Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

Missed calls yesterday were from my solicitors office. Scheduled a meeting for Wednesday next week, next week as the work rotas are done on the Sunday so I can ask for any day off.

Went the day without water, felt grumpy throughout. Need to experiment and find the right amount I can drink without needed to relieve myself.

Asked my manager for next Wednesday off. Told me it’s an issue for the operations director, he’ll send him my way later.

Found a bit of metallic debris in my ride yesterday while I was cleaning, should have done it sooner so didn’t report it. Planned on ignoring it altogether or reporting it this morning. I decided to report it, make myself look vigilant.

The girl who trained me asked me while I was walking towards the manager if I was alright, needed any help etc. she is a good person, not obsessed over her as I do not find her sexually attractive. Didn’t get much of a response from my manager, went to wait back in my ride. Maintenance guy and manager came over, guy said it was nothing to worry about. Manager and maintenance guy walked away. Wanted to ask if it was okay to reopen the ride but couldn’t find my voice. Asked over the radio a bit later and was told “I would have said as I was walking away”. Turned away a few groups of people from the ride. Manager turns up and asks why I haven’t opened the ride, “I thought you said-“. He tells me he told me to open it ashe was walking away, again on the radio and that if I don’t understand/hear him then I should say so. I really don’t remember anything being said, maybe he spoke while my back was turned and I was focusing on something else. He was only a little mad and disgusted, didn’t like seeing him that way. Felt stupid, was angry at myself the whole day, considered the merits of suicide as I do not enjoy living, I did not want to return here.

The ride wasn’t going as high as usual so I radioed in again. Equalled the total amount of times I’ve used the radio in my entire tenure here, I feel uncomfortable speaking on it or the phone, unclear what is being said. Manager and a tech guy came to watch the ride and left without saying a thing.

Stoic guy who covers me on my lunch break arrived an hour later. Told him about the ride. Said he’d heard over the radio. Bit of a smile and his friendly voice doesn’t match his look, no wonder he doesn’t speak much. Not sure what his opinion on the matter is.

Operations director spoke to me. He’s always nice, soft spoken. Manager had told him I wanted tomorrow off. Beginning to think the problem isn’t me. Cleared it up and he said it wasn’t a problem, like I suspected. I think he likes me. Basic shit like not pulling sickies have value here.

Still no new tablet. Don’t want that guy on the customer service desk to query me.

Manager was nice at the end of the day. Called me ‘young man’ and said goodbye. Felt a bit relieved.

Think I caught the golf girl looking at me.

Chad was in the kitchen when I got back. Didn’t say ‘hello’ when he heard me arrive. Good but he’s a cunt for trying to avoid me. Tagged out with Chinese roommate 2 hours later so no dinner for me today. They spoke about British politics and culture, would have had contributions to make, hope the topic comes up again.

Looking forward to the meeting with the solicitor, want to read those statements. Hope they did video interviews and I can watch them too.

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11 thoughts on “Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

  1. Out of curiosity do you see yourself as more of a rational or emotional kind of person? Take my advice, leave fundamentalism, terrorism, extremism etc. Do not even consider going down that avenue. Religiosity and dogma are destructive (don’t know if this means much to you). I guess the question is ultimately what do you want in life? Do you want to be happy? What do you believe to be your purpose in life? If you want to explore alternatives why not try focusing on spiritual traditions as opposed to organised religion. Think Buddhism, Taoism, perhaps even Sufism with their broader, deeper and more meaningful teachings where the focus is more on realising a higher state of consciousness, awakening/enlightenment, becoming one with the Cosmos, and self purification. Just a suggestion. All a matter of perspective.

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  2. “Good but he’s a cunt for trying to avoid me.”

    You are so fucked in the head it’s unreal.

    You need detaining and soon.

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  3. You try to hard to please people. A lot of your blog focuses on what other people think. You also seem to be in control when you are angry about something. This is when you are true to yourself.

    Rather than being a ‘people-person’ and trying so hard to be liked, perhaps aim to be a bit more of a cunt.

    You should try to be a cunt to people’s face. I’m not saying you shouldn’t piss in Chad’s milk (you should if it makes you happy) but you should also have an abrasive and dismissive attitude to people in general, if that’s how you actually feel.

    Be true to yourself and ignore everything else. It takes practice but you’ll achieve true contentment if you pull it off

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    • I was thinking this a few days ago when I took joy in not allowing people access to my ride. It’s pleasurable being a cunt but only when you’re in a position of power, nothing to fear, think nothing of others opinions.

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  4. Everyone makes mistakes, anybody who is an adult knows to be supportive when you’re the new person. I started a new job (my first real one) recently and fuck up a lot. None of your mistakes have even been that bad (apart from pissing yourself).

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    • It’s been near 3 weeks and it’s such simple shit. It only requires one sentence to explain to a normal person, they can fill in the blanks but I want step by step instructions.

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      • She trained me for one day, my first day, after that I was left to my own devices. No one is keeping evaluating or checking up on me. I call her my trainer because that’s what she was introduced to me as and all she means to me.

        The only times I come to the attention of others is when I fuck up.

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