Birthday

My dad spoke to me a two days ago, said he hadn’t been sleeping and wanted more info on my arrest. I put his mind to rest. He was able to pry it out of me that it involved a female and she was white. Said if came down to racist comments and that I had never interacted with the individual accusing me but I was guilty. He called it bad luck. Don’t like sympathy, don’t like the other extreme, the people who post here react the best, even the hostile ones because they have read everything and come from a similar background.

Had another vivid dream, must have something to do with it being quite hot in my room. It’s good stuff, genuinely want to go back to the dream when I’ve woken up, feel like I’ve lost something.

My birthday was today. Hate that I am reminded of how badly I have failed at life and that the people around me pretend otherwise. I told my mother I didn’t want to mark the occasion but she insisted, told her I didn’t want any gifts but again she insisted. She bought me some clothes, I don’t by clothes for myself, I have been told I don’t dress well. It might be true but I am not concerned, never cared about how other perceive me and I don’t believe my personality can convincingly carry what is currently considered fashionable. Glad for the gifts though, I probably need new clothes even if I don’t want them.

Got some chocolates and other bits and pieces too. We ate Pizza and I watched the last three episodes of JoJo on apthe large living room television. Found the fight itself disappointing, impossible to live up to the hype though. People found my disinterest regarding proceeding as amusing so harm done despite expressing myself as I wished.

Good day I suppose, even I forgot about my problems for a bit. However when I blew out my candles instead of wishing for my problems to disappear I wished for something more sinister, I know that doesn’t reflect well on me and implies I would rather get even by dragging everyone else to my level than being given the opportunity to claw myself up to everyone else’s.

Mum and dad had a row concerning tax credits, it was uncomfortable, both of them are pretty bad, both have a point, both behaved like children. Believe the issue is that my mother wants a cut of the credits because she used Child Benefits to feed the kids in the past but my dad wants the credits because he spent £4200 on my sisters car insurance, both believe they are owed by the other individual. Not happy with my dads tone and the paki language shittalking I assumed he was doing. Told him to fuck off. He really got on my nerves earlier in the day when he politely and ignorantly asked why I didn’t look into getting accounting work. Felt like stabbing him.

Nonsensical petty shit, my mother paid for the Pizza, she goes to bed, father comes back from work, grabs a slice, little sister tells my dad he can’t have any because mother paid for it (my mother always says that), father declares his intention to pay her back in full for the cost (which he always does), there’s a back and forth and he weakly snaps at her. She can be dense and he can be ugly.

Much prefer the peace and quiet after midnight, all alone downstairs in my little bubble than being around people. Stress free, drama free, might need to to take more beta blockers to feel this way all the time.

There was some shit getting married too. Nipped that in the bud. I’m in a terrible place in most respects and hate myself, I wouldn’t wish myself on another human being and I doubt anyone would want me in my current state. Those aren’t the reasons I am against it though, I just don’t want to spend my existence with another human being, I like my alone time. Doesn’t make sense considering I hated being alone a few months ago. I don’t know. Maybe having regular interactions with my new roommates, family and friend over the last month has tired me out.