Back on DNP

I desperately want to get under 130lbs as soon as I can and I’ve done more reading on DNP and it’s not dangerous in low doses over long periods of time, I can take the 25 pills I have for the next 25 days and I won’t die but I will lose significant weight, I’ll get under 140lbs with 100% certainly and getting under 130lbs in that time is also guaranteed if I eat appropriately and what I read about water weight post-DNP is correct.

The laser clinic always asks if there has been a change to my medication, I always say no, it’s easier than explaining but yesterday I did plan on coming clean as it would make them the first people I ever came out to as trans but I chickened out. Stayed indoors today and hid away from the light due to laser but that’s something I do anyway. Face looks like it’s set to see a significant reduction and fortunately no burns seem to be developing.

Searching the house for a spare power took me to my sisters bedroom, noted her epilator lying about, it had fewer tweezer heads than mine and that she was using an extension to lessen pain.

Bought a £50 Kodi box and I set it up today, watched the Everton/Palace game in the background. Got a tonne of (you)s on /sp/ and /int/ posting a pic of my setup watching the game. Fairly active thread of mine on /fit/ got deleted again when I got banned (again) though.

Back to playing Dragon Quest.

Uni says they’ll send a letter to me next week.

Gonna stay up until 11pm so I can claim my seasonal Hearthstone rewards tonight.

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Laser day, yay!…oh wait

Today was my 4th appointment at the laser place, I’m in the process of having my facial hair removed. It’s gone alright so far, upper lip is mostly clear, might seem strange but it’s just because it’s one of the lighter skinned parts of my face, lost a bit of the cheeks but that’s it. They’re using very low settings because they’re afraid of burning me like they did during the first patch test.

Travel was fine, downloaded some music (Marilyn Manson, Tech N9ne, Jay-Z and Skillet, not into music but I thought I might like this lot based on a single I’d heard from each of them), would make a change from just looking out of the window and fantasising, ended up just listening to the songs I already knew I liked. School, uni, sixth form, all of that was back in session and the young women were certainly triggering my dysphoria.

It was incredibly windy today and my hair was a mess by the time I entered the building, the technician on duty today was one of the older, more experiences women, glad to see this. I had initially planned to ask them to increase the settings of the laser but I didn’t have to, she asked about reduction and if I thought I could handle the pain, I confirmed in a heart beat, I want progress. Popped one paracetamol before I arrived but it clearly wasn’t enough, at its worst, I cannot imagine a more painful experience than laser, the scary thing is that this still isn’t even the highest setting. Had to take a few breaks (during the process of hitting the area under my chin/above my neck and my eyes watered when we finished up with my upper lip), she often commented on how dark my skin was in areas, it is a legitimate issue but it felt insulting, just the way she said it I suppose.

Something that got me stressed out to an unhealthy level though is hearing that parts of my facial skin have become darker due to shaving (for so long?). This is hyperpigmentation and not uncommon in darker skinned people and the solution sounds vein but it’s completely normal – skin lightening cream. Yeah, hate that it’s something pakis use just because but I have a legitimate reason to use it and I don’t want lighter skin, I just want to even out my skin and return certain areas back to their original shade. I believe it’s the area beneath my chin and above my neck that’s most effected. Bought the fanciest cream I could find, £50. Might also buy some lemon juice. Hydroquinone is banned in Europe but easy enough to get a hold of (UnitedPharmacies), I’ll have to try that if the safe/clean options fail me.

Technician was friendly, all the women here are but I was made uncomfortable when asked about my employment status, lied about being an Accounts Assistant and that I get Thursdays/Fridays off, probably knows I’m lying. Next appointment, 4 weeks from now, as usual.

Once I got back home, I had around 7 hours left before I would go to sleep, I ate within my limits which I consider commendable due to all that time with nothing to do other than research the condition afflicting my skin, play a little Hearthstone and shitpost.

Read cape comics near the end of the day but I’m still not enjoying anything.

Irish poster on /britfeel/ was nice to me, that was nice.

The bastard strikes again

I had a cold during the start of the day, woke up around 10 because I had a driving lesson at 11:30am, ate porridge and a banana. 11:30am came and went but I hadn’t received a text message from my instructor telling me he was waiting outside, not shocking since he’s always a little late, regardless I decided to go outside and check if he was there, he was. So I sauntered off towards his vehicle but when I approached, I noticed that my brother was seated alongside my instructor, I just assumed that his lesson was over and mine was beginning.

I was asked, what was up and I said it was time for me lesson, he said it was 2pm and showed me his appointments book, I kept mumbling something about him having texted me that the lesson was at 11:30am (couldn’t prove it due to installing the custom rom deleted my texts), not that it mattered, I shouldn’t have spoken like that, just laughed it off and said “silly me!”. He was nice about it, all smiles, felt like an idiot, when I couldn’t hold off the negativity I would repeat out loud somewhat random words and some mean words, not sure if they are directed towards myself or others.

Today was also a day where my father decided to be a bastard again, not that he can help it, he wanted me to go to the Post Office to pay the water bill but I told him to fuck off, I hadn’t forgotten the shit he said a couple days ago. He then launched into another tirade before calming down and pretending to be nice again, the vermin actually had the nerve to ask me for the favour again after having viciously insulted me minutes ago. I told him to fuck off again and that was that.

The driving lesson went fine, another test route, I need to slow down sooner before reaching roundabouts and stuff. Kept thinking about how my father called me stupid for not having passed my driving test yet, another thing I hate about my father and I suppose my mother too is that for years they pushed me to start taking driving lessons but they never asked or understand WHY I was so reluctant to start, they don’t understand my crippling anxiety, fear of failure and fear of anything new. My mother thinkings it shyness at best and my father thinks it laziness.

Played some Hearthstone, going to use a deck tracker now, regret not using one earlier, it’s nice to keep track of my stats.

Watched WWE Smackdown, more in the background than anything, as usual.

Cancelled my order on that box.

Laser appointment tomorrow, need to shave tonight.

Went to ASDA to buy some soup, saw my sister in the park as I passed, she was on the swings.

No reply from the uni, I’ll press them tomorrow.

Still losing hair, could be stress or poor circulation.

Going to start DNP again next week, read that I don’t really need much of a break and if I eat loads of carbs I can lose everything I want to.

Not sure what I did today

Down to 148.75lbs, not bad, 3 pounds in 5 days, better than regular dieting. No DNP today, my cycle is over, 8 days recovery is what I hear. Might lose some more but I might not since today my mother was pushing food in front of me, she seems to derive value from supplying for her family, it would be cruel to decline her meals though I have tried, she is particularly forceful with me because she knows I am trying to lose weight.

All heroes on Hearthstone now have 420+ wins, made a Rogue decks that’s both playable and fun. Grinding gold now for the next expansion, got over 1000 currently, I image I could have around 7000 by release time, so that’s 70 packs. I might try playing Heroes of the Storm again, I just want something to fill up my days, I don’t know why but my interest in Dragon Quest has gone from low to zero, I will obviously pick it up again having completed every other English release in the series.

I didn’t encounter my dad at all today, so that’s great.

Finished downloading all the Millennium series Godzilla films, not sure if I’ll watch them though.

Want to buy female clothes but I think it would be better to get to the weight I want first but also for financial reasons, I need to manage my money better, got my bennies just yesterday, a little over £130 but I spent £100 today on a KODI box, trying to cancel that purchase.

WWE Raw sucked.

Die, you paki bastard, die

I was right about my father asking me for a favour soon, it happened the very first interaction we had today. The worthless paki can’t speak English so he wanted me to “help” him fill out some insurance claim forms. He said we don’t need to do it right now, we’ll do it at night when he’s back from work or wherever it that he fucks off, he thinks that by delaying a demand by 12 hours that he is being nice. He doesn’t know what nice is, he just speaks softly in order to get what he wants and he shows his true colours when he’s told to fuck off and that’s precisely what I did, I don’t mind filling out his forms too much, what I mind is spending time with him, every word out of his mouth is disgusting. I hate that he’s been in this country for 20+ years and can’t speak English, I hate that there are many other people in this country just like him and I hate that they keep coming and are allowed in.

Because I didn’t completely keel over to his specific demands, he started verbally abusing me for about 20 minutes, he’s a complete monster, it’s not a nasty word here or there, it’s a continuous stream of filth and cruel criticism. I would never speak this way to or about another human being, I wouldn’t even do so on posts here or on 4chan…unless that person was scum like my father.

Most of the shit he said, flew over my head since I don’t understand that animal tongue he speaks but the faces he makes and tone he speaks in are still unsettling. However of what he did say, what I did understand were his demands that I get a haircut, said that he’d pay (because to pakis that’s all that they understand, money, it’s the only value they have, the importance of wealth), I told him “no”, that I was growing out my hair and that I liked it as it was, then he called my gypsy, called me stupid, called me a dog, a dickhead, a bastard etc.

Then he went on about how I never leave the house and that I spend all day and night playing video games (This didn’t seem to bother him when I was younger but that’s because he only realised I existed when I turned 18, apparently he said to my mother “you look after them when they’re kids, I’ll take them when they’re grown up” – pakis everyone). Also raved about me getting a job when he was trying to lure me back home when I was employed back in my uni city, noted how my brother got a part time job easily but I couldn’t achieve that in a year, I tried to explain that he’s a fucking taxi driver and has no idea what getting a job is actually like but he rebuffed it by pointing out the amount of money he makes (again, the only thing of value to these people).

He said to himself that he should take me to a doctor, find out what’s wrong with me, still treating me like a child, asking himself where he went wrong and asking me why it is that I’m flipping out now and what my problem is because according to him we’re wealthy. The only thing that’s changed is that I understand that this situation isn’t normal, pakis don’t know what it means to be parents, children are just tool, they’re translators, sources of wealth, status symbols, I wish that I had a proper father, someone who could speak the same language as me and would of at some point in his life asked how I’m feeling or given me a hug.

Last few titbits, he wanted to know my uni situation, I told him, using English words a 3 year old would consider advanced, he didn’t understand, so I just kept repeating the same phrase and it kept confusing and agitating him. Eventually dropped in one word he could understand and he latched onto that and kept asking for confirmation. Asked why I hadn’t booked a driving test yet, truth is I thought I needed my instructor to tell me to do so, I just said that I didn’t think I would pass, which is true, then he called me stupid some more. As he was leaving he started smoking in the house, he knows we hate that, he did it all the time as we were growing up, I wonder how black my lungs are?, he also kept asking where he should put the insurance forms, I said that I didn’t care but he wanted me to look at him place the forms down and answer his questions with “yes”, that’s demeaning so I refused to do it, it also wound him up and he just took the forms with him.

oh, and he still wants me to get married but I’m not spineless like my mother and her siblings (and most pakis in this country), I’m not going along with anything. Guess he’s not going to take the tranny thing well, can’t believe I deluded myself into thinking he’d be indifferent.

Also, my dad’s a fucking rapist and I was born from rape as were my siblings. I also resent my mother firstly for telling me that because telling that to your kids only fucks them up as there’s nothing we can do. Secondly my issue with her is that she fucking stayed with him, she could have left, she could have reported him to the police, she could have stopped from entering the country or even had him removed but instead she stayed with him, grew bitter and took it out on her kids. He doesn’t rape or abuse her any more, hasn’t for 15+ years (the age of my youngest siblings), they never even slept in the same room for as long as I can remember. If I ever did kill myself, I’d have to kill him too, it would be irresponsible to let him live, glad I can type this since he can’t read English, I can’t be arrested for causing him fear or alarm, not that this should be taken seriously, it’s just a hypothetical, I’m not actually threatening to kill anyone.

Apart from that I played some Hearthstone, played a different deck and was able to have fun (and win) again, went with Renolock.

Went to the JobCentre, signed on, took less than 5 minutes, just like usual, my work coach is trying to get me a work placement at the job centre, it’s going to suck but at least it will get me out of the house.

I’m at 149lbs, so I decided to take DNP again today. Conflicting information regarding whether it’s best to eat or not to eat wile on a DNP diet. So I got a burger meal on my way back home, carbs are the fuel that make the mitochondria work or something. I read most of the weight should come off later since I’m carrying a lot of water weight right now due to trying to avoid my body overheating.

Got some sympathy from a trip on /mtfg/ which was nice.

Watched the WWE PPV, it wasn’t good.

Also, I do get how pathetic this is, a 25 year old, bitching about their father.

Daddy’s home

Dad arrived back home from Pakistan towards the end of the day, had a big smile on his face and wanted to shake my hand but he left my bedroom soon after realising that, as usual, I didn’t want to engage him in conversation, I wouldn’t ask him anything about his trip, he just asked some mundane stuff about how thinks were ticking over, I replied with one word answers. He left clearly upset and dejected. Almost felt bad for him.

I’ve gotten used to life without him around, hope he gives me space but I’m sure he’ll enter my room at least once a day and ask for a favour once a week.

4th day of DNP and I can finally feel it working, my stomach keeps screaming for food despite me having eaten almost adequately. Not taking any until Thursday/Friday now, safety first, I 4 day was rec’d for the first cycle on the guide I found and I have stressful stuff coming up, Job Centre on Monday, driving lesson on Wednesday and laser on Thursday, might even have the uni disciplinary on Friday though I’ll ask them to push it back. Also went back to eating a cucumber to stave off hunger and keep me busy, only 50 calories and take a while to finish.

Got a better idea of how to get off Cypro for good now, going to take 12.5mg doses of Cypro every other day for about a month and 50mg Bica every day for a full month to build it up in my blood then get off Cypro and start taking Bica only once every other day (or maybe buy some more if I can spare the cash and keep going daily for a while longer).

Didn’t leave the house again. Not safe to on DNP anyway. Bit of comfy rain though.

Only 2 wins on Hearthstone today. Depressing but around this time I’m just waiting for the new season anyway.

Watched the Kalos League episodes of Pokemon, worst league, Unova was pretty bad too, I don’t have high hopes for the next one.

Will download the WWE PPV tomorrow, it’ll keep my occupied for a bit.

It’s probably not going to get better

I don’t really feel anything anymore, I don’t even know if it’s worth posting at this point. I just want each day to end as soon as possible with minimal interaction with other people. I know what days I have something to, like signing on once a fortnight and now laser once a month and driving lessons irregularly but the only thing I actually kinda look forward to is laser, there’s nothing else in my life though laser is a chore and hope for the day when I will need it no longer, so I guess I can say there is nothing positive in my life, just a few rare obligations. It would be nice to die right now, things aren’t good and there’s no guarantee that eventually I will turn a corner. Not my fault though, it took DOZENS of villainous scum to place me where I am now, any creature would be were I am now had they had that dedicated army of vermin gnawing away at them like I did.

Honestly, I’d have no complains if I were to just die in my sleep or the DNP would kill me, my sister is right, there’s no point to my existence, I can’t even achieve personal joy, nevermind providing a function use to society or another human being. Before I die though, it would be nice if the world knew how I had been abused by so many institutions, it’s not fair that they got away with it.

Had a dysphoria triggering dream/fantasy again, it was about me having transitioning back in high school, such a regret but it wasn’t possible, there wasn’t anyone for me to speak to.

415 wins with Rogue and Priest now, Hearthstone is just frustrating me having to play with weak decks against T1 decks.. Can’t wait until the season is over and I can ladder again, playing an infinite stream of Aggro Shamans seems pleasant compared to this right now.

Watched an episode of Pokemon (Japanese dub), I was quite comfy while doing so but I couldn’t bring myself to watch another. Also watched the first episode of a new show, Pitch, quite liked it, not surprised as I used to like Japanese Baseball shows.

Probably did under 1500 calories, would have been under 500 but mummy made a roast chicken dinner. The weight lose from DNP should become apparent in 2 weeks, based on what /fit/ told me, takes time to lose the water weight I’ve gained from constantly drinking to make sure I don’t die. Still not feeling anything physically and that’s supposed to be good since sweating and fatigue are actually signs that you’re at your limit.

MOTD with the lads on /sp/ should be fun, always good for a few (you)s and some of the posters actually seem to like me.

Epilated my chest and tummy, painful but it’s worth it, feel much more comfortable now.

Emailing detective if I can post my “Top 20 reasons I hate Pakis” list because I reckon, he’d do me for “Breach of the peace”.

My current daily regiment
>200mg DNP
>50mg Bicalutamide (every other day)
>6mg Progynova
>2.5mg Finasteride
>10mg Biotin

Might add Cypro, hear I need to wean myself off in order to avoid damage or send myself into adrenal crisis.