Had to train that peppy little blonde female on my ride again. She has terrible skin, probably an actual medical condition, not wearing any makeup either. Took in her shape, looks like a boy. Most of the guys are better looking than her so she likely isn’t getting as much attention as she’d like. She was very friendly and familiar with me but I never forgot the phrase “If she’s nice to you, then she’s nice to everyone”. A tap on the shoulder and constant smiles were nice, I’m mature enough to admit that but I know it’s all a show, it also bothers me that she seems to have integrated herself into the group better than myself and that management seem to like her. My conversations with her during training were no different than if I had been speaking to a male, talked about the ride and work in general. She did her cutesy shtick that I wasn’t biting, “lol, look at this shirt, it’s so big for me, it’s like a dress!”, heard her do the same joke again 6 hours later.
I was told to move back onto the Log Flume to finish my training and assessment later in the day. It was a priority apparantly, get me onto a tough ride and the female onto an easy one. The guy was smiling and joking and shit, felt comfortable that he was comfortable with me. I was able too banter a little. He was doing pull ups on one of the supports, cool guy. He was helpful and understanding. I was anxious about the training and test. Another guy came by later, he has always been nice, he was just as nice this time, gave me a nickname, heard everyone has one on my first day, because I struggle to pull the carts on the ride, the guy ironically said I was “strong as a bear”, so my nickname is now “bear”. Maybe I really do have a reputation for being weak. Was offered help moving signs this morning too. The nickname alongside starting up a conversation with a colleague who I had not spoken to before earlier in the day (he came across as dim) made me feel like a genuine member of the team.
I passed the assessment though I felt it was generous. Nice guy told me some of the answers on the written test, it’s expected. My body is sore from pulling the carts on the ride, won’t last if I’m always going to be on the Log Flume.
Operations Director gathered everyone at the end of our shifts, congratulated us on 3 weeks service and offered is a free drink and game of bowling in the nearby building also owned by the amusement park. I was up for it at first but as everyone was loitering, smoking and forming groups of friends, I didn’t really know what to do with myself. In these types of situations I need someone to hold me hand. Decided I wasn’t comfortable with the whole thing and walked passed the bowling alley after collecting my rucksack, walked passed colleagues at the bowling reception, passed smokers outside and just walked on to the bus stop. I did hear two guys or maybe one guy twice ask “Where is he going?”, kinda wanted someone to chase after me or at least talk to me before I left. Felt quite choked up. Not angry at myself, just want to forget, I didn’t want to join the bowling, I wanted to want to join them.
What I disliked most was how no matter how pleasant people were around me one on one, it was just them being a decent human being, meant nothing to them. Hated seeing people who I had earlier had interactions with brighten up around their real pals. The same is true for guys “if they’re nice to you ….”. Don’t like group situations, highlights I’m the odd one out or that I’m not even part of the group. Going to go to the GP and book an appointment tomorrow morning. Try CBT.
At home both roommates were in the kitchen, said “hi”, got changed, had a few words with them. I talk too much about work. Chad fucked off. Spilled my heart to Chinese Chad. Told him about the bowling, anxiety, CBT and the girl at work. He shared personal experience, offered sympathy and advice. Easy to talk to maybe because English isn’t his native language and so he doesn’t seem like a real person, there’s a detachment there.
Tomorrow I will root this tablet using the library computers so I can play Hearthstone. GP. Schedule redelivery of my tablet box. Paki shop vacancy the day after.
Should maybe talk to my friend, not sure what I want him to say though.