat the benefits and limitations I am already aware of.

Beard has grown too much, uncomfortable, would like to shave soon but I find it such a pain.

Tomorrow

Had an early start so I was too tired to do any real work after the class I had. Hope to get some of my coursework done tomorrow.

Passed my female roommate in the hallway when I returned, I said “hi” first and waved, she said “hi” or “hello” back and look disinterested. Male roommate returned. Did not leave my room once I heard his voice. Completely given up with that, I have enough on my plate. Heard them talking in the kitchen later in the day, as usual she was a lot more excitable around him. I have not given this bitch a single reason to hate me, I am not attracted to her at all but I feel like fucking around with her clothes in her room while she is out just to spite her. I don’t hate my male roommate as much as I used to, his absence did our relationship some good.

While at uni I sat in the second to back row, a friend of the Polish guy who speaks to me sometimes tried to engage me, he introduced us to each other once but we did not hit it off, he was the guy I nodded to last week. He and his female friend asked me a question, I replied, got a generous laugh although I answered matter-of-factly, then I turn around, waiting for the lecture to start. The chatter and laughter between these two was a lot snappier and far less annoying than what I heard between the beta orbiter and his girls yesterday. The guy is foreign but he has a good voice, confidence, dresses well, styles his well, generally decent looking and the girl in not attractive thought in good shape, I am aware she has a boyfriend. The guy called me by name, I liked that a lot, not just because I can’t remember the last time I heard it but because it makes me feel like I have an identity, people see me for me, not just a live but awkward body.

I do not understand why these decent people keep bothering with me, it might have been because I accidentally sat near them and gave the impression I wanted to chat but more likely it is pity, one other theory that I play with is that I don’t understand just how good looking and charismatic I really am.

“Do you know anything?”

There was a change in timetabling and the group tutorials were moved to an earlier timeslot, right after a lecture, I had one less reason to attend that class now, so I forced myself there today, I convinced myself that there probably would not be any real group work, like some other classes it was going to just be the tutor standing in front of the class and going through the question while no one answered his pleas for contribution from the rest of the class.

I am last to the class, just in case there is group work I situate myself near a small, slightly isolated, group of individuals. Class begins and unfortunately we are asked to get into groups, I prod the vile beta orbiter with my pen and ask I can sneak into his group, he is the only other male in the class, it was the default option. He did not look very enthusiastic, don’t remember what he said either but he couldn’t refuse.

I was astonished to see that he successfully recruited the Polish girl into our group, although given her seating choice it seems as is if she had always intended to join his group, it is insane, I know she is on fine terms with the other girls in the class, she sits and talks with them often enough. Regardless of why she made the choice, she was in and she was looking good, was able to look at her face longer and closer up today and I was wrong before when I accused her of having bad skin. The other two members of the group were white Muslim girls, I do not find either attractive, one is overweight, she is being orbited most heavily by the aforementioned beta.

Group work began and the two Muslim girls and the orbiter were very excitable, they were making  a lot bad little jokes and laughing hysterically, working very slowly I found it annoying and made it known to some extent by looking away and enforcing a displeased look onto my face. I am curious as to how the Polish girl felt regarding all this, she did not say much to contribute to the laughter but I did hear her giggle a few times, nowhere near as often as the beta and the planet though. I worry my disinterest gave her a negative opinion of myself.

She had not done enough of the reading or prepared an answer, most of the group it seems had not done as much as I, the majority of the rest of the class is made up of slags so I doubt the reason for joining this group was because of a better chance of learning something.

The work was discussion based, the Polish girl at one point, looked to me and asked “Do you know anything?”, if sounds aggressive but English is not her first language, she must have been trying to encourage me to talk, this was at the start of the tutorial though. After that I did pipe up a few times, it was difficult to get the timing right, mostly I had to be prompted. I think at one time I must have just had my mouth wide open because the slim Muslim girl asked me if I wanted to say something, I believe she did most of the prodding. I also found it difficult to find my words and so the others would finish my sentences. I tried to impress the Polish girl with my knowledge but it was not really there, I think I somehow contributed half of the meaningful statement we got down on paper. She is probably aware that I am not very intelligent.

I was asked to clarify something by the slim Muslim girl, I said I was doubting myself know that she was pressing me, she told me not to. I think she was hot for me. I had shaved my neckbeard today, that might be why.

Class was over, I left to the bathroom, leaving I saw the four of them in a group, chatting away, the orbiter and the Polish girl got on the bus together, he made her laugh, sitting to far away to know what was being said, it enrages me knowing someone with his disadvantages can get what I want but a superior being, physically speaking, such as myself cannot.

A few other things I learned.

  • Polish girl has a palates and/or Yoga class today and around 9pm, a girl in excellent shape like herself doing fancy, vaguely sexual stuff does not surprise me
  • Polish girl knows the slim Muslim girls brother somehow, the girls are all local, I wonder if they know each other after hours?

It was uncomfortable working in the group, I avoided eye contact but I am looking forward to the next class since a bit of pain is worth getting to spend time with her.

Also noted another girl I like was wearing tights again, along with a short skirt, unfortunately did not get a good look at her.

Over the last few days I had been fantasising that the Polish girl would approach me outside of a lecture and ask why I had not been attending the group tutorials, she would guess that I had no friends and then she would offer to let me join her group, things did not work out that way but in the long term the results may be similar.

Calm

Today was a pretty chill day, late start at uni, only one class.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror without my glasses and think I am a pretty good looking guy but then I look at my pic on my university profile and it is terrible, I really hope I do not look that unappealing, I also took a look at the pics of a few girls I like, they look great, I don’t understand why there is such a difference.

I encountered a bitch on the bus, she was Chinese and sitting down with her handbag on the seat next to her, the bus was crowded so I ask her if I could sit there, even adding a please onto the end of my sentence, the bitch looks at me and say some shit in her native language, I move along and stand up at the back of the bus, some other girl later successfully got her to move her bag, I stand up for the entire bus ride.

I really wish I was brave enough to have moved the bag myself, the only joy was it was seeing that what I assume was her bf, was even shorter than her, fat, acne ridden and wore glasses. Looked like an anime stereotype of an otaku. Girl was cute as a button though, assuming she had a lot of surgery, makeup and bleach.

Need to shave and remember to wear deodorant.

Did not get that Mountain Dew for the weekend because it was sugar free, I do not consume much sugar if any at all but for the sake of checking out this drink, I need to get it in its purest form. Saw the Polish girl in my class drink out of a lime green bottle, it might be Mountain Dew, not sure where she got it though, could be the cafeteria, although I have never used any of them, I feel very uncomfortable not knowing what I want and what I am going to say ahead of time.

Tried to eat something else today but it was disgusting, threw it away half way through, sticking to what I know and like from now on. Watched some WWE, do not really like it as much as a I did a few years ago, just skim through to keep up. Read a few comics, again, just really keeping up.

Don’t use reddit, only did so to ask a few questions to some different people, deleted that account today since there was no need for it to continue to exist.

Continuing my new trend of masturbating twice before getting out of bed.

Forgettable

Forget to post an entry yesterday, probably because the day was eventful even by my low standards. I masturbated twice before getting out of bed, did some tutorial work, struggled to understand what I was doing, I kept reading and reading the stuff repeatedly but it wouldn’t penetrate by thick skull. I used the examples to help me through the workload.

My female roommate did not leave the building today, even though she gives me all the space I want, I am still cautious around her and hesitant to use the kitchen or the bathroom to often. She cleaned the oven, took the items out of it and dumped them in the sink, not sure if that was a message to me, I do not use the oven so I feel I am justified in not helping out there.