Met with my solicitor today, took about an hour to reach his office in a residential district nestled between a bookies and a convenience store. I sat down, asked me what I was up to, laughed when I mentioned the amusement park. The man reminded me of the charges and read out one of the victim statements. I cringed, he laughed once. Ashamed of how pathetic I was. Agreed there was no wriggling out of this so we’re pleading guilty at the pre-trial thing on the 28th of AUGUST. There won’t be a trial since I am likely to get “hammered”.
Disappointed my brief hadn’t actually read my blog or posts, few errors he made that I’m not happy about such as thinking I was banned from using the internet but ultimately it matters very little, fucked up enough that the spots where I’m innocent are irrelevant. Just upset that my actions and intentions are being misunderstood. He asked a few questions, such as how the uni is treating me, presumably he will argue I’ve been punished enough.
I didn’t have any questions in my head when I went out to see him, so I didn’t ask much, such as the gameplan or what of we did go to trial. Spent most of the hour reading the statements, illuminating, what they thought of me and how things played out.
“I was just trying to be nice”
“We were never friends”
“I don’t think he had a girlfriend”
“I never saw him speak to anyone”
“He didn’t seem to have any friends” – both girls
The roommate seemed to have been pushed into it, (partially by me) just considered me a nuisance. Can’t go into any details about the other one here but again it’s interesting to know how seriously people take little games others play. Unhappy despite her short obsession with me at no point did she seem to feel any fondness from me, I believe I was originally very complimentary to her, placed her on a pedestal, bombarding her with praise. Being an obsessive stalker alone should be flattering, it’s just another way of saying ‘cuck’.
Getting a fine. Hoping the fact I’ll be unemployed at the end of the month will factor. Got a little aggressive with the solicitor and apologised. Will schedule another meeting and ask for details on our plea and to read the statements again, I am not allowed copies, loved reading them though, it was a substitute for actually interacting with the girls.
What I want above all else is understanding. Unfortunately though I can’t vocalise myself well enough as I’m unsure of parts of the narrative myself, get a little hooked on them, brief asked if I was obsessed and I said it was a gimmick, I don’t even know the truth anymore. Probably ashamed of being so pathetic (obsessed), would rather be malicious (gimmick). Getting community service instead of a fine would also be preferable, money is worth more to me than time.
Still using pissbottles.
Hoping I’ll be allowed to contact the girls and clear the air after this is over.
Reminder this is all fiction and doesn’t refer to real people or events.
I’m not sad or angry. I’m confused and unfulfilled.