Feel too restricted in what I can say, this is no longer an adequate medium in which to express myself

Been very hot around here for the last week or so, though the only direct experience I have had with the heat is when I leave the building to go to ASDA. This city supposedly has a beach, been here near 4 years and never checked it out, not far from where I live either, minutes away by foot, don’t really know what I would do when I got there. My diet is the same as always, I thought I would try something new but I didn’t have it in me.

Roommate has been leaving his room to catch me in the kitchen awful frequently as of late, I just say “hi” and he responds in kind, I don’t understand what he wants, he isn’t even trying to talk to get a conversation going. Another theory is that he thinks I want to talk to him, I was quite chatty the night I was released from custody, it was a one off though, he should have gotten that by now. Neither of those theories make sense though, they are the actions of kind people, he did not invite me to his games so he is obviously not a considerate person and he does not wish to spend any more time around me than necessary. I don’t hate him at this point, I think nothing of him at all.

Saw a guy from my uni course yesterday while I was off to post a letter, I don’t really know him, we never spoke except a thanks I got when I moed put of his way, but I recognised him and stared for a while to make sure it was him, he eventually acknowledged me too, he didn’t say anything, just this weird facial movement, it was too much, clearly fake, not sure why he even did it, I didn’t think he was worthy of greeting, we are nothing to each other, why was this the time for him to show me some friendliness? I wonder how aware my classmates are of my situation, was their anouncement? or just a game of Chinese whispers? Maybe that’s why he acknowledged my presence, because for the first time he was actually aware of it.

I feel as if I have been treated unfairly by the university, more than anyone that is whom I harbour a grudge against. A completely non violent, non threatening grudge. Just like how Pepe would impotently scream for the normies to vacate his safe heaven.

Posted the contract with my legal aid solicitor yesterday, hope that gets things moving along.

This has been a terrible update for me, not therapeutic at all. Pretty sure I am going to leave it alone until the trial, now that I have confirmed I get nothing out of this while living under these conditions.


3 thoughts on “Feel too restricted in what I can say, this is no longer an adequate medium in which to express myself

  1. I hope you don’t stop updating. Reading about your thoughts and your struggles has not only been powerfully moving and a great exercise in empathy, but given me key insights into my own life as well. I guess I just want you to know the things you have to say are meaningful to someone out there.

    I’m rooting for you, Poleaboo.

    Liked by 1 person

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