I hate seeing other people happy and socialising, it makes me very angry. I know I’m just bitter, jealous. They usually offer me warmth, smiles and conversation but I’m too inept to capitalise and they assume I dislike them or they figure I am too much effort and give up on me. These are natural responses on their part and I am wrong to feel hatred towards them. I know this but I’ve been thinking about yesterday all day today and it’s driving me up the wall.
I desperately want some kind of community to belong to. Boards on 4chan aren’t doing it anymore, not sure if they ever did fill that void. The few lads who read my blog before I was arrested, they were my real friends, they understood me and gave me more of a chance than anyone, didn’t expect anything in return.
Bored during much of today, grinded Somme gold on Hearthstone and bought another wing of Nexxramas. Took a look at the Facebook page of that Polish girl from work, just to kill the time, nothing wrong with wanting to know more about the people you work with. Turns out she’s Lithuanian and just like always, looking. through peoples Facebook pages depresses me. So many pictures of them smiling, with friends, enjoying life and having their academic shit on track. She is 3 years younger than me, I believe, while I don’t find it demeaning to be trained by a 16 year old, I don’t like the idea of someone like her having progressed that far up the ladder.I’m not saying she is inferior but she should be at a disadvantage, so if she is above me then that means I am inferior.
Heard my roommate cleaning the hallway this morning. Pissed in a Lucozade bottle a while after she was done, I didn’t want to seem unhelpful, though I don’t think the place was in much need of a clean. I only ever clean the public areas when everyone else is out so I probably seem like I don’t do much. The bottle was 380ml, I filled it, still had some left so went on the carpet a little before I could bring myself under control.
Roommate brought he female friend over at around 6pm, the day before that sped by, meant to get some food but kept postponing it, thirsty and hungry right now.
I don’t know to what extent my problems are interlinked, they could be entirely indepennded and I am just forcing these relationships. I mean I hate seeing people happy, this makes me angry and then I do stupid shit. This is all irrelevant though as I only care about the happiness of others because I myself am unhappy. So I need to find joy in my life but to do that I need friends and since I’m not blaming social anxiety or AvPD anymore I have no idea what the problem is so I can’t begin work on a solution.
Thinking about the police interview, I remember know I already tried the “it’s a gimmick” defence, it was dismissed instantly because it made me sound legitimately dangerous. I supposedly used people as props to create greentext stories. Would be better off claiming I was sexually juvenile, a budding predator who had made a few mistakes but had seen the error of his ways.