Had a lecture and a tutorial today, the group work tutorial The lecture went fine, I do not learn much in the lectures, get more out of practising and looking over examples.
Had a one hour break between the lecture and my tutorial, went to the library to do the work for the class. It was going slow but fine, getting some notes down, all the questions relating to this class are narrative. My Polish acquaintance made an appearance midway thorough my workload, he was using the library to complete an online test for a job application. I did feel taken aback to see him and I think he felt the same, he chose to sit next to me, we chatted a little but only a little since he had to do his test, went okay, could have gone better, he brought up House of Cards, a chance to get into some none university discussion, no response came to mind so I let it go, missed opportunity. He mentioned that he has not been going to the tutorial class that I am about to attend because he does not believe the tutor adds much to the topic, gives me some rationale if decide to skip it in future. He pressed me a little on not applying for more grad schemes, hate that, he has applied to several, his grades might not be great but he has everything else required to succeed in the world. Caught a look at his biceps, looking good, made me feel inferior, I don’t wear t-shirts even though it is quite warm now, too sensitive about my skinny arms. He did say “shouldn’t you be leaving now?”, could be concern but it felt like he was telling me to get lost, I don’t really care, ultimately we are nothing to each other and I don’t think there is any potential for growth in our relationship. As I was leaving I mentioned that I would be attending the lecture tomorrow (he will not) and that I would be coming back to the library to complete my coursework, he said that he should still be here. Guess he misunderstood me, I did not correct him.
I thought it went well, I still do not like being around him but at least I can talk to him, even if I cannot express myself fully or even speak at full volume, feel better around him than I so most other people.
Now onto todays “big event”. In not very well detailed greentext form as I was quite tense throughout the scenario, felt close to fainting at one point, difficult to remember exactly what I felt.
>class involves self forming groups of 5 and discussing a case study
>I skip the first 2 classes because no friends
>Force myself to the third one
>Drift into a group made up of a qt who I really like, her orbiter and 2 Muslim girls
>From my observations inside and outside the class they all seem like good friends who enjoy each others company
>I do not contribute much, only when called upon, they are all pissing about so it is not like I am much more useless, do feel uncomfortable but power through because I get to observe the qt, she even spoke to me once
>Go again to the next class because of qt
>Hydrate, give myself a pep talk in the bathroom mirror of the library before the class, shave in the morning for this etc.
>Get to the class
>I am the last to arrive, just like I wanted, so I can sit next to to the group, in case they forget about me and accidently avoid me
>Everyone turns to look at me, I wave out of instinct, I do this a lot, don’t even feel silly half the time
>Small turn out, one group down, only 9 people turned up including myself
>I sit next to the group, about 4 seats out since one of the girls decided to place her coat and junk to the desk area, to her credit though she does move it
>Get to the task, same as last time, discussion, mind map, they are focusing much more with the task this week
>qt and the disgusting little beta orbiter still manage to have a “staring contest”, she loses and even pushes for a rematch, she asks him to take off his glasses, she had no problem with or event wanted to look him in the eyes and his confidence gets me too, he should not be this confident, he has no right to be, bad teeth, bad haricut, bad facial hair, wears t-shirts, though if I am honest I think he does lift a little, not very toned though. It was a devastating scene that ripped though all the beliefs I hold. I want to understand how any kind of relationship could exist between those two.
>Muslim girl asks me for a contribution, I say something, I think it might have been wrong but she defends me anyway
>Heart beating like a jackhammer, too scared to speak up again
>They continue with their discussions regarding the work, I have opinions but not feeling strong enough to defend them, some other topics are things I do know quite well but I do not feel capable of jumping in so I just wait for them to reach the conclusions themselves
>Muslim girl asks for me to contribute again, easier just to say “I don’t know” than to contribute, she called me by name though, it is nice to know that I am not completely anonymous, understatement, it felt wonderful to know that someone knew my name
>after that I don’t even say anything, I just look away from the rest of the group, there had been some awkward eye contact, I think, mainly stuck to looking at the Polish girl and her boots, think I was too obvious, think the other girl might have given me some dodgy stares, realising what I was
>Thought she was looking at me while my head was turned but it was more likely she was just checking her notes
>Get even more anxious, heart beating strong
>Forgot to bring my phone cannot keep track of the time
>Not sure why I did what I did next, I can think of several reasons but I don’t really know which one is correct
>I don’t want to stay for this shit, to be mocked right in front of my face
>or to hang around for another 50 mintutes listening to conversations I had with myself an hour ago when I was preparing for the class
>No reason sticking around since the tutor does not give a model answer at the end
>or feel silly sitting there not contributing, or perhaps the feeling was guilt, maybe all of these played a part
>Regardless, I did not want to be here
>I turn around, grab my bag, dump my notebook (with the notes I was unable to vocalise) and pen into it
>leave without once looking back
>think I might have heard them asking “where is he going?”
>Looks like I finally made an impression
Went straight home. Sent an email to the tutor, said nothing more than, “sorry, it was rude of me to leave like that”.
Hard to concentrate and complete tutorial work at home, takes me an entire day to do tasks that should maybe take 3 hours at most. I have started to just not do stuff, skip tutorials and just check the answers once posted like last Thursday. Might do it again today to avoid seeing the group members.
Although I have a little fantasy, the Polish girl will approach me in a class, maybe sit next to me and ask why I left, I hesitate, try to make eye contact but fail, she reassures me, giggle and tells me she knows why I left, that its okay and asks if I would like to study with her after class.
Feeling very stressed as of late, masturbating has felt much better than it has in a long time, still a little more difficult to get to there though.
There were also some brief thought about my arrangements last year and how I will never have it so good again, always upsetting, try to avoid it.
Roommate brought his female friend over again, annoyed that he is taking advantage of the even split of the electricity bill, too preoccupied with todays events to care about the noise. Did not have food in so had no use for the kitchen even if I was able to access it.