Work is pain, freedom is pain

Roommates left before me, playing badminton, Chad asked if I was home, Chinese Chad said I should be. Wonder what he had on his mind. Probably just heard me rattling.

Park is only open for 4 hours on weekdays now. Got on the bus at 12 and bought a new bus pass. Got a call from work shortly after saying the park wouldn’t be opening today due to the rain. Displeased I wasted money, should have been told earlier.

Went into town anyway, used library computers for a bit, nice to use one when I’ve been stuck on a tablet these last few months. I pissed myself, the back of my pants and the chair were wet, I don’t think I tried as hard as I could to hold it, it felt impossible. Used a public lavatory soon after. Went to ASDA, fire alarm went off, saw the McDonald’s franchise owner, didn’t have the nerve to fuck with him. Wanted to pat him on the back and cock my finger like a gun while winking. Walked past the McDonalds, wore my park uniform so hopefully people thought I had something going on. Felt like they were looking at me.

Pissed myself again walking home, not sure if I didn’t try or legitimately lacked control. At home I relieved myself with a bottle, worrying I possibly use bottles more often than the house toilet. Over 10 bottles lined up. Need to go to the GP.

Ate a multipack of McCoy’s. Then 2 microwaved cheese sandwiches and one regular cheese sandwich. None of it really tasted of anything. Roommate cooked a chicken stuffed with stuff, couldn’t imagine doing something like that myself.

The free time and silence has been agony, my head hurts, I try not to think of anything but that is just as unpleasant as evaluating my situation. Want to shut off, there is nothing I genuinely want in this life other than peace. Would rather die in my sleep than have revenge.

Enjoying fooling around with Fantasy Premier League.

Drank a cider, bit of a buzz. Not enough to feel good.

Girl at the park yesterday called me awkward when I tried bantering with her.

My room smells foul.


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