My tutorial class has 13 girls, decent looking, I would rape half of them given the chance, and 1 guy other than myself, that beta orbiter I mentioned earlier. I think all the guys immigrated to different groups, rules are somewhat loose. I just kept to myself, set apart from everyone else and looked over my answers, got some stuff wring, other stuff was a bit confusing but I have got the hang of it all now.
Went home, I’m not really into music, tried listening to a few songs that I do like, I am fan a of Eurovision, I genuinely like the music, I think its all fun and upbeat, I was listening to my favourite song from last years competition, Poland’s entry, soon I remembered why I stopped listening to it, it reminds me of my former roommate, makes me feel all depressed with that sinking feeling in my stomach, I think of the missed opportunities, what I should have done differently and that its all behind me, I will never get a redo. It feels as if that was the peak of my existence, I was on work placement and living with a pretty girl, its all downhill from here, I will never have a job again and I will never be that close to a pretty girl again.
I feel sorry for myself even though I keep reminding myself “I am the bad guy”, I have seen television shows and films, I am that creepy obsessive guy the heroine has to get a restraining order against, it’s wonderful being able to look at myself, how pathetic, detached from reality and dangerous I am and seem, it helps me to understand why I am wrong to feel the way I do but it doesn’t help to make those feelings go away. A while ago I thought of hiring a skywriter but then I realised that was exactly what a stalker would do. For a few minutes I wonder if if she knew how I felt, if she could read everything I have every typed about her, would she understand my feelings? Then I step back and realise how delusional I am and fluctuate between being upset and angry.
I wonder if my feelings are the same as those of teenagers who lose their first love? They might be, but I am still a stupid sack of shit but at least I might stop feeling this way one day.