I like Polish people and I like my job

Gotta be careful, don’t know who is reading.

Started working in the arcade today, shift started at 4pm, didn’t do anything notable before then. Roommate was rattling about so I used a pissbottle. Bought a single bus ticket, student card expires tomorrow, need to spend more on travel now. Shaved, think I look better with a light beard but being clean shaven feels better. Chinese Chad knocked on the bathroom door while I was shaving, I said “shaving”, he replied he only needed to wash his hands, I opened the door but he was going down to use the kitchen sink, I thought his laugh was nervous.

Arrived at the arcade area of the park, went up to the desk and noticed the two oldest workers from the park, probably shouldn’t be surprised they also put in hours at the arcade, they’re full adults after all. Both generally pleasant guys. Stressed repeatedly that the job requires me to speak over the radio, I think rather than having read my blog, they heard stuff from others regarding the pants wetting. Got shown around the gambling area of the arcade quickly, told what my responsibilities were: dispense change, clean machines but most importantly don’t let kids into the area and otherwise follow the gambling licensing regulations.

Had to read a document and do a quiz presided over by a manager, fucked it up, thought I could get by with the usual “call a manager/maintenance” to the questions. Sweated, frustrated body language, must have looked pathetic. Was asked to call over the guy who trained me, bit of confusion, I didn’t know what I was expected to do, looked an idiot again.

I just got left to it after that. Wonder around the place a little, not very busy so there isn’t much to do, the customers who are there can take care of themselves, I’m only there for the sake of fulfilling legal obligations, need some mechanism to keep kids away. I liked it, even though there wasn’t much to do, time seemed to fly by, likely because I didn’t feel any pressure or stress, there are very few colleagues I needed to familiarise myself with. I could dispense free drinks from a machine, I tried a hot chocolate, vanilla latte and a couple of waters, helped keep energy up, no need for the bathroom though which is good, a sign of my comfort in the role, I’m sure.

Eastern Euro from the park works behind the bar, exchanged smiles. Quite a few other Poles working indoors too, can’t fault the managers, work here was offered to the British park workers. My supervisor is Polish, looks young, he was friendly and smiley, tried to make conversation. Another guy, maintenance, seen him around often, similar age to myself, had a 5 minute conversation with me despite having no reason to be anywhere near me, just general work stuff was what we spoke of. Asked a maintenance guy if I was reporting faults too often, he said it was fine. Everyone is friendly, want to be able to give something back as usual, don’t know how.

This job is kinda like security work.

Depressing seeing people lose at games, particularly the claw machine or pouring over £100 into one of the traps. Think over half the customers were Poles, some didn’t even speak English.

Enjoyed walking the dead silent dark streets to the bus stop, weather didn’t force me to sweat and nobody watching me, I was all alone and comfortable that way. Got home at midnight.

Things will get better now, I think

Think the cunts at work are still able to read this so I deleted one of the users who requested access, thought they were a bit suspicious. Didn’t talk to anyone at work, no one gave me any aggro, good, I suppose, still no closer to solving the mystery of who found my blog, I didn’t really want to ask around anyway, shouldn’t prod the bear. The female supervisor is still being nice to me, she’s nice to everyone, even customers. Feel like shit since I can’t express how much I appreciate it, I’m not even responding when she speaks to me more than half the time.

Saw a guy from work who one would generally consider to be unattractive, walking into town with a qt. Confusing and maddening, wonder if I was ever in with a shot at playing this game.

Golf qt has brown hair now.

6 and a half hour shifts without a break are hellish, glad I’m only at the park on weekends now, bit of time to unwind now as Arcade shifts start later in the day. More glad I will have even more limited interaction with the park staff.

10 wins in the Arena on Hearthstone.

Still not heard from uni. My friend didn’t reply to my reply to his reply, odd since it was a direct question.

This is my private space, stop reading what you know you won’t like

Approached by a manager type guy who I hadn’t seen before, he gave me some hours in the gambling area for next week while the park is shut. Apparently I’m the only park worker looking for a more work to cover the lost time. He assumed I was a foreign national, offended but he later apologised, good of him. Asked about uni, I visibly sweated,   was uncomfortable being put on the spot. I’ll be working until near midnight.

Black guy asked about my blog, said that he’d like to read it. Alarm bells went off but we were near the manager so I just wanted to end the conversation quickly. He asked what it was about, I responded with a decent display of wit, ‘current affairs’. Told him the thing was private and that was that. Nice guy, probably wouldn’t mind if he read it.

My blog was read by coworkers again. The hostile female who I referred to as a ‘chav pig’ confronted me alone, told me to insult her to her face. I sighed, asked why she was still reading the thing. Told me she had been tipped off by someone else. It’s bizarre, this drama was over a month ago, I don’t believe someone was checking it daily, waiting for me to slip up and leave it public, I don’t believe any of them would care so much. At least now I have an excuse to make enquires and root out the rat who found my blog and shared it.

I stood my ground against her, raised my voice, told her I didn’t care when she repeatedly accused me of just being jealous, I don’t think I let her finish her thought, probably was going to go on and say “having friends”. Bit of an exchange about the disclaimer. The argument I should’ve used from the off was that I used a derogatory term to refer to her back when she was being a bitch to me.

Another female, one who always made sure to greet me broke it up, told us both to knock it off. Hate that I’ve not acted in a way to justify the kindness shown to me.

My clocking in card was vandalised.

Friend replied, invited me for a catchup and a smoke. Bit anxious about it.

Detective replied, I’ll know when he knows.

No reply from the university principal.

No reply from my solicitor. Think he’s finished with me.

Felt down yesterday, normal again now.

Relief that I’ll still have an income, maybe even a bit of the disposable kind.

Worried about the blog being an issue at work again.

Guilty

Got to the court at 10am as I was told to by my solicitor, waited in a corridor for near 1 hour before I was called in. It was a tiny room, called an intermediate diet court, I believe, didn’t take much of a look at the audience. Stood up where I was told to, answered “yeah” and “yeah, that’s correct” when asked if I plead guilty to the charges. The judge was female, the prosecutor seemed poor (not a confident voice, sentences not we constructed), I was told to sit while the prosecutor summarised the victim statements, I was embarrassed, taking abut Facebook friend request, fake accounts and only speaking to my roommate a handful of times was pathetic, I looked down and out the window, cringing, bowing my head low, at some points I felt a bit of a need to smile, don’t know why and don’t know if I resisted. The prosecutor mentioned I sent one victim an apology, he seemed confused after he read that out, he was likely hoping to finish on a stronger note regarding how I caused fear/alarm. Just like at the bail hearing, it was mentioned that I considered my actions to be ‘harmless’, a comment taken out of context from the police interview.

My solicitors turn now, he started off by mentioning I got suspended from uni in my 3rd year, I spoke up to correct him. The few faces I could see in the court were amused, my briefs confidence appeared to take a dive, judge asked him for clarification. He went on to say I was sorry, I’m very isolated in this city, my family although supportive don’t condone my behavior and that my job pays poorly. Said he’d accept a level 1 community order (100 hours unpaid work).

Judge slapped me with a £300 fine, explained it would have been £400 if I had gone to trial, really fucking regret the dates didn’t line up better for me, going to hate myself if it doesn’t pay off. Solicitor turned to me and simplified what the judge had said “Can you manage £10 a week?” while smiling. This was considered a ‘win’ for him. That was that, over swiftly, I asked if I could leave while pointing to the door, was told I could, struggled with the handle before changing hands. A guy caught me as I was leaving with a form regarding my income, I handed it to the reception and left.

After leaving I realised I should have waited from my solicitor to ask him followup questions such as the return of my electronic devices and if I need to do anything more to pay off the fine. I texted him but no reply.

Emailed the uni principal.

Texted my friend, no reply from him, not sure what I even want from him.

Stomach has been feeling upset all day. Feel strange now, I think the feeling is similar to worry, it’s unpleasant and the worst I’ve felt in a while. I probably feel this way because I’m uncertain of the future, I don’t like that. Before I knew the next stop was the trial, anything else was further off and I didn’t need to entertain thoughts of it at the time, don’t know where to go from here or what’s coming. If I don’t get the laptop back I could see the coppers coming for me again.

Poles do have that BBQ in town again.

Almost at the end and I still don’t care

Understaffed at work, had to travel between the two rides I’m trained to operate throughout the day. Felt good, like I was useful. Fewer people around now, cliques are smaller to non existent, much more comfortable, we’re all on the same level.

The operations director came to see me regarding the rota for the next week/month. I was puzzled by this as the park is only open on weekends during September. Turns out I misunderstood, he was offering me work in the arcade during weekdays, I would take this, I could do with the money, maybe get a little more than just rent, though I do need a break at some point to unwind. He asked about my availability, took some guesses regarding uni, he could see I was confused so left me and said he’d check back in on me later in the day.

Was supposed to go back and forth between the two rides every half an hour. One ride was dead and there were a few people who wanted to get on the other ride before I shut it, so I held off my commute by 10 minutes. Saw the ops director going to the other ride, realising I wasn’t there and looking mad. This is bad, he thought I was one of the more competent workers at the park. Didn’t hear back from him regarding the hours in the arcade.

Think a guy was angry at me for not helping out pulling the cover over the bouncy castle when it started raining, he looked mad but that’s how he usually looks, I was legitimately preoccupied though.

Gotta text my friend, ask to hangout tomorrow after my time in court, don’t really want or need to but it’s just what I’m supposed to do. Not anxious or interested in the trial at all, nothing I can do but take what is dished out.

Mum called, said she and my sister were planning on travelling up to where I am tomorrow. I asked why and she suggested it was to offer support. Disgusted to hear this, I told her that I didn’t need her, she then responded that I would be all alone, told her this wasn’t true, I had friends and I am fine. The dunce hadn’t even looked at hotels, didn’t know that it would be difficult to get a room at such short notice or the cost. I have always overcome hardship and tricky situations on my own, I didn’t need her in the past and I don’t need her now, not that she is even capable of offering support, we have never spoken about our emotions, her only accomplishment regarding my upbringing is keeping me alive. Proposed that instead of visiting me she look for a job instead, her response was to ask me about my financial situation and offer to send me money. I wouldn’t accept bennies directly or indirectly. Useless woman, either looking for drama or can’t stand the sudden realisation that I’ve flown the nest.

Bought train tickets to go back home 21-25th September for Eid. £73.30.

Accidentally left my blog public for the day.

Some kind of international culture festival in the City centre, Polish lot last time did BBQ.

Uni starts 29th September. Looking at the timetable of classes was upsetting, not sure why.

Been buying bus tickets day to day since Tuesday since I don’t know if a bus pass is worth the investment. Bitch bus driver didn’t open the doors for me.

Looking forward to getting my laptop back.

It’ll all be over soon

Emailed the principal of the university, told him my situation, requested details on the misconduct hearing. He was polite in his response but asked me to contact him again after the legal proceedings. I got the feeling that he is not planning on letting me back in and won’t be fair and just in applying the misconduct procedure. Whatever happens will happen and my response will be exactly what should be expected.

Had to spend 4 hours at work training the lying Irish shit who shared my blog. He was pleasant, hard to maintain my dislike for him as he is nice enough to my face. Female colleague told me to smile, I couldn’t. Say “Hi” to a colleague, he didn’t smile, felt upset, probably how I make others feel. Park is still Jewwing me, only got paid for 4 hours yesterday. Think the Eastern Euro guy is Russian.

After this week, I will only be working weekends, will have the legal stuff finished and possibly know if I’ll be back at uni, I’ll be reborn, get to play the game again after being in stasis for the last 5 months. I’ll do better this time.

Found my bowl staring at me in pieces laying in the bin, it has noodles on its body, so I know it was that filthy chink who used and broke my bowl. There’s no excuse for this behaviour, there are other bowls, he owns his own bowls. Too late to do anything about it now, don’t feel like taking revenge.

Chad has been using my plate, I did think about destroying it as he was using it more often than myself.

Chips and gravy for dinner.

Bought socks, used to have a lot, must have left them at the old flat.

Losing interest in Hearthstone since buying the last wing as my goals are less clear now.

Thanks, brother

Bit of Hearthstone before work, had to wait an hour between my shower and eating breakfast as someone was in the kitchen. Spent a good few minutes counting change for the bus, thought I had exact but ended up with about £1 after I’d counted it again on the bus. Leaning towards thinking I inadvertantly underpaid the driver.

Off the bus and walking to the park I noticed my black coworker talking to the Indian guy who allegedly shared my blog, they were standing outside the animals residence. I approached them, looked the filth in the eyes and asked “Did you share my blog?”. He looked either puzzled or panicked and responded with “What?”, I waved him off while cussing and stormed away. Black guy laughed awkwardly.

Impossible or at least embarrassing to find out who found and shared my blog at work. People can just deny it, point to others and I can’t call them out on it since I have no proof, just ‘he says, she says’ playground bullshit. I don’t known who it was and I can’t ever find out. Would have done better in the police interview if I’d realised this sooner.

Dead at work, don’t know who the park is open for at this time. Owners kid noticed me not doing anything or that I was bored, in a friendly manner he handed me a brush and assigned me the task of cleaning my ride. It was something to do so I welcomed it. Pretty sure he’s being nice to me because I’m the only one who can operate the ride so he can’t risk scaring me away.

Heard a guy yelling at me, though he was enquiring about the ride, wasn’t the ‘boats’ he was asking about though, it was my blog. Asking why I’d taken it down. I’d encountered him once before, it was at McDonald’s, he was in a group with the skinny white Muslim girl, was very chatty, friendly, warm, encouraging and charismatic. Don’t believe that at the time he knew about the blog, he found it through the girl, doesn’t post on 4chan, familiar with reddit, said he left some comments about boxing, try and get me to have a normal conversation.
Anyway, so here he was (Along with a female who he claimed was his sister), he talked at me for a lengthy period of time, gave me advice and summarised it himself as “get your shit together”. It was a pep talk, he was supportive, said he thought I was a good guy. Found it difficult to talk to him and talk clearly, wasn’t even looking in his direction most of the time, he must have been so disappointed. The man was the closest to a Chad I’ve seen with my own eyes, perfect height, built, booming voice, limitless confidence, talented speaker, etc.

Asked what I’d refer to him as on my blog, said “Paki Chad”. Told me “Paki isn’t close to what I am”. Light skinned but I couldn’t bring myself to say “Everyone brown in a paki”

His advice

  • Travel
    Don’t join ISIS
    Don’t marry a freshie (Paki from Pakiland)
    Keep busy, devil makes work for idle hands (I am doing this right now with work)
    All pussy is the same – lose your virginity
    Go to the gym, learn jujitsu or something
    Finish uni
    Get an SIA card

I cringed a few times when he brought up race, I feel uncomfortable discussing that. When telling me all females are the same and I’ll learn that after I got laid, I said that I didn’t see colour, he told me to fuck off.

Chastised me for coming up with excuses about being too busy to do more. He agreed that the Polish girl was a bitch. Couldn’t relate to the piss stuff. Even the shit I did say wasn’t well formed, I might have been too anxious, couldn’t get the words out of my mouth right.

Really appreciated him coming out to find me and encourage me, hate myself for not showing it and not getting the most out of the interaction.

After speaking to him I can say with absolute certainty that I consider myself Muslim, being a brother, he was more familiar with me and went further than others in this city who have read my postings. Ah, shit, forgot about my friend, he did more for me than anyone, he’s a leftist but I don’t feel a desire to lean that way. Fuck, I’m confused, I’ll try to be more like both of them.

At home I played some more Hearthstone, Chinese Chad showed me the utility bill, I owe £75.70, for the 2 month period, I assume. Proof that my hapa ex-roommate/landlord fucked me over, hope I’ll be able to snatch his licence from him when I get around to that small claims court thing.

Ate ASDA tortilla chips with ASDA dip. Had a jacket potato later too.