My mum called around 8, ignored the first call, picked it up the second time, half an hour later. I always intended to tell her before the end of the month, she was expecting to see me graduate in July, had to dash that simple dream quickly or else I would seem deceitful and cowardly, I felt a month was reasonable breathing space.
I answer, she asks why I didn’t pick up the first time, say I must have missed it, asks if I am busy with uni work, that was was very clear cue for me to confess, I told it to her straight, no tarting it up with fancy words. “I have been suspended from university and arrested, the trial is September the university will consider having me back then, this all happened at the start of the month”. Told her I had been charged with making offensive comments online, that they had gotten back to me. It is a fair description of the current charges against me, I also mentioned they took my phone and laptop and so more charges may be incoming.
She was too nice about it, called me brave, said it was shame, I didn’t know it was illegal, I’m a good boy idindunufin, she doesn’t want to admit I’m a failure and a disappointment so she lies to herself and then she lies out loud. I did respond saying it was more than a shame, I only have myself to blame, ignorance ofnbthe law is not an excuse but she wouldn’t have it. She sounded strong but I’m sure her heart is breaking, mine is too, I can handle torture inflicted on my own mind but what hurts is when it’s done to others, when I’m suffering I just hit the ‘off’ switch in my head, I can’t shut out other peoples pain though. Yes, I’m aware I sound like a fedora. My mum is sad and it’s my fault and there seems to be nothing I can do about it, it almost seems as if the best course of action would have been to lie and stage a mock graduation or something. This is the one reason I won’t commit suicide or go on some other kind of rampage ending with my face plastered over the news under the headline of ‘killer’.
She also offered to come by and visit me more than once, I turned her down, told her I was coping just fine, I had “friends”, that I was a little popular in the place I made the remarks so I had people to speak to 24/7. She was easy to talk to, didn’t feel like I was talking to a real person. It’s easy to talk to people like that, they feel like NPCs in a video game and I’m the hero, they exist to service me, I was very relaxed around the detectives who spoke to me, very chatty because it was all about me, I could end a conversation with ” no comment” and they were obligated to keep questioning me but crucially just like my mother they couldn’t show judgement, they could arrest me but they couldn’t look at me in disgust or call me a creep.
Heard about the French Foreign Legion being NEET friendly, got excited, turns out I was wrong to get my hopes up. Will try and get fit and make another run at joining the British Army. Currently can do 17 sit-ups in 1 minute, the aim is 44 in 2 iirc. Hopefully this might make her proud.
Havent told my dad yet, he is only nice when he thinks I am doing well, he flipped out when I dropped out of my first university course at the end of the first year. He wasn’t disappointed, he was angry. I’ve grown up since then and I’m not afraid of him anymore, he will just have to take it on the chin, let me deal with my problems like I always do, his opinions and feeling on the matter are worthless to me. Might call him later today or tomorrow. He works a lot hours, I admire that but I consider him to have only done the bare minimum at best when it comes to what is expected of a father (Providing), I brought it up once, he said I didn’t remember the shit he did when I was a kid. Maybe he is right. I remember some shit, we definitely spent time together.
The problem I have is that my mother’s love is unconditional to the point it blinds her to reason, my fathers love is most certainly conditional and that is not love.