On this day, the Poleaboo Caliphate declares complete victory over the United Cuckdom of Police Scotland, Poland & Higher Education (alt title: Haven’t killed myself (yet))

I had to stop posting here because I was arrested again, accused of the same ridiculous non-crime as last time, “Making text posts on /r9k/ that caused fear and alarm after being passed around enough that they reached someone relevant”.

Still posting here now because it makes me feel better. Posting today because today is the day my bail expired, they had until yesterday to indict me.

Arrest

The difference this time was though that they didn’t even have enough evidence to charge me (because I dindu nuffin) but due to all the politicking (Polish consulate, the university, Police Scotland  and the Procurator Fiscal were all putting various pressures on each other), I was placed on bail for a period of 1 year while they “gathered evidence” (They had no intention of doing this because there was no crime, they just wanted to screw with me and placate everyone), during that period they also had to indict me. My bail conditions in addition to the usual were a sick joke, I was prohibited from using any device capable of accessing the internet. Absolutely barbaric. The internet is essential for everyone living in economically developed nations.

After I was released, I was delivered a letter by hand from the university notifying me that the disciplinary hearing would not be going ahead and that I was once again, suspended. the letter was handed by a grim looking elderly man and a younger man standing in the background looking displeased. I was certain they knew of the contents of the letter.

After that I decided to pretty much give up and go home, I picked myself up after the first arrest, I picked myself up after getting fired from McDonalds and I picked myself up after being fired from the amusement park but this was one knockback too many, the fight within me was gone and logically speaking, it would be easier to find someone to take my room before the academic year began. Chinese Chad was cool about it all, even travelled with me to the train station. He showed genuine sympathy when I told him what I had been fucked over by the pigs for, “This country(!)” was his response. He did end up screwing me a little on the deposit though.

Skipping ahead, I didn’t get indicted though everyone should stay the fuck away from pretty much all legal aid solicitors in Aberdeen, the solicitor I got at the firm I was with, repeatedly, told me plead guilty. I don’t know if it’s because she’s incompetent, because she knows she’s incompetent or because legal aid solicitors just want to get their legal aid cases done with minimum work to maximise profit but that’s just fucked up, I’m also considering that she was part of cabal that was working together to fuck me over.

 

September-December (Home & the Dole)

Parents and sibling were more disappointed then anything when I arrived home, no one was mad. The only major event during this period was that I starting signing on at the job centre, picked up around £110 a fortnight (Went up to over £130 later). No shame, it’s the least of what the state and the taxpayers owe me for constantly abusing and generally fucking me over. JobCentre isn’t spectacular, I’m always in and out in under 5 minutes. They know there are no jobs here. At the end of the day I’m the real winner, I’m getting paid for nothing while all the wagies are slaving away 9-5, selling their free time in order to pay my bennies.

The anti-depressants and beta-blockers I received from the GP before leaving, I threw them away without taking them once. I was going home, I wouldn’t need them anymore, I wouldn’t be in situations where I needed to cope. I never wanted meds anyway, they were just supposed to be a bandaid until I could get CBT.

 

January-May (Closure & Cutting)

I found a purpose in life during this period, helped the days flow faster, it was detective work, I got some answers, maybe I could call it closure. Still NEET and still signing on. Started buying shit to fill the void within me since the bennies were piling up, bought some headphones even though I don’t really listen to music.

My dad made me take driving lessons. The instructor is nice but I feel he takes advantage sometimes, rearranging and cancelling bookings. It’s going OK, learning test routes now, it’s just practice and repetition, I’ll master it eventually.

I started self-harming for a while, I gave it up when I no longer felt the need to do it anymore, I think it was when I found something else that could make me happy or soothe me (crossdressing).

Added a new page, full gallery of my cuts.

https://poleaboo.wordpress.com/cuts/

Here’s a pic of my arm now. Not a great pic, I’ll try to get something better up later. I do regret it, they’re hideous and I can’t wear t-shirts (alone) anymore though I was always a bit self conscious about that.

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June-September (DNP & HRT)

The present is much brighter, while I still am NEET and now 25, my bennies got bumped up to over £130 a fortnight. BREXIT made me happy, I struggle to remember much that pleased me more. What irritates me though is how slow the process of deportations and formally exiting the EU is.

Realised I had a problem with my weight, I was over 12 stone (over 170lbs). I’ve since been able to get under 11 stone (around 148lbs). Fiddled around with a few different types of diets but now I have discovered DNP. Not illegal to take, just risky, if you’re not careful, you’ll die, the results however are unmatched (or so I hear), I haven’t actually taken any yet, today will be my first day, if I die, I want people to know how it happened.

I did some introspection and while I always knew I had gender dysphoria, I finally decided to take action, I always thought I would never pass so I shouldn’t go through with transitioning but these feelings don’t go away and I don’t care anymore, I was going to kill myself pretty soon anyway but now I can delay it a bit. Started HRT on 28/06/16, a few days after my birthday, I’m self-medding, going through the NHS I would encounter gatekeeping and I don’t want to delay any more, that and my social anxiety is worse than ever, I only leave the house twice a week, a combination of JobCentre/driving lesson/takeaway/laser.

img_20160914_194958

HRT is going well, my testosterone is nuked and I feel all the better for it, I’m also probably irreversibly sterile which isn’t a big deal, not like I ever planned on fathering children. Labido is kill. I was never particularly interested in women and I had no interest in men but since starting HRT I have become attracted to the latter, it’s apparently not uncommon. Skin is softer, nipples are sensitive etc, the usual stuff 2 months in. Currently on 25mg Cypro, 6mg Progynova (was 4mg Estrofem but this was cheaper) and 5mg Finasteride. Went back down to 4mg E recently though since I heard some stuff about starting too high and developing “cone shaped breasts”, also some tranny made me feel bad for not getting a diagnosis so I’m also considering switching from Cypro to Bica, just in case I’m having some mental health episode, it can possibly preserve my fertility.

I’m also getting laser to remove my facial hair, had 3 sessions so far and it’s going adequately, can only take one session every 4 weeks, the process being so slow is killing me. Might switch to a clinic with a better laser, the one I’m at is using a LightSheer Duo, the Nd:YAG is supposedly much better for darker skin though.

e-and-t-levels

Took a blood test a week or two ago, couldn’t get enough from a finger tip prick so I had to slash the tip of my finger with a razor blade. Anyway, my T levels are low, arguably too low, they’re lower than even the regular female range. My E levels on the other hand need to be higher, they’re at the lowest acceptable level.

Registered with a GP, I’m going to pluck up my courage and ask for a referral to a Gender Identity Clinic eventually.

Started watching Godzilla films, they’re OK at best but I’m just doing it to give myself a niche interest so I seem like an actual human being with hobbies and interests. Started off with the Heisei era, vs Mothra and vs MechaGodzilla were my favourites.

Present

Definitely going to kill myself, next 5 years, before I’m 30, life is awful and it can only pick up somewhat before it starts nosediving again, I have the resolve to get out of this trap, no point in prolonging by suffering by decades. I’m guessing this news probably makes everyone who reads my blog very happy, not a surprise though, I mean what else could they have possibly foreseen as the eventual outcome? You treat anyone else the way I have been treated and they would have killed themselves even sooner.

I half expect to be arrested again for something or other I’ve written here, “breach of the peace” or another joke law that can be manipulated to screw anyone for anything for any period of time. 5 Years isn’t soon enough for some people, they probably want me dead NOW and honestly I want to die right now too but if it’s any consolation, realistically, I’ll neck myself in around 2 years. I held back because of how my siblings and mother would feel but honestly I don’t care any more, not even a bit, I hate them, they mostly hate me and the part of me that loves them figures they’d be better off with me gone. Only going to chug along 2 more years because of the transition thing, see how that plays out, maybe I’ll feel happier for a while, in a while though even that can only be temporary at most. I have no employment prospects, no way of leaving home due my NEET status and no avenue through which I can make friends. I’m alone and my life is empty, I have no purpose and do nothing, there is no source or joy and no reason to continue existing.

Still NEET. Driving instructor just doing test routes now.

Gotta email the uni now and arrange the disciplinary hearing. Not saying that two wrongs make a right but essentially what has happened is that false accusations were made against me and I lost a year of my life, so the uni were wrong to assume I was guilty and they can’t punish me for the first offence without also punishing the one(s) who made the false accusations against me.

Not sure if I had gender dysphoria anymore or that I want to transition but it’s a bit late now, I seem to be chemically castrated, tried to stop taking my anti-androgens for a while, but still I had no desire to masturbate and when I did I still couldn’t produce any sperm. The testicles do start destroying themselves after a point, I don’t know if that damage can be reversed or if I want to, I was feeling pretty great for the first two months but then I had some doubt sewn into my mind, though it’s more of a physical uneasiness that I’m feeling rather than psychological.

Planning on writing a memoir.

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15 thoughts on “On this day, the Poleaboo Caliphate declares complete victory over the United Cuckdom of Police Scotland, Poland & Higher Education (alt title: Haven’t killed myself (yet))

  1. Sounds like you’re wrestling with many of the same identity issues as before, but you’ve cut yourself off from the outside world more than ever (you used to interact with your work, house mates, class mates, etc). Anyway, I enjoy your blog. You have writing talent dude. GL

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    • Yeah, I suppose I can see that I have identity issues, not sure how to completely resolve them though.

      Worsening my condition was clearly expected by the people who put me in this situation, I feel I’ll be more confident in a year or so when I can consider presenting as female, or at least when I’ve reached I weight I’m comfortable with and laser has done its thing.

      Glad you enjoy my writing, it increases my perception of my self-worth.

      Like

  2. “Only optimists commit suicide, optimists who no longer succeed at being optimists. The others, having no reason to live, why would they have any to die?” Emil Cioran

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  3. this is good to read. your writing skill is very good. i like reading your writing a lot, selfishly i wish you would not kill yourself ever because i enjoy reading your writing

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  4. Have you considered that your entitled attitude, bad behaviour, arrogance and general air of narcissism might be the reason things go so badly for you? Maybe, instead of whining about how horrible everyone is, you could try acting like a decent human being. I mean, maybe just do it once. Just for one day try to be a decent, normal human being and refrain from stalking girls, urinating in people’s milk and whining about how unfair life is.

    But that would be too much work, wouldn’t it? Much easier to do nothing, demand everything and then cry when you don’t get it.

    Like

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