Acceptance

I’m sure an unoriginal individual, the emotions I have been going through the last month are nothing but the “5 stages of grief”, billions have gone through the same cycle. I feel pathetic looking back at how desperate and predictable I was, if I ever needed a final reminderbthan I am not special, this was it.

A little breakdown:

Denial – Many remarked either that I was handling things surprisingly well or that I was delusional, this was because I had not come to terms with the likely consequences of the events that had transpired, I thought the university would realise they made a mistake and have me back, the trial was just a formality and I would get a slap on the wrist. I also spent a lot of time either during this step or bargaining trying to claim I had autism, social anxiety and AvPD and this should excuse me from my alleged crimes. This is false, I am completely mentally healthy, I was just looking for a scapegoat, like a child. These accusations need to be tackled head on and I have to take the complaints on the chin.

Anger – Can’t get into much detail about this one. I wanted to hurt people but I am now over it, my emotions were natural.

Bargaining – This was me at my most pathetic, I believe, I sent multiple emails to my universitys principal in a one way conversation attempting to get him to consider having me back.

Depression – had this between ever stage really, bit of drinking, inability to masturbate, general mental anguish.

Acceptance – this is where I am now, I understand the levity of my situation, I am fucked, there is nothing I can really do about it, I don’t even care enough to have an opinion on the people and events involved anymore, instead I am going to make the most of the time I have left. Playing some vidya appears to be one of the most appealing paths open to me. I would have liked a job but clearly a cretin such as myself is unworthy of the honour of working at Tesco. I don’t have the motivation to leave my roommate to go lift or even for a few pushups during the day.

I bought some Lucozade yesterday along with bread, chocolate spread and peanut butter, had some today, it was tasty but the Lucozade is not doing it for me right now. Last week I was eating battered fish portions with beans, got sick of that quickly.

I really want a way out, an anon bought up the Merchant Navy as a good option for NEETs, I was excited by the idea but he was ill informed.

Got banned from all boards for 3 days for criticising the mods and janitors on /sp/, it came down fast, must be some kind of script, can’t reset the router as roommates are home. Watched some WWE and Boardwalk Empire, my attention span is terrible, it all feels so tedious, can’t help but skip to the finish or take a break after every scene.

There is a possibility that my trial, not my story, makes the news, local or tabloids, depending on how much they try to pin on me. To be honest I would enjoy the attention and that shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone as I have wanted people to notice me for a very long time.

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One thought on “Acceptance

  1. Well you are a real human bean. That said, reading your blog post, I wouldn’t be surprised if you had some autistic traits, or at the very least a severe deficit in social interaction. This unawarness is what brought you in this shitty situation I guess (don’t know the details of the whole story but something with doxxing I assume).

    I won’t beat around the bush: your situation is fucked. However, the trial is yet to come, there’s no verdict yet. Dunno how the whole thing with the lawyers and all works, but you better try working close with your defender. Might show him this blog.

    As others have metioned, you could try to do some voluntary work. You get something to put on your CV, and more importantly, something to take your mind off as well as having a bit of purpose.

    As I said, I’m reading your blog pretty much since your first post, and I firmly believe you’re not a bad person at all. You did make some stupid decisions, yes, but everyone makes those. You just need a bit help with social interactions, that’s all.

    I know it may sound pretentious, but it’s okay to feel bad in your situation. But try to not get swallowed up from your bad feelings. Stay strong. Wish you all the best

    Like

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