I ended up calling mmy father last night too. He struggled to understand me and focused more the fact that I got suspended from university than the fact I may soon have a criminal record. Said he had a friend who was a barrister, I told him I wasn’t interested by I could tell he had spoken to him. My dad called back 4 or it may have been 5 times, he didn’t ask about my wellbeing either, he spent most of the time pushing for me to come back home, I don’t know why he would want my lazing about the house until the trial in September, I think it’s some kind of trick, he believes if he can speak to me in person he can get me to say/do whatever he wants, he is powerless over me while I am here. He tried approaching me from several different angles during the calls, that further raised my suspicions of his insincerity.

One thing that I really hated was that after I told my mum I am staying here, she offered to come visit. My dad on the other hand tried to get me to travel to him.

Credit where it is due, he did try to help, he offered me money too, asked if I was okay financially and he would pay for my final academic year if student finance don’t cover it. That’s not the help I am looking for and I place no value in it. I made these calls because I felt obligated to inform them of my situation, all I expected back was some chastisement and enquiring if I was “okay”.

Thought my roommates weren’t around when I was making the calls, I was wrong, I was loud and with these walls being as thin as they are they probably heard me. Feel embarassed, at least chances of them leaving me alone have increased.

Don’t know how reliable it is but I heard that there was no formal announcement at my uni regarding me, just the accusers telling their story to their friends and acquaintances. Been bugging me for a long time what was said about me.

Tried applying to jobs again, can’t apply to some because my tablet has issues. Will go to the job centre and use a computer there tomorrow, hopefully the staff will be as hand off as usual.

My sleeping schedule is all fucked, I go to sleep around 1am and today and I woke up at 1pm. Need to shave, beard has grown too much, will hurt. Little sister called me today, mother probably made her, heard he in the background saying “4 years down the drain”, glad she’s being honest about it with herself at least.


6 thoughts on “Father

  1. I’ve noticed you are headstrong and somewhat delusional, but I know what I am talking about. You don’t know me, but I find it very painful watching people do foolish things, heading for certain disaster. It is for this reason I wish you would seriously consider my advice.
    Seek counseling. Never mind whether you feel you need it or not, you do.
    If you don’t I see no reason why they won’t throw the book at you, expel you, possibly send you to jail, and definitely put you on a sex offender list.
    If they see you are actively seeking help and working with a therapist and that you know what you did was wrong and are trying hard to change it, then they may take pity on you and give you another chance.
    Again, I know what I am talking about.
    You are in serious trouble mister, at least act like you are aware of that fact.
    I don’t understand your aversion to therapy, you seem to like attention. I think some positive attention would be good for a change, don’t you?

    Liked by 2 people

    • I dont like the idea of therapy because it’s just me talking, I can do that here, what I want are solutions. Therapy just sounds like passing the buck.
      I am in trouble, I get that, it could get a whole lot worse, I can accept a criminal record andngetting kicked out of jail as long as I can form something that resembles a life, a job is a key ingredient of that.

      There’s no need to panic when there isn’t much I can do about the legal side ofn things. Im not a malicious guy and I hope the judge will be able to see that, I also decided to accept I don’t have mental problems, I was just looking for a scapegoat, using therapy as a weapon in court would be a step backwards..


      • I think you are a little out of touch. Do you even have any idea how creepy some of the stuff you did was, or at least have some conception of how sick it seems to regular people?
        I don’t know what kinds of books you read or the sort of movies you enjoy, but in the real world normal people just don’t do shit like that.
        I agree, having a well paying job you enjoy would be key to having an enjoyable life.
        What kind of fulfilling high paying jobs do you think are available for convicted sex criminals? Who will rent to you? What kind of people do you think will even want anything to do with you?
        Get the therapy. You need someone to advise you on what to do and how to think of things.
        Be honest, you don’t seem to be very gifted in these areas so you can use all the help you can get.
        Anyway, so what if it bores you, you only have to keep doing it until September when your case comes up.
        It’s a small sacrifice that will pay great dividends. Maybe if they see your repenting your wicked ways and trying to be a better person they may not throw your sorry ass out of school.
        Do you have any better ideas?
        I’m starting to think you’re just not in touch with reality. Your life will be completely ruined unless you start pretending to give a shit about all the sick stuff you have done.


  2. Hey man people say that I had mental issues once in my life and I got some sound advice. The guy said, “Look man you might see things a different way than everyone else it doesn’t mean anything good or bad it just means your not the masses” Thats what you are dude, your a rare bird. I really think you can beat the rap especially since you got the time stamp thing going on, and the girl didn’t accurately remember when she was roomies with you. How do they know they aren’t setting you up.

    Also I had mental issues and went to court and they were super lenient with me. I got probation for a firearms charge… fucking “careless use of a firearm”. I didnt even fire it, it was just loaded at my house but where I live its a federal fucking crime bro. I got off because I had a good lawyer too so don’t turn down that barrister or soliciter or whatever you brits call lawyers.

    Big fan of yours, keep blogging.


  3. so don’t blow this out of perspective bro. You are probably looking at a non-recorded conviction (nothing on police record) and an extra year at uni. You can deal with that so don’t sweat it too much.

    My advice –

    1. Go to a GP and get prescribed some anti anxiety meds (SSRIs or whatever) These take a few weeks to completely kick in but once they do 99% of your problems will be gone and your quality of life will vastly improve.

    2. save up some money and fuck a few prostitutes. Spend time enjoying their bodies. Whether or not they enjoy the experience is completely irrelevant.

    3. start hitting the gym on the reg. No more of this 15 push ups a night in your room bullshit. spend 90 mins a session there 3 days a week. It doesn’t matter if you see yourself as the ‘weird guy in the gym’. You will find self discipline an learn to love your body


    • Thanks but these are yesterdays problems for me, after the suspension what is killing me is my bleak future, I don’t worry about friends, no gf of social interaction anymore because I don’t interact with anyone.

      People seem uncertain weather or not I will be allowed to return to university.


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