Suffer

I’ve realised that I don’t particularly want to be happy, have friends or an active social life complete with gf but that’s not true, what I hate is that everyone else is happy, I could have what they have but I would still be fuming seeing someone else mocking me with a smile. I’m not a malicious person though, I don’t want others to suffer, just to feel like myself. I can’t stand them, I hate it, hope for events that will make their lives more unpleasant or for them to know my feeling in their final moments as they are hit by the end decades sooner than expected. Sour grapes, misery loves company etc. Awareness doesn’t help how I feel.

Someone has been impersonating/parodying me, made posts about a nappy fetish, I hate it but it has caught on with me, I shouldn’t be too surprised as it’s related to femdom but I am disappointed in myself as I thought I had become normal, sexually speaking. Not proud of myself but the thought of it is giving me an erection, could be because I haven’t masturbated since Thursday morning. I think part of the lure is the convenience, no more pissjugs, no more stressing over timing my bathroom useage. I know how pathetic it sounds but it boils down to a bit of fun, don’t want to consider the psychological implications. If it was just about me, I wouldn’t have a problem with this at all, what does irk me about this is that certain individuals will be pleased that they “reduced” me to this, I don’t want to give them the satisfaction but I’m sure they’ve had more than enough vindictive little laughs already and they will surely reap what they’ve sewn so I shouldn’t think too much of them, I’ll just do whatever I want to in order to entertain myself, gain joy and make my life easier until the time comes to settle debts (reference to the trial, detective).

Dad told me I should relax and not worry about my degree or getting a job,at least not for the time being. I’m set on heading back on the 27th still.

Watched some of the Women’s World Cup and MMA. Kept a fast today, it was fine, I don’t have much of an appetite anyway. Still taking my tablets, only the one today.

Played Naruto Ultimate Ninja Storm 2 with my brother and cousin for a few hours, it wasn’t a good game. Female cousin and sister tried to convince me go on holiday to Tunisia with them, or it might have been Italy, I was never considering it.

Little sister wanted to read some Harley Quinn comics, claimed interest in the upcoming Suicide Squad film, figured she was just interested in female superheroes in general. Downloaded Harley, Ms Marvel and Batgirl for her. She said she enjoyed them all. Still owe her a birthday present, might buy her a hard copy of something.

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8 thoughts on “Suffer

  1. “I’ll just do whatever I want to in order to entertain myself, gain joy and make my life easier until the time comes to settle debts ”

    Again, given your cryptic comments in the last post, are you trying to transition from poleaboo into the Brown Elliot Rodger?

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    • I can’t post specifically regarding certain frustrations lest they be construed as threats and I get remanded (which would probably be fair) hence the vague shit.

      >I don’t like certain people
      >Wish them harm
      That’s it

      I’m not like Elliot, I don’t hate all normies, just that ones I’ve seen. That’s very much a tertiary grudge though.

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  2. You’re in the midst of an identity crisis – your ethic identity, sexual orientation, social and class status, all in flux. This is all pretty common for guys of your age. It’ll all sort itself out in the wash, but yeh the process may be a painful one.

    One word of advice bro – you’re far too genuine. Learn to wear a mask and to live a lie. Eventually the mask will become real and you’ll think / act the same as everyone else (assuming this is what you actually want)

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    • I’m straight, became sure of that a month ago.

      Can’t wear a mask because my problem isn’t confidence, I just don’t know how normal people behave and speak. I have no idea how to respond to anything other than factually. I have no imagination hence instead of attentionwhoring with creative, fun, fake greentexts I posted real shit for over a year and got myself into this mess.

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  3. when you talk about ‘settling old scores’ do you mean giving these people a good telling off? Or are you implying something more serious (like a nasty prank)?

    I don’t recommend either. Don’t let these people get under your skin Poleaboo. Sticks and stones.

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