I don’t like feeling like this, I don’t want to feel like this, it’s not my fault

I went to sleep late last night so I stayed in bed for a while today, heard my roommates leave for badminton, got up a little after that. Ate cereal, put my urine soaked clothes into the washing machine and then vacuumed my room, the hallway and the kitchen. I felt much more comfortable being in a clean room, I can see the carpet now, I’m going to be here for a few more days now so comfort is top priority. I cleaned the shared living areas so my roommates wouldn’t hold negative attitudes towards me.

Checked Facebook for the first time in months, I don’t know why, it was just something to do to kill time. What I saw infuriated me, the Polish girls are now friends, it was a very recent thing too. I’m the only thing that bonds them so they must have added each other to talk about me. I felt anger because I wanted a relationship with the two of them but my actions have instead formed a relationship between the two females, it’s worse than a regular case of people having what I want, it’s as if they’re mocking me.

This ruined my whole day, I can’t help but wonder what words they exchange, what they’re up to, it’s not a stalker thing or a sexual thing, they’re just people I’m interested in d want to know more about, like when I was a kid, I’d want to know about the personal lives and behaviours of pro-wrestlers. I know they’re talking about me, it’s the only thing they can talk about, are they celebrating how they hurt me, seemingly knocked me down? Or are they talking of regrets? Perhaps they are suggesting how to spend their £20 victims surcharge? Do they even know there isn’t going to be a trial? 

I was angry at them, white hot anger, but it has weakened over time, now I’m just pathetically obsessed again. Looking at the accounts or pics again might bring back the anger, it’s better to feel rage, I feel as if I can at least act on that and get the corresponding closure. Being obsessed has no happy ending. I really can’t take the idea that they won, I lost and this is all over. Really needed that job to keep myself busy, soon as I had an overabundance of free time, I naturally dedicated a few minutes to checking in on them. Going to try begging to have it back.

Least I’m in their heads, that’s good.

Played Hearthstone on and off for most of the day, like most days, got to rank 9, I’m pleased with that.

Friend texted to ask if we’re cool, I said we were, he understood I was upset so I guess he doesn’t hate me.

Emailed detective to ask how much protection my disclaimer offers me. Couldn’t find the right words to ask if I can contact either of the girls.

Lost my appetite after my discovery, only had the potato after breakfast. Not hungry at all. Was able to grab it when my roommates went out for the second time. Roommates talk often, multiple times daily, not used to this, usually my roommates would rarely chat.

Started pissing out the window, did it 3 times, much tidier than using bottles. Bit worried about roommates seeing me from above.

Spent almost the entire day wearing nothing but my boxers, can’t be comfy while wearing clothes.

Started watching anime again, picked two shows I thought I might be able to relate to, dropped Denpa Kyoushi quickly after realising it wasn’t going to linger on NEETdom. The other show however was exactly what I needed, Prison School, peeping on girls in the shower, suspension from classes, femdom, it was as if the show was made for me.


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