It’s probably not going to get better

I don’t really feel anything anymore, I don’t even know if it’s worth posting at this point. I just want each day to end as soon as possible with minimal interaction with other people. I know what days I have something to, like signing on once a fortnight and now laser once a month and driving lessons irregularly but the only thing I actually kinda look forward to is laser, there’s nothing else in my life though laser is a chore and hope for the day when I will need it no longer, so I guess I can say there is nothing positive in my life, just a few rare obligations. It would be nice to die right now, things aren’t good and there’s no guarantee that eventually I will turn a corner. Not my fault though, it took DOZENS of villainous scum to place me where I am now, any creature would be were I am now had they had that dedicated army of vermin gnawing away at them like I did.

Honestly, I’d have no complains if I were to just die in my sleep or the DNP would kill me, my sister is right, there’s no point to my existence, I can’t even achieve personal joy, nevermind providing a function use to society or another human being. Before I die though, it would be nice if the world knew how I had been abused by so many institutions, it’s not fair that they got away with it.

Had a dysphoria triggering dream/fantasy again, it was about me having transitioning back in high school, such a regret but it wasn’t possible, there wasn’t anyone for me to speak to.

415 wins with Rogue and Priest now, Hearthstone is just frustrating me having to play with weak decks against T1 decks.. Can’t wait until the season is over and I can ladder again, playing an infinite stream of Aggro Shamans seems pleasant compared to this right now.

Watched an episode of Pokemon (Japanese dub), I was quite comfy while doing so but I couldn’t bring myself to watch another. Also watched the first episode of a new show, Pitch, quite liked it, not surprised as I used to like Japanese Baseball shows.

Probably did under 1500 calories, would have been under 500 but mummy made a roast chicken dinner. The weight lose from DNP should become apparent in 2 weeks, based on what /fit/ told me, takes time to lose the water weight I’ve gained from constantly drinking to make sure I don’t die. Still not feeling anything physically and that’s supposed to be good since sweating and fatigue are actually signs that you’re at your limit.

MOTD with the lads on /sp/ should be fun, always good for a few (you)s and some of the posters actually seem to like me.

Epilated my chest and tummy, painful but it’s worth it, feel much more comfortable now.

Emailing detective if I can post my “Top 20 reasons I hate Pakis” list because I reckon, he’d do me for “Breach of the peace”.

My current daily regiment
>200mg DNP
>50mg Bicalutamide (every other day)
>6mg Progynova
>2.5mg Finasteride
>10mg Biotin

Might add Cypro, hear I need to wean myself off in order to avoid damage or send myself into adrenal crisis.


6 thoughts on “It’s probably not going to get better

  1. maybe part of the reason you feel so low is because you find that you have nothing of value or interest to do.
    try finding something that feels like it is productive to do rather than waiting for each day to end, even if it’s only reading or a bit of exercise.
    your progynova intake is pretty high but I guess you know how much you need better than everyone else. also if you start cypro be aware it can make you more depressed as a side effect.


    • I tried reading, bought a collection of Lovecraft works, only liked Call of C’thullu, read a few other stories but they were of low quality so I dropped it.
      Used to exercise for a while, running and squats, quit the running when I couldn’t go for more than 3 minutes, and quite the squats when I bought the DNP.

      Thanks for trying to help though. I can see you’re right about my days being empty or stimulation.

      Progynova dose might need to be increased or I might just need to keep at 6mg for a while longer, E after my blood test results were not high enough.
      Already on Cypro, made the switch to Bica.


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