Every entry this month I say that this will be my last until the trial but my mental state shifts drastically and I feel the need to update my previous statements. Currently playing Hearthstone, that’s where all my time is going and it makes me feel like I am am accomplsihing something, the job applications are not materialising into interviews, I don’t know what to do at this point, I’ve tried and failed to salvage my life and make use of the time I have before the trial(s), what more is expected of me? What do I do now? I found a vidya rental site, free trial, I want play GTA V, so I’m making use of that. Female roommate returned from her trip home yesterday, we happened to be in the kitchen at the same time, I asked how her trip back home was, she didn’t answer, I turned around and she was stood staring at me, must not have caught what I said, I repeated myself, she said “okaaaaay” and left. I have been told I mumble/don’t speak clearly before, this is not new, justb upsetting.
I came across some news articles yesterday about people who were accused nd found guilty of one of the things I am being accused of, looking from the outside in I thought these individuals were pathetic and/or creepy, one even said he was “in love” with his intended victim. Based off my posts you would think I could relate to that but no, looking back at my ramblings I cannot separate the fact from the fiction. I don’t know where the truth stats and at what point things become exaggerated, did I really feel those feel? Or did I just think that I should have felt a certain way based on what I had told myself previously regarding my character? I can’t think of a single word to describe myself, I don’t know why I don’t he things that I do, are they in character or am I playing a character?
I am no longer feeling hostile towards anyone or hard done by, it seems the university treating me the way they are is the standard, their reasoning and communication leaves a little to be desired but it would not change my circumstances, when people are perceived the way I am , other people get scared and report them, this is also normal, it seems based on the articles I read, I always knew the detective was just being nice to me in order to get me to spill my guts but I did buy into for a few minutes here and there but now I can see based on my alleged crimes no one should really have sympathy for me, I didn’t think those people in the articles were “messed up” or “confused”, so I should not be afforded the same courtesy.
I don’t understand why posters on 4chan and comment makers here are sympathetic towards my plight, I appreciate it so very much but it is more than I deserve. Thank you for being my friends.