Please leve me alone

The start of the day had a peak and a trough, when coming out of the shower I saw my male roommate in the hallway, I had a towel around my waist, the hallway was dimly lit and said “hey” to make it appear I was not embarrassed. Was quite distressing experience, being skinnyfat and never having exercised a day after high school I am very ashamed of my body. When coming out of the bathroom, I also heard him about to leave his room so I staggered me leave but I did not count on him also staggering his leave after hearing me unlock the door, made it even more embarrassing and generally pathetic. He is probably ashamed of his body too considering he is a little chubby and has his own shower but he does go to the gym and this is not about him, it is about me.

Roommate both left early, gave me sometime to myself, I disposed of my pissjug but I do have another empty milk bottle in my room, just in case.

Checked my timetable, turns out I had woken up an hour too early. Need to get my shit sorted.

Noticed a qt on my way to the university, she had some fancy hosiery, could not help staring, had a nose ring piercing too, did not like that, she was too pretty to be messing around with stuff like that. When I got to the campus, the Polish guy spotted me and called out me name, I ignored him the first time but he repeated himself and I turned around, he was with his other 2 friends who I had sort of been introduced to throughout the years, I have mentioned them in a previous entry, the girl is not too pretty but slim, has a bf, spoke to her at the one party I have been to in my life, the guy is fairly good looking, shorter than me, /fa/, Eastern European, very chatty and friendly, only introduced to him this year, he has initiated conversation with me quite a few times. He is a good guy, I like him but just like almost everyone else in this world, he is too good for the likes of me.

The Eastern European is the first to try to talk to me, makes a joke about rushing to class because they thought they were late, I did not know how to respond so I did not, he liked that joke though, so he repeated it a few times. When I talk to this guy or maybe when I talk to people in general, my voice is very incoherent, I rush, mumble, stutter, everything, he is not shy abut addressing that either, he asks me to repeat myself or for someone else to chime in, today was a lucky day though, he asked me about a class that I had opinions on, it was the class with the group work, so I also had some “gossip” to throw about, there was talk about complaining about the tutors style of teaching. The conversation went well, or what I imagine average is for normies. Not natural though, I was not stimulated by it but easily the best, non drunk conversation I have had with a non-family member in years.

After about a minute the Pole and the girl took a turn to the cafeteria, I was about to follow them out of instinct but the Eastern European told me “we are going this way [to the lecture]” and “those guy are crazy [because we were already running late]”. When we sat down the conversation dried up, he seemed to give up but I felt the need to force it, I asked how he was finding the semester, a general question about university, I felt that was appropriate. Got a few more exchanges in, the problem was sustaining the conversations, they died to quickly. Once again, I like this guy, not sure why he is bothering with me, he also smiles a lot, I love that in people, not sure what qualities it expresses exactly but it creates the impression of a person I want to be around, it’s the type of person I want to be.

Lecture was great, usually hate narrative stuff but this was very logical, need good grades all around to salvage my degree. When leaving the lecture hall, I went to the bathroom, the Eastern European and the girl were standing outside, saw the Polish guy in there, he was using a urinal, back turned, slid past to a cubical, hope he did not notice my presence, this is actually a very common scenario, we both use the bathroom after lectures on a regular basis, maybe we could be kindred spirits. I do wonder if they spoke about me after that but I really did just want to go home in peace at this point.

Left the bathroom, leaving the building, as usual notice groups of friends huddled in circles, two groups today, one unnaturally large group made up of girls, must have been at least ten of them. The other group was the Polish girl, two Muslim girls and the beta orbiter, the Polish girl was laughing, I heard the words “him” and “bus”, possibly recounting the time she was on the bus with the beta orbiter and he made her laugh. Disgusting as usual, these three seem to be her main friends, odd, are Polish people drawn to losers because they see themselves as low ranking members of British society? Might have an ‘in’ with her afterall. Have that group discussion tutorial again tomorrow, nervous about interacting with her again, might skip it, but if I do attend I will insist I take the notes, taking charge will impress her and will reduce the beta orbiters tedious brand of humour.

I keep mumbling the word “stupid” to myself, have been doing this for quite some time now, usually do it when I remember something embarrassing but it is not limited to just that.

Need to shave my beard, will at least sort out the neck area for tomorrow.

Could also do with washing my bedsheets.

Hate that Chelsea have won silverware and that City might not win anything this season, I still hold out hope that they can topple Barca. City’s failure would prove that what you put in is disproportionate to your rewards so there is not point in even trying.

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3 thoughts on “Please leve me alone

    • Agreed. It’s ridiculous how much he goes on about him.

      I can’t understand why he’s trying to force being in a relationship with the Polish girl either.

      I tried forcing a relationship with a girl while I was in sixth form and it made me feel terrible once I realised she didn’t want to get into a relationship.

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    • He hovers around the girls who I am interested in, so he crosses me often, I am going to have opinions on him. I also hate how he has what I should have, it is not fair and it confuses me how someone like him can be so confident. I sit close to him sometimes and hear what he says, his jokes, they are terrible, he as a terrible nasally voice too, how the hell does he win people over with that shit? He should be bottom of the heap, not me. I also resent him for not trying to befriend me, he has confidence and pushes himself on these girls but he won’t take a moment and offer his friendship to someone who needs it, someone like me, it is as if he is looking down on me, like I am inferior to him.

      But after today I think I am done, I will be avoiding them, Polish girl never spoke to me, seeing them so close has made her somewhat repulsive to me, I would like to understand why they behave the way they do but nothing will excuse her behaviour, fuck her.

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