My dad spoke to me a two days ago, said he hadn’t been sleeping and wanted more info on my arrest. I put his mind to rest. He was able to pry it out of me that it involved a female and she was white. Said if came down to racist comments and that I had never interacted with the individual accusing me but I was guilty. He called it bad luck. Don’t like sympathy, don’t like the other extreme, the people who post here react the best, even the hostile ones because they have read everything and come from a similar background.

Had another vivid dream, must have something to do with it being quite hot in my room. It’s good stuff, genuinely want to go back to the dream when I’ve woken up, feel like I’ve lost something.

My birthday was today. Hate that I am reminded of how badly I have failed at life and that the people around me pretend otherwise. I told my mother I didn’t want to mark the occasion but she insisted, told her I didn’t want any gifts but again she insisted. She bought me some clothes, I don’t by clothes for myself, I have been told I don’t dress well. It might be true but I am not concerned, never cared about how other perceive me and I don’t believe my personality can convincingly carry what is currently considered fashionable. Glad for the gifts though, I probably need new clothes even if I don’t want them.

Got some chocolates and other bits and pieces too. We ate Pizza and I watched the last three episodes of JoJo on apthe large living room television. Found the fight itself disappointing, impossible to live up to the hype though. People found my disinterest regarding proceeding as amusing so harm done despite expressing myself as I wished.

Good day I suppose, even I forgot about my problems for a bit. However when I blew out my candles instead of wishing for my problems to disappear I wished for something more sinister, I know that doesn’t reflect well on me and implies I would rather get even by dragging everyone else to my level than being given the opportunity to claw myself up to everyone else’s.

Mum and dad had a row concerning tax credits, it was uncomfortable, both of them are pretty bad, both have a point, both behaved like children. Believe the issue is that my mother wants a cut of the credits because she used Child Benefits to feed the kids in the past but my dad wants the credits because he spent £4200 on my sisters car insurance, both believe they are owed by the other individual. Not happy with my dads tone and the paki language shittalking I assumed he was doing. Told him to fuck off. He really got on my nerves earlier in the day when he politely and ignorantly asked why I didn’t look into getting accounting work. Felt like stabbing him.

Nonsensical petty shit, my mother paid for the Pizza, she goes to bed, father comes back from work, grabs a slice, little sister tells my dad he can’t have any because mother paid for it (my mother always says that), father declares his intention to pay her back in full for the cost (which he always does), there’s a back and forth and he weakly snaps at her. She can be dense and he can be ugly.

Much prefer the peace and quiet after midnight, all alone downstairs in my little bubble than being around people. Stress free, drama free, might need to to take more beta blockers to feel this way all the time.

There was some shit getting married too. Nipped that in the bud. I’m in a terrible place in most respects and hate myself, I wouldn’t wish myself on another human being and I doubt anyone would want me in my current state. Those aren’t the reasons I am against it though, I just don’t want to spend my existence with another human being, I like my alone time. Doesn’t make sense considering I hated being alone a few months ago. I don’t know. Maybe having regular interactions with my new roommates, family and friend over the last month has tired me out.


18 thoughts on “Birthday

  1. Do you think the Polish girl is attracted to you on some level? Do you think she made efforts to come and see you while you were working?


  2. Happy birthday!

    Sounds like you don’t like dealing with relationship dramas much. And you also find it exhausting to talk with people with whom you don’t have much in common. You need to find people on your wavelength Poleaboo. Do you think the polish girl is a ‘kindred soul’, or are you just lusting after her tight nubile body?


    • Thanks. Don’t much enjoy talking to people with similar interests either.

      Polish girl(s) were just whatever I projected onto them, there were some genuinely nice qualities which I focused on and possibly exaggerated. Having one positive trait meant they were more likely to have the other traits I wanted them to have. or something like that, can’t explain why I was or still am obsessed over them.


      • You’re old enough to stop blaming your parents for being a piece of shit. Start taking responsibility for what you’ve done. Your dad didn’t force you to make your housemate unknowingly drink your piss. Your dad didn’t force you to act like a total dickhead to the polish girl. It’s your fault. And you’re doing nothing to become a better person, you’re just finding excuses after excuses for why you’re at the bottom. Popping pills and sending jobs applications out is not gonna make you a better person. You may fit in better in social situations and earn more money, but you will still be a piece of shit. If you ever want to become a decent person, you need to get out of your own ass, stop being so concerned about your own well being and mood, and reach out to others, try to help people who are less privileged than you. You just feel sorry for yourself all the time, and this is why you’re stuck. Asshole.


      • I am not a bad person or an asshole, I don’t go out of my way to fuck with people who have done no harm to me. We can argue about weather or not the Polish girl and my flatmate fucked with me but with regards to me being a bad person it is irrelevant as I did feel wronged and in my opinion I was just getting even, not hurting people who didn’t deserve it.

        Depends on your definitions of these phrases so we might not be on the same page here.


  3. “Believe the issue is that my mother wants a cut of the credits because she used Child Benefits to feed the kids in the past but my dad wants the credits because he spent £4200 on my sisters car insurance, both believe they are owed by the other individual.”



  4. > attracted to white girls
    > doesn’t care about fashion

    Are you retarded? White girls care about that shit and notice it on a guy. You have to care mate, double since you’re a paki and it’s harder for you to get a white girl, polish or not.

    That means fashion, good haircut and decent body. Take some pride in your appearance.


    • I’m not attracted to white girls exclusively. A qt is a qt, I just happen to have gotten caught on a couple who happen to be white/Polish.

      Watching the soaps and the paki girls in my opinion are the best talent on each of the big three respectively.

      I have started getting haircuts more regularly for a while now (once every 6-8 weeks)
      I’ll wear the clothes my mum got me (if I need to leave my room)
      But going to the gym is too much


  5. Do you think you will die kissless? You can probably find a hooker who would accept your business but I doubt they’d be comfortable letting you kiss them.


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