Seeing adverts for Student Wellbeing Counselling around campus. don’t even need to call, there is an email address, not sure how to approach this but I can tell it’s an opportunity, not a good one though, I doubt these people can help me. This service has been pushing itself for sometime now, there were little boxes around campus late last year, “tell us your secret”, you were supposed to write about your struggles with mental illness and pop the note into the box, student population was down in the run up to xmas, so I felt brave enough and guilty enough to write down a confession, wait for a moment when no one was loitering and place my note into one of the boxes.

During the free period after my lecture, I worked on the questions for the workshop class in an hours time, it went fine. Get to the workshop, I take a peak inside and see my Polish friend, sitting on the back row. I consider not going in for a second since I don’t want the aggro but I am already here so I head in, walk straight down, pretend like I didn’t see him. He calls out to me, I look back, tells me to take one of the question sheets at the entrance, I head back and sit in the row and seat directly in front of him. I actually sat down first as I was unsure what he said and then noticed the question papers and picked them up sitting down. Questions were different to the ones I thought we were going to be tackling. Little bit of panic. Tutor tells us to attempt the question, and we will go over part of the solution if 5 minutes, usually in these situations I just run down the clock and check out the answer but I was feeling very self concious with the guy being behind me, I was sweating a lot, I made an attempt of the question, it was all rubbish, I just wanted to look like I was getting something down, I used to be considered smart when growing up, so it is not in my nature to ask for help, admit problems or show weakness. Being quiet/studious is the closest thing to an identity I have, I don’t want people to know I am boring and as think as shit to boot.

The Polish guy however is not like that, he is one of the few to often speak up in class, answer questions, ask questions even though he is not one of brightest. He does it again in this class, he asks the teacher for some help, I also realise he is sitting next to that Polish whore I used to like, they chat, she seems to be helping him with the work, later in the class they both get stuck, they converse in Polish. I have no problem with an Alpha like him talking to her as it makes sense, I can still be jealous of course, just not angry about the situation. I stall packing up my stuff so I don’t have to talk to him on the way out, I note he doesn’t walk out of the class with her, true alpha.

When I get home I have to change my t-shirt quickly as I really did sweat an awful lot. It was a terrible experience and it serves me right for not coming to class early enough.

The Lucozade was a poor deal for the price in hindsight, tried sipping some before lectures today, not a good test as the we had a new lecturer, she was not a talented speaker, I felt much of the class was lost, the few that bothered to turn up anyway, this was quite a relief. I would rather everyone fail with me than be mildly successful amongst giants.

Washed my bedding yesterday for the first time in several months, so comfy.


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