15 minutes are up

Didn’t get out of bed until 11, latest since June. Still masturbating before arising, it’s a pretty specific fantasy I have, nothing else can get me there, it’s what I’ve been using for months, too ashamed/embarrassed to put it down here in writing before but after realising it doesn’t really matter at this point, it won’t change any perceptions. I masturbate to thoughts of sis-dom, femdom stuff involving my sister, sometimes another brown female, can’t masturbate while thinking of white women, I try but it’s a non starter, try to finish on it though. Want to normalise my sexual desires.

Roommates got up later than me and went go the university gym to play badminton. Made no difference to me, ate my cereal, shitposted and played Hearthstone. Roommates got back, heard them chat for a while before leaving my room under the guise if wanting to fill my mug with water. I wanted to tell them I’m working late hours at the arcade now, I was able to, there were some followup questions but then the conversation moved on so I left. Thought Chad looked surprised to see me.

My student card has now expired, bought a week long bus pass for £18, 3 hours work. Paid my share of the utilities bill at the bank before getting into work.

Polish guy winked and gave me a thumbs up when he passed above me, I loved it, that’s the truth. Fucked up my response though, I gave a weird waist high thumbs up back, forgot to even smile. I should have waved or something, returning the same gesture is no better than a “You too!”. He have me a wink at the end of the day too, bit of friendly enquiries about my working hours, I didn’t give him anything to work with, wasn’t quick enough, treated it like a Q&A session. I told him I needed to check the rota as I didn’t get a copy, he watched me find my name and then needlessly checked his own hours so I would know his name too. I don’t understand why he is so warm.

Old guy at the change desk made conversation with me during our run ins, talked about guys winning big and how it was quiet tonight. I said it was getting busier and £500 in pound coins was “insane”. Gave me a thumbs up on the way out. I like him.

Another guy from the park encountered me at the start of the day, spoke about the free drinks dispenser, he said the drinks were of poor quality, I said I’d drink anything if it’s free, he said “even piss?”, I stopped talking, didn’t know if it was a reference to here or just an undignified regular joke. He walked away and told me we’d talk again later, we did not. He hasn’t read this, wanted to, just heard word of mouth.

Customers are no hassle, they’ve all been upbeat so far. Polish female helped me with pouring drinks. Golf kiosk girl was moving bin bags while wearing regular clothes, she has brown hair now, bit plain.

Got told to leave around 10.50, loitered for 10 minutes before clocking out for the sake of receiving fair pay.

No sandwiches left in ASDA for my lunch break so I tried hummus and pitta bread but couldn’t get the microwave in the staff room to work.

At toast with a slice of microwave melted cheese before work.

Need to buy deodorant.

Uni principal has fobbed me off to “the school” who are now deciding how to progress. Dickhead said it was supposed to be a swift process. His name is Polish or Jewish, always suspected he had a bias towards the Polish girls.

Room still smells strange, will try washing bedding again.

Not happy about my efame eroding, unsurprisingly, I’m just a regular guy now, working a simple zero-hours job trying to pay the rent, used to feel that if my day/life had been shit at least I could talk about it with people, get some laughs, there was a silver lining, feel down, empty, feeling a lack of direction but I don’t think I’ll slip back to how I was in 2014 and early 2015, I won’t ever feel that isolated or useless again.

Regarding my feelings, things are now moving towards or are at what should be ‘normal’ for me for the foreseeable future and I need to learn to be okay with that.

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