FUCK FUCK FUCK

Walking into the library after my lecture, hit the fifth floor, see a girl in tights using the printer and turning to leave. I stare at her for a while, not sure where I am focusing, when she gets closer I realise who she is, fuck, she is my ex-roommate, not as pretty as I remember her being, much more ordinary than my recollections but she was definitely her. She was wearing an angry scowl or possibly pouting, I rose my hand, made eye contact and twitched my mouth as if to say something, I couldn’t speak, I wanted to say “sorry” but the words just would not come. I felt embarrassed, I had shaved this morning but it was a rush job and I think a bit of facial hair makes me look better, my hair was also uncombed and scruffy looking, I was planning a haircut today.This is not about me, it is about her, I really want to know what she was thinking, can’t tell what her expression meant, initial thoughts were that it was anger, disgust, everything you would expect, though as the minutes passed I began to think it could possibly be a hidden smile, perhaps she thought  my actions were cute? Perhaps she had gotten one over on me without my knowledge. Who knows, it is impossible to tell. Know that we have finally, certainly, seen each other since the incident, I feel as if my hand has been forced, I will send her an email message today, apologizing for my disgusting behaviour and if there is any way in which I can repent.

In the lecture at the start of the day I saw the other Polish girl, the one from my class talking to the lecturer, who also happens to be the course co-ordinator, or something like that, bit of worry, notice her glancing at me and later staring at me with suspicion, could she have possible seen those facebook messages outing me as her “stalker” and reported me? My concerns were heightened just now, I logged into my blog to write about my encounter with my ex-roommate, I had just returned my blog to public view last night and today I have had a gargantuan number of views, including hits from facebook, a large portion of those views are coming from facebook, I am envisioning a few scenarios, not liking any of them. One very nice thing I noted though were hits from Irish flags, must be the guy from /epl/ who said he enjoyed reading my blog, he was telling the truth! He must have been checking my page every day hoping for it to become public again.

It’s only 11am, been writing since 10.30am, felt some interesting emotions, was shaking like a life after I saw her but now I am just excited that there have been some exciting developments in my day/life. I don’t even care if this all turns out badly for me, at least it is exciting, makes me feel like I am alive and not just going through the usual dull lethargic motions. These feelings can also be applied to other areas of my life, they should encourage me to do other activities that I am usually uncomfortable with, they should but they don’t.

Really cannot stress how plain she looked, this is some real psychological shit, I was always told that she was a 6/10 but I am only really seeing it for the first time now. It is obvious why I saw her as more (e.g. girl in engineering class).

Another huge surge in the number of hits later in the day, again a lot of them coming from facebook, really worried about this, makes no sense, I haven’t linked it anywhere today, other than the facebook “crowd” everyone checking it out must already have known of it’s existence, very worrying, who is reading this, where did they call come from? I think I am already fucked, going dark again won’t help me, should have stayed invisible.

Roommate brought he gf over, felt confident today, went out and got some water, didn’t look at them, probably felt so big because I have bigger problems to deal with right now. Still was not confident enough to make dinner while they were around.

Emailed her, sent to her uni inbox, said sorry, I really, truly, desperately am, would do anything to change things, think I have said that enough times, if not I have certainly felt it.

Semi committed to going to the student well-being counsellor again. I am very sceptical of their ability to help me, not looking forward to having to engage with him/her either.

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