I know, I know…

Every entry this month I say that this will be my last until the trial but my mental state shifts drastically and I feel the need to update my previous statements. Currently playing Hearthstone, that’s where all my time is going and it makes me feel like I am am accomplsihing something, the job applications are not materialising into interviews, I don’t know what to do at this point, I’ve tried and failed to salvage my life and make use of the time I have before the trial(s), what more is expected of me? What do I do now? I found a vidya rental site, free trial, I want play GTA V, so I’m making use of that. Female roommate returned from her trip home yesterday, we happened to be in the kitchen at the same time, I asked how her trip back home was, she didn’t answer, I turned around and she was stood staring at me, must not have caught what I said, I repeated myself, she said “okaaaaay” and left. I have been told I mumble/don’t speak clearly before, this is not new, justb upsetting.

I came across some news articles yesterday about people who  were accused nd found guilty of one of the things I am being accused of, looking from the outside in I thought these individuals were pathetic and/or creepy, one even said he was “in love” with his intended victim. Based off my posts you would think I could relate to that but no, looking back at my ramblings I cannot separate the fact from the fiction. I don’t know where the truth stats and at what point things become exaggerated, did I really feel those feel? Or did I just think that I should have felt a certain way based on what I had told myself previously regarding my character? I can’t think of a single word to describe myself, I don’t know why I don’t he things that I do, are they in character or am I playing a character?

I am no longer feeling hostile towards anyone or hard done by, it seems the university treating me the way they are is the standard, their reasoning and communication leaves a little to be desired but it would not change my circumstances, when people are perceived the way I am , other people get scared and report them, this is also normal, it seems based on the articles I read, I always knew the detective was just being nice to me in order to get me to spill my guts but I did buy into for a few minutes here and there but now I can see based on my alleged crimes no one should really have sympathy for me, I didn’t think those people in the articles were “messed up” or “confused”, so I should not be afforded the same courtesy.

I don’t understand why posters on 4chan and comment makers here are sympathetic towards my plight, I appreciate it so very much but it is more than I deserve. Thank you for being my friends.

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4 thoughts on “I know, I know…

  1. You mentioned you had a beach near you.

    As an idea maybe consider: borrowmydoggy.com

    Take the dog to the beach; go on random journeys; explore. Will get you out of the house, give you a furry friend and let you meet and build trust with the dog owner. The sun is out, you’re probably pale – get that vitamin D.

    As well as it being a good experience and take your mind off things, it’s also something you could add to your CV as volunteer work.

    Like

    • The reason I’m unhappy is because my life is over, I have no future, I don’t want to get my mind off it, I want to solve this problem.

      I appreciate your creative idea though.

      Like

  2. You’re a tough guy, mentally. If this happened to me I would be really stressed out. I wish I could condition myself to be as calm as you. How did your family react?

    Like

    • Haven’t told them just yet, was planning on waiting until the end of the month to reduce the amount of time they would have to put up with this.
      Now I’m just waiting to get the flat to myself so I can make the calls in private.

      As for being calm, turns out it was just 5 stages of grief, getting pretty freaked out now, I realise now there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

      Like

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