First class, had a turn out of 12 including myself, I sat alone on the edge of a desk. Polish girl impressed with her answers, not sure if that was the exact point I was certain I hated her or if I had already settled on it earlier. Not fair that people can be good looking, social and smart. A girl spoke to me, told to pass the register along, she seemed a little shy, doubt it meant anything.
Next class, attendance dwindled to 10, including myself, still all female ignoring myself, this time all the girls sat on the same row of desks and I sat at the edge of a desk behind them. The tutor commented on this, made me feel uncomfortable, I tried bantering but I just looked down and mumbled. Think it might have been a hint for me to attend the tutorial classes of another group. Sitting behind the girls, I could see this one somewhat attractive girl playing with her shoes, they were flats, she had nice feet. Took some interest in the Polish girl, reminded how perfect her body is, she must be anorexic or something, no, bulimic, not easy to look that good, especially when you consider the crap I have seen her eating. Also seem to have done less preparation and reading for the class than other students, even the resident dumb bitch.
No one but the tutors spoke to me in either class.
Polish girl is a fucking slut and I do not care for her anymore, I hate those fedora types who think they are entitled to sex and a gf and that is not what I am saying, I also know she doesn’t owe me anything but if I don’t get anything from her, then she is not entitled to a positive opinion of herself from me either. She is not neutral towards me either, I know she is actively looking down on me, she thinks she is better, on paper she is, just like a king is to his subjects but that does not give him the right to look down on them, stupid fucking whore.
No fuck it, all of the girls in the class are bitches and most all of the guys too, none of them gave me a chance, non of them ever tried to befriend me, I honestly did give it a go in my first year, I tried talking to this guy, he was social and confident but he never ever reciprocated, he never spoke to me again after that one time I tried forcing a conversation with him, trying my best to carrying it with obvious desperation. They all see me alone, they have done for years but none of them fucking cared, I was miserable and they made sure I stayed that way, so I am completely justified in wishing misery unto each and every single one of them.
I have a new ritual, there are bathrooms in the library, up the stairwell, not many people pass through, they prefer to take the lifts, the bathrooms have loud air vents(?), I like to go in there and talk to myself in the mirror and shout a little, even at “home”, this is the only place I feel relaxed, free and able to express myself.
In the library now, checking out a girl wearing tights, that’s what gets me hard. I “liked” all these other girls but none of them ever gave me an erection, it was a mental thing, I wanted them to be my gf because my problems would go away, their social charisma would rub of onto me, I would not be lonely anymore, someone would acknowledge me, I would be happy etc., I never loved them or was even really sexually attracted to them.
EDIT – Had one more class in the day
Not sure why I even bother to attend, I just check my answers against the solutions (which are released online anyway) and when the tutor asks if I got on alright, I say “yes” but now I think they know I am lying so I tell them about my silly errors, I sweated a lot when this tutor started pressing me. Do not think I will be going to future tutorial classes, I hate everything about them.
Tutors and students mentioned something about a Xmas party, possibly involving all the students on the course, first I have heard of this. Cunts.
There was one good moment today though, the class was taken by our course leader, often encouraged us to share complaints so she could do something about them. Polish girl shared her disdain for the teaching methods employed in the class I walked out of, other voiced their support but she led the charge, made over 75% of the case. So I conclude that they do not think I am shy or socially inept but actually a badass who shared their views and was actively protesting. They are going to lodge an official complaint. Feels good, big relief, big boost to my self esteem knowing that they respect me, the fact that I did not say anything to them before leave probably made them feel like I consider them insects, I successfully showed them what I think of them, nothing, not worth talking to, not worth explaining my intentions, they think it is by choice that I acted the way that I did and I am okay with that because it does reflect some of my beliefs well.
Also figured out the Polish girls accent, it’s a mix of Polish and a very strong Scottish accent, seems obvious in hindsight. She mentioned in her rant that group work time during the class should be cut in half or altogether, that might be consideration for me. Feels good, I like her as a person again but she is not the Goddess I thought she was. Actually no, fuck her, bitch still did not talk to me.