I had a dream, don’t remember it though but it was intense.

Roommate brought his female friend/gf over yesterday, was stuck in my room until 11pm, got very thirsty, realised that the reason I am seemingly afraid of going out is not full on social anxiety, I initially stay in my room, yes because it is uncomfortable for me and I assume/hope that they will leave soon, however after a couple of hours the reason I don’t want to come out is not fear of social interaction but judgement, “we was in his room this whole time?”, if I know ahead of time that they will certainly be around for an extended period of time, I would act differently.

Had to wake up early for my lecture today, I had skipped the last two, thought three would be a step too far, I was wrong, lecture was worthless, I could have just locked over the slides and it ran for less than an hour, on the way out I saw with girl who I interacted with at a party last year, a friend to my acquaintances, we made eye contact, she looked away, she has never tried to initiate conversation with me, I was drunk when I was talking to her at the party so maybe she was just pretending to be nice but we had overlapping interests such as anime and Pokemon, guess there is some truth to what the bitter ones on /r9k/ say, women expect you to do all the legwork, not necessarily unfair but I don’t like it and I don’t like her.  I was too embarrassed to go home straight away so I went to the library to try and study for a bit, didn’t work, headed home half an hour later.

Saved all the pics of the Polish girl from my class and made my fake profile more convincing, turns out there is group for Poles in the city, not read today but it might yield some interesting information. While saving the pics, I noted she looked like a cousin of mine, I also thought at times my ex-roommate looked like my sister, I am not sexually attracted to my sister or my cousin, if they do indeed look alike then my attracting is due to me subconsciously linking their appearances with the existing relationships I have with those women. That is interesting, deep stuff but knowing why I feel doesn’t affect how I feel. I’m not even all that interested in the Polish girl in my class, it’s just that I am relatively more interested in her at the moment that many other things in my life. Also going to make another run at getting my ex-roommate to accept a friend request from a fake account, not going to rush it this time, patience and preparation are key, her photos and musings to me are sweet ecstasy. I took a look under her “recent activity” tab, her more recent new “friend” was some guy from her course, must be working on a group project, he added me instantly, even before I tidied up my profile to what I would call an acceptable standard. It’s quite pathetic how thirsty some guys are, yes, even I can look down on these guys who message “me” with no idea who I am (he sent me a thx for the add), if I wasn’t so worthless there would be opportunities for some truly evil manipulations, beyond my ability so I will carry on pretending like I am just too good of a person to abuse someone like that.

Rest of the day so far and likely until I sleep will be about the Manchester City v Barcelona game, I desperately hope the Mancs can overturn the two goal deficit, I believe they can, they are a group of exceptionally talented individuals who only lack motivation and morale, much like myself minus the talent. This is their time, my chance has not arrived yet.

I gave up the pushups after two days, might try again today.


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