Lower level of Hell

Stopped taking my betablockers a while ago, don’t know if they were doing anything but I’ve not been feeling anything since stopping and had no qualms about saying stupid shit. Used the word ‘cunt’ in front of that female trainee a few days ago. I need a filter and feeling terrified is better than feeling nothing. Don’t want to blame the tablets for seemingly regressing though.

Chad was in the kitchen all fucking day, from when I returned home at 2pm to 10pm at least. He doesn’t have a desk in his bedroom so he uses the table in the kitchen, he uses the kitchen like it is an extension of his room or a living room. What I liked about this place was the lack of a living room, less pressure to interact with the other flatmates. Spent all day working and watching shitty sitcoms. Fucking inconsiderate cunt, how would he like it if I spent all day using that room they way he did?

Went to the pissbottles several times, topped off the Lucozade and soaked the carpet a little. Got over 3 litres now. Chad could most certainly hear me handling the bottles and adjusting my trajectory. Logically it made no sense for my to avoid going to the bathroom.

Did get brave and leave to buy Doritos at 8, figured he already knew I was home and I wouldn’t have to see him, just remind him of my existence again and generate another opinion on me. Couldn’t eat them though as he would hear my munching.

Chinese roommate came back and drank beer with Chad, they hung out for 2 hours in the kitchen. Didn’t invite me to drink with them despite knowing I was home. It was Chads beer, he’s the one at fault. He clearly doesn’t like me. He shits on me, I piss on him.

Weird how the Chinese guy brought up Chads gf again, “would you rather have a successful career or be unemployed and have your gf?”

Chinese roommate too residence in the kitchen after Chad. No headphones but I use his washing powder so have to cut him some slack.

Heard Chad talking to his gf over Skype or something. I’m not feeling the chemistry between the two of them. There conversations aren’t interesting or fun though she laughs. Watched Spoony and his gf review wrestling, he seems to tolerate her. Don’t understand bf/gf relations at all.

Went into town to print off CVs, the guys forced to work at the job centre are always such gimps. Realised I hadn’t put my name on my CV outside my email, possible the reason for my bad luck hunting for work. Frustrating walking through town. Home had its problems too bit I prefer the people to be miserable and scummy. Hate the people here.

I would describe myself as Muslim. All I have done so far is avoid the haram chicken sandwiches for lunch but it’s a start.

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7 thoughts on “Lower level of Hell

  1. Why does it bother you if Chad hears your munching or general existing? He already knew you were home, he doesn’t expect you to be silent at all hours. Also, can you recite the last conversation you had with him beyond >chatted some shit — it’s possible you were saying the wrong things.

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    • It just does. It wouldn’t make a difference if I knew why.

      The conversation was the same as the others
      >recite the argument with a customer story
      >colleague got fired for being creepy around kids
      And work is shit, too much negativity

      He chipped in with some facts and personal experiences relating to the amusement park
      Asked if I had tried applying to any jobs closer by

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  2. What is your definition of Muslim? Is it simply someone who eats halal food and avoids haram food? To my understanding a Muslim is someone who at the very least believes in one God and recognises the prophecy of Muhammad. Do you believe in God and on what grounds? And what is the extent of your knowledge regarding Islam? Are you striving to follow a more moderate path or do you not mind taking a more extremist approach? Why the interest in engaging the faith now? Are you trying to fill some vacuum, find some sense of belonging?

    When it comes to religion avoid excess, extremism etc at all costs. Religion can become a dangerous obsession which blinds people to reason and causes them to commit the most heinous crimes and justify them. History testifies to that. Try to maintain an arm’s length distance. Whatever journey you choose to take do not lose touch with your basic sense of humanity and always apply common sense. As always I’d be very interested to hear your perspective.

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  3. >  how would he like it if I spent all day using that room they way he did

    He wouldn’t care. No normal person would, you could always ask him to use headphones if the sound of his sitcoms annoy you.

    But honestly do something about that social phobia, not being able to eat/ going to the bathroom because another person is at home is seriously messed up. Go to a doctor/therapist and telk them how it is, yes you will feel ashamed, yes you need to overcome yourself and it certainly won’t be a pleasant feeling, but those guys are under the rule of confidentality, and will be able to help you better then anyone here.

    As for the betablockers, those kind of meds usually take their time to unfold their effect, gotta use them regularly (that’s important, else you might not bother at all) for at least 2 weeks / 1month, if you then won’t feel a difference, go to your doc to adjust the dosis or change the med

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    • Good info on the beta blockers. It takes 2 weeks to get an appointment with a doctor, if I made an appointment I’d lose interest or think my issues less relevant when the date finally came.

      The therapist wouldn’t understand me anyway.

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  4. betablockers aren’t like aspirin. you don’t just pop one when you feel you need it – you must take a regular dosage for at least a month to make sure your levels are consistent. Impossible to tell if they are working or not before you do this

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