I Give Up

Had a lecture and a tutorial today, the group work tutorial The lecture went fine, I do not learn much in the lectures, get more out of practising and looking over examples.

Had a one hour break between the lecture and my tutorial, went to the library to do the work for the class. It was going slow but fine, getting some notes down, all the questions relating to this class are narrative. My Polish acquaintance made an appearance midway thorough my workload, he was using the library to complete an online test for a job application. I did feel taken aback to see him and I think he felt the same, he chose to sit next to me, we chatted a little but only a little since he had to do his test, went okay, could have gone better, he brought up House of Cards, a chance to get into some none university discussion, no response came to mind so I let it go, missed opportunity. He mentioned that he has not been going to the tutorial class that I am about to attend because he does not believe the tutor adds much to the topic, gives me some rationale if decide to skip it in future. He pressed me a little on not applying for more grad schemes, hate that, he has applied to several, his grades might not be great but he has everything else required to succeed in the world. Caught a look at his biceps, looking good, made me feel inferior, I don’t wear t-shirts even though it is quite warm now, too sensitive about my skinny arms. He did say “shouldn’t you be leaving now?”, could be concern but it felt like he was telling me to get lost, I don’t really care, ultimately we are nothing to each other and I don’t think there is any potential for growth in our relationship. As I was leaving I mentioned that I would be attending the lecture tomorrow (he will not) and that I would be coming back to the library to complete my coursework, he said that he should still be here. Guess he misunderstood me, I did not correct him.

I thought it went well, I still do not like being around him but at least I can talk to him, even if I cannot express myself fully or even speak at full volume, feel better around him than I so most other people.

Now onto todays “big event”. In not very well detailed greentext form as I was quite tense throughout the scenario, felt close to fainting at one point, difficult to remember exactly what I felt.

>class involves self forming groups of 5 and discussing a case study
>I skip the first 2 classes because no friends
>Force myself to the third one
>Drift into a group made up of a qt who I really like, her orbiter and 2 Muslim girls
>From my observations inside and outside the class they all seem like good friends who enjoy each others company
>I do not contribute much, only when called upon, they are all pissing about so it is not like I am much more useless, do feel uncomfortable but power through because I get to observe the qt, she even spoke to me once

Today
>Go again to the next class because of qt
>Hydrate, give myself a pep talk in the bathroom mirror of the library before the class, shave in the morning for this etc.
>Get to the class
>I am the last to arrive, just like I wanted, so I can sit next to to the group, in case they forget about me and accidently avoid me
>Everyone turns to look at me, I wave out of instinct, I do this a lot, don’t even feel silly half the time
>Small turn out, one group down, only 9 people turned up including myself
>I sit next to the group, about 4 seats out since one of the girls decided to place her coat and junk to the desk area, to her credit though she does move it
>Get to the task, same as last time, discussion, mind map, they are focusing much more with the task this week
>qt and the disgusting little beta orbiter still manage to have a “staring contest”, she loses and even pushes for a rematch, she asks him to take off his glasses, she had no problem with or event wanted to look him in the eyes and his confidence gets me too, he should not be this confident, he has no right to be, bad teeth, bad haricut, bad facial hair, wears t-shirts, though if I am honest I think he does lift a little, not very toned though. It was a devastating scene that ripped though all the beliefs I hold. I want to understand how any kind of relationship could exist between those two.
>Muslim girl asks me for a contribution, I say something, I think it might have been wrong but she defends me anyway
>Heart beating like a jackhammer, too scared to speak up again
>They continue with their discussions regarding the work, I have opinions but not feeling strong enough to defend them, some other topics are things I do know quite well but I do not feel capable of jumping in so I just wait for them to reach the conclusions themselves
>Muslim girl asks for me to contribute again, easier just to say “I don’t know” than to contribute, she called me by name though, it is nice to know that I am not completely anonymous, understatement, it felt wonderful to know that someone knew my name
>after that I don’t even say anything, I just look away from the rest of the group, there had been some awkward eye contact, I think, mainly stuck to looking at the Polish girl and her boots, think I was too obvious, think the other girl might have given me some dodgy stares, realising what I was
>Thought she was looking at me while my head was turned but it was more likely she was just checking her notes
>Get even more anxious, heart beating strong
>Forgot to bring my phone cannot keep track of the time
>Not sure why I did what I did next, I can think of several reasons but I don’t really know which one is correct
>I don’t want to stay for this shit, to be mocked right in front of my face
>or to hang around for another 50 mintutes listening to conversations I had with myself an hour ago when I was preparing for the class
>No reason sticking around since the tutor does not give a model answer at the end
>or feel silly sitting there not contributing, or perhaps the feeling was guilt, maybe all of these played a part
>Regardless, I did not want to be here
>I turn around, grab my bag, dump my notebook (with the notes I was unable to vocalise) and pen into it
>leave without once looking back
>think I might have heard them asking “where is he going?”
>Looks like I finally made an impression

Went straight home. Sent an email to the tutor, said nothing more than, “sorry, it was rude of me to leave like that”.

Hard to concentrate and complete tutorial work at home, takes me an entire day to do tasks that should maybe take 3 hours at most. I have started to just not do stuff, skip tutorials and just check the answers once posted like last Thursday. Might do it again today to avoid seeing the group members.

Although I have a little fantasy, the Polish girl will approach me in a class, maybe sit next to me and ask why I left, I hesitate, try to make eye contact but fail, she reassures me, giggle and tells me she knows why I left, that its okay and asks if I would like to study with her after class.

Feeling very stressed as of late, masturbating has felt much better than it has in a long time, still a little more difficult to get to there though.

There were also some brief thought about my arrangements last year and how I will never have it so good again, always upsetting, try to avoid it.

Roommate brought his female friend over again, annoyed that he is taking advantage of the even split of the electricity bill, too preoccupied with todays events to care about the noise. Did not have food in so had no use for the kitchen even if I was able to access it.

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6 thoughts on “I Give Up

  1. Here is a reply I got, I feel like there might be some truth in there or even if there isn’t, I like being able to see the explore other possibilities.

    >loooks loike i finully maed an emprission!!!!!

    What’s actually happening.

    >girl and her three friends make a group in the first class
    >third class some autistic social fucktard shows up
    >teacher dumps the guy in the last remaining group of 4
    >autistic fucktard crushes hard on girl in the group
    >autistic fucktard is unable to provide anything useful to the group
    >group is nice enough to try and make autistic fucktard part of the group
    >autistic fucktard feels jealous when girl and her friend are doing typical friend things
    >autistic fucktard leaves
    >everyone in the group is wondering why he left
    >no one knows
    >everyone just guesses “oh maybe he was just an autistic social fucktard?”

    And their guess is actually right!

    Like

  2. That green text has some truth in it, imo. You obsess way too much over things you only have little to no influence on, especially relations between others.
    From all I’ve read here, the ‘orbiter’ seems to have his shit more together than you. He may be ugly, but hey the world IS unfair, and he deals with his lot the best he can.
    Also, you overanalyze behavior of others, to the point where you most likely see things that aren’t there.
    Also remember, for an interaction it needs two people. If you mumble, avoid eyecontact and generally seem uninterested, most people don’t know how to deal with this and get irritated/unsure. They most likely think YOU don’t want to do anything with them.

    As for the group, they’ll view you as weirdo now. You either go next time and come up with an excuse (sick or something about going through a difficult phase right now; latter may be problematic if they ask for details) or you just stop going to the tutorial; meeting any of them in the hall later on will be awkward though I imagine.

    I recall you saying you have autism, since I’m no expert I don’t know if it’s true, but I think you do have a big deficit in social skills at least.

    These are just my personal impressions, and it turned into a rambling pretty fast, so take it with a grain of salt

    Like

    • >I recall you saying you have autism, since I’m no expert I don’t know if it’s true, but I think you do have a big deficit in social skills at least.
      The thing I don’t get is why he’s never gone to a therapist to try and sort it all out. Cognitive behavioural therapy would seriously help him and he wouldn’t be judged in that environment.

      Like

      • It’s hard to do new things, I would like to check out nearby supermarkets and takeaways and I have not been to a clothing store in years, it’s unnerving not know exactly what to expect (menu, where things are stocked). I think that ties into why I try to avoid conversation, I do not know what I am going to be asked so can’t prepare in advance.

        Another example, my glasses have been busted for over a month now, I have not gone to the opticians because I do not know the process, do I go up to the counter and I say I want to buy a pair of glasses? Will they have me eye stats on record? If I buy an exam will they assume I want to buy new glasses?

        What is the CBT/therapist process? Will they ask me specific questions, will they make assumptions?

        Like

  3. Well, if you never take a step out of your comfort zone, you’ll never improve your social skills / feel always awkward.
    Going to a new shop/ supermarket would be a nice start actually, go to a new supermarket instead of your regular one. If you don’t find something you need just ask an employee where it is; they’re used to such questions. If all fails just buy something cheap if you feel to uncomfortable to leave with empty hands

    Like

  4. I like you, man.
    but that might have felt like a big moment to you but it was nothing to everyone else, if you didn’t care so much what they thought, that could have passed as normie behaviour. Remember they don’t know what was going through your head, treat it as nothing because that’s what it was.

    Like

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