I was wrong, again (100% pure worthless)

Still looking for a room for when my lease is up. Places here get a of of interest so it’s only worth chasing up listings that appear the same day. Spotted a couple that fell into my pricerange, hit them up, one ignored me, possibly due to too much interest? I don’t know, probably because I text instead of call. The other one did get back to me, a slavic female put up the ad, I don’t care who I live with, I just want somewhere to live, but yes, the prospect did excite me very much. The place was cheap for the region, didn’t look like there was a living room, perfect to avoid social interactions, we exchanged a few text messages, she was kinda cute, got some “!”s and and “ohh”. Not sure why a female would entertain the idea of living with males, surely it would be preferable to live with her own. I find it hard to believe women are so naive.

It was pretty far out but along the main bus route so plotting the journey was easy enough, I walked just over a two miles and during the trip I realised how far from normiedom I really was. Hot day so they all came out to play, it was easy enough to ignore their cries of joy but ignoring the sight of them hanging out with the lads, jogging with their mate, nattering with their bff or worst of all, walking hand in hand with their lovers is much, much harder to turn a blind eye to. I can’t help how I feel and I fucking hate seeing all these normies enjoying life, experiencing and feeling shit I will never know. It’s frustrating and unfair, I’m the only one being excluded. I just want what literally everyone else has, that’s not a big ask and I am entitled to it since it’s the norm, wanting friends and a gf is no different to wanting oxygen and when I don’t get it, I’m justified in feeling cheated and resentful to those withholding friendship and love.

Got to the place, it was A pretty run down region. Texted her to signal my arrival as the buzzer was apparently not working. She came down in her pyjamas, was a pretty thing, did not like smiling, I took it as legitimate disinterest. I said I was here to view the room and then realiised how stupid that was as she already knew that, I think she smirked or laughed, asked her about summer, she said she was leaving, so I guess that meant I was taking her room, not sure though. She asked if I was a studsnt and I mentioned what uni I was a student at, she said she went to the same one, that got as legitimate smile, unfortunately I was to dense to follow it up with the obvious questions such as what she studied and what year she was in. She showed me the room, noticed an anti-homophobia Putin poster. Says something aboutbher personality I’m sure, I don’t know what though. I said it was nice, walked around in a little circle. Took a look at. the kitchen. Asked some questions I had prepared but got stumped when I asked if there was much interest in the advert. She said I was the first to view it and the real question was whether or not I was interested. Sounded like she was prepared to offer the room to the first person who said they wanted it but I was cautious, due to the high volume of interest people can be picky about who they let to. She said she’d let me know in a couple of days. Think I talked myself out of the room. Other tennant was there, just did the introductions while he stood there.

I left feeling very frustrated at myself. Walking by main roads is very therapeutic, they are scarcely populated at points and constantly noisy. I can vent here, mutterer, talk and shout at myself. “Stupid” is the usual chant, there was violent misogynistic stuff this time too, “stab the slut in the face”, I don’t really believe that shit, they’re just trigger words that help me relax.

Bought some cereal from Asda along with tortillas, when I got to the checkout the cereal was more expensive than I thought, I was to embarassed to out them back as I would then only be left with the unhealthy tortillas, it was a self serve so I would still have needed to call someone over to cancel the items, could have just walked away though. Felt sick after eating the tortillas, didn’t even finish them, disgusting.

Dad called, asked when I was coming home, said when I felt like it. He was under the impression I was coming home sooner, offered to pay for a train or flight, said it was important because I could speak to a solicitor here and make sure I don’t get fucked. I just put down the phone, I don’t want to bother with him anymore, he cares more about my legal woes than I do, I have other problems and that’s what I want to focus on.

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