Saw her again today, second time this week, it might mean something, I should take some form of action, just not sure what exactly. The building I was walking through was relatively empty, she was coming out of the Student Union “office”, when I spotted her, she had turned her had back with a wide smile and was either bidding farewell to or finishing off a conversation with another individual in the room she was in the process of leaving.
Just like our last encounter I cannot be sure if she either did not see me at all, did not recognise me or had spotted me first and decided to take evasive action. I am fearful of the thought that she has forgotten me entirely as I would never forget her. I waited a while before turning back, did not see her do the same, maybe she beat me to it? or maybe she didn’t care, maybe she has moved on. I was disappointed to see her smiling, as much as I would like to wish her happiness and every success in life, it depresses me to no end to see others so satisfied with their lots in life, I am not so delusional to call it unfair, I can see that I am simply envious but there is nothing I can do to elevate myself to their level, the only option available to me is to bring them down to mine.
I think her birthday was in January, it is gutting to know that she must have enjoyed herself without me, I had a similar feeling when she I saw picture of her over the summer break with her boyfriend and a few others who I have no idea how she met at a festival Germany. I can’t even see pictures of this event, though I am doubtful they even exist considering the extremely quiet trend between August and December.
I do check the reception areas and peak into the glass walls of the Student Union office every day, just to see if she is around, I don’t know why I want to see her or what I gain, it’s just a little ritual. One of the guys looked back at me in suspicious manner once, I am entertaining the possibility he holds a grudge against me and altered my exam grades in the system. Her look today was still generally the same as always, first time I have seen her with her backpack though, it looks similar to my own, at a glance anyway. I know I am supposed to “get over her!” but what am I supposed to think when I see her in the flesh?
Also had some regular tutorial classes today, there are a total of two girls who I am especially infatuated with, the Polish girl was looking good as always, wearing a tight turquoise hoodie and a keffiyeh, there were a few times we exchanged looks, I could see she had a bit of tan but her skin is not as good as I had originally though, seeing upfront for perhaps a second longer than usual allowed me to note some flaws however they were completely outweighed by this cute mousey look she had when she stopped eating shortbread biscuits for a split second to receive the register from me. A concern however arose when the first time I had looked at her that day, it was similar to a look she had one week ago when I had come into her line of sight, she seemed somewhat repulsed, I suspect she may be aware that I posted some of her facebook pics on /r9k/. I was pleased to see her get a question wrong in class, appears as if I may be beyond if not on the same level as her mentally, not so say she still is not completely out of my grasp but this dispels the goddess illusion to some extent.
Class got smaller, I am the only male now, I am certain many have left for other groups either for convenience or friendship, I think this may have been expected of me also, there were some funny looks I was receiving from the tutor in one class, she made eye contact with me too often, I would look away instantly, she should have gotten the message, instead she chose to pressure me, she is female and I am sure she would prefer to have an all female class, I likely make her and all the other girls in the class uncomfortable.
Another girl I like in the class sat next to me today but I know it was because it was the social norm, I saw her hesitating before joining my empty row, she had to fill up the front row of seats first. Got a look at her feet in another class, they were terrible, I think that might have been a complete turn off for me, still though I wish I had worn deodorant.
Had to pass the Student Union office again, took another look, thought I saw her again and I stared, she stared right back, she was eating lunch, not sure if it was her but if it was I am worried, I can see that this looks like very stalker-ish behaviour when in reality it is just a coincidence. On one hand I do not want her to be worried or afraid on the other, I am glad she remembers me.