Dad called, him I’m not coming down for Eid. Can’t be bothered with the long journey and I saw them not long ago. He said he’d pay for a flight if I feel the train takes too long. I don’t feel like it, I’m not angry, I don’t feel anger anymore, I don’t need to a change of scenery to cool off or unwind.
Haven’t paid for the seeds yet, need to go into town early, get to the bank and ask them to transfer the money. Also need to use public computers to search for jobs and some other shit. The amusement park is only open 6 months a year, need to sort something post-summer.
Roommates were around most of the day today, Chad still fucking thinks the kitchen is a living room/his bedroom. I had to use a pissbottle, fortunately I have many soft drinks bottles in my room right now. I used the Pepsi 2L, bad choice, the neck is too narrow for my penis. Went to it a few times, over half full. I have been been able to penetrate an active social interaction, as in people having a conversation, I can’t get into that, I need to initiate with someone one on one or they need to bring me in. So this isn’t a step back, this is. still normal and though I haven’t taken beta blockers for the last 2 days. Chad hasn’t been using my bowl recently but I get the feeling he has a low opinion of me, considers me weird. Pouring piss into his milk isn’t revenge, it’s me expressing my feeling towards him.
On Saturday I think I saw the girl who allegedly got me fired from McDonalds on the bus, she gave me a funny look, she works with the other girl, know that at least. Would have said something but my mind didn’t register her until I walked past her.
Ex-roommate didn’t reply to my request to see utility bills from the previous quarters, indication he is fucking me on all fronts, I can move forwards with the small claim now.
Graduation is tomorrow. Hope I see people from uni at the park.
I still like her and wish her the best, think I like her more now than I did before. I still mean “like” in a non-sexual way. Actually no, now I’m thinking about her some more and her appearance is repulsing me. She’s objectively not attractive, that’s the feeling I keep getting when reviewing her pics, females in the flesh go up a few points or maybe this is the only way to see clearly. Think it might be a sexual thing now. I don’t know, I can’t remember shit, I don’t know what I’m trying to cling onto. I don’t feel anything, I don’t care if I see her again.
I try and block certain things out since it would force me to feel a way. I don’t want to feel, she did this, this means she hates me, this means I should hate her. I don’t want to feel hate.
Regardless, I can barely remember them them so I can’t even feel depression from losing someone I loved.
Don’t even want to see either of them again or their pics. Don’t know why I still mutter her name when I’m alone though.
Note – Could be talking about anyone here + disclaimer