Your time will come soon enough

Dad was cruel and intrusive again. He entered my room and remained there for a solid hour, sometimes he was just sit on the edge of my bed staring into space and tutting occasionally, towards the end he was standing near the door, staring at me. However for the most part he was asking me questions, not offering any advice and cruelly insulting and criticising me.

There were only three points of discussion though they would repeated many times. He asked when my next driving lesson was, I told him I misremembered the date I started my job so I haven’t booked one yet. He became abusive after hearing this, as if I was somehow seriously at fault for this and even after explaining he still harped on about it. I don’t understand why he is so interested in my driving progress. He wanted information on my job too, he had nothing to say, he just wanted to know details of my life for the sake of knowing, I tell him where, my shifts, my pay and what does he give me in return? Nothing.

Informed my dad about the expulsion, his advice here was “apologise”, useless but that was the only constructive advice he offered. He said if I don’t go back to university I should apply to a local university, he’d even pay and that if I don’t go to school then I should get married, I scoffed and he wouldn’t answer why I didn’t want to. It’s completely pointless speaking to this animal, he has nothing to say that’s worth hearing.

He compared me to my sibling and neighbours, asking why I couldn’t get a job. Told me to wear nice clothes and go outside. Told me to get a haircut, pointed out my patchy facial hair (due to laser) and my finger nails (not really particularly long), it disgusted me how he touched my hands and fingers in order to inspect the nails. The one bit of the conversation that sticks out though is how he pointed out that he “favoured” me, gave me money when I asked etc (I rarely asked for money and it was never unreasonable), I responded by telling him favouring one child made him a bad father. His retort was that he believed if he was good then the others would follow me, I tried to explain again why that made him bad and if he understood English then I’d remind him he was a rapist. I can’t remember or understand even half the crap he said.

He finally fucked off 5 minutes after a sequence when I tried snapping my headphone and threw them against a wall, I told him to chuck them in the bin on his way out. Dad motioned towards trying to physically assault me. On his way out he picked up my headphones and smashed them against the wall again.

Started working on my appeal. Didn’t get much help from the Student Union, they said it looked fine basically. I have a lot of words down, not sure if there’s much substance. Made a complaint against the woman who conducted my misconduct hearing, I expect to hear something back tomorrow after a few email exchanges with the principal.

Lost my tweezers, fortunately they’re incredibly cheap but I’ll have to buy them online.

Played some Hearthstone.

Still eating terribly, that DNP can’t come soon enough, perhaps it’ll take around a week, it’s shipped from the US.

Watched WWE Hell in a Cell, nothing special. Last Week Tonight was alright.

I told my father something dark, just to see his reaction, he didn’t understand at first but then all he said was that he couldn’t understand why I’d think to do something like that given the apparently easy life I have. Once again proving it’s pointless to talk to him.

I should start working on that appeal soon

I spent the early part of today watching kids shows on Netflix (The first season of Pokemon, the first season of Power Rangers, Goosebumps), got MLP in the queue. Trying to shower less to improve my skin but I feel so unclean in the morning, I can’t help it. Found two or three episodes I didn’t see as a kid. Watching nostalgic programs usually makes me upset, I hate thinking of the past but this brought out some joy in me.

Don’t know why I did but I played Hearthstone on standard today, got to rank 3 playing Tempo Mage, maybe if I’d swapped decks earlier I could have made legend. 480+ wins with all classes. Opening a bunch of packs when the new expansion launches is still the only happy moment I can project in my future.

Some anxiety over my hair not being as long as I’d like, it’s definitely growing well at the back but not at the sides, I fucked up going to the barber last month (or was it earlier this month?). I’m probably going to have a mullet at some point even though I took some mild action to avoid it.

Tried on some of the clothes I bought from Forever21, I didn’t really account for women having higher waists so I can’t pass these off as male clothes, maybe the plaid shirts. The mens skinny jeans looked OK on me except that my figure looked more feminine in them due to my thighs.

My mother and father were walking around each other, not talking as usual, this angered me. I could hear my father making retching sounds, just like he does every morning, disgusting, my mother had a scowl on her face and I was also angry at her, why didn’t she leave him if she hates it so much? Why did she let her children suffer too?

Ignore it, maybe it’ll go away

I’ve pushed the expulsion and the appeal to the back of my mind, I have over a week to submit the thing, acting this way has reduced my anxiety, I don’t quite feel suicidal but I’m certainly not happy, regardless though, I’ll feel that endless despair again very soon.

Spent £75 on a 3 month supply of Dutasteride and I’m also in the process of buying 60 DNP pills. If I take a step back, I don’t see the point in doing this but it creates the illusion that I expect to live for a while, maybe that’s a good thing. I am going to be incredibly angry when the appeal fails so this won’t matter, I know it won’t but for the time being I’m feeling pretty calm. My bank balance is taking one hell of a hit mind, perhaps with a couple of JSA payments I can stay above £5000 and I’ll make around £1000 from working. I am sticking to 6mg E, got scared off increasing my dose, I’ll take another blood test soon but they cost £50 so I’ll wait a short while, increase my funds.

I told my driving instructor a few days ago that I started my job next Monday, I was wrong, it doesn’t start for another 3 weeks, it’s going to be awkward informing him of this.

Cleaned my bedroom drawers a bit threw some stuff away including a lab coat I purchased during my first attempt at university, pitiful that I kept this pointless reminder for over half a decade.

Watched The Apprentice and the companion show, I would dream of being on the show last year, it obviously isn’t suited to me but I’d like to be the type of person who could have an entertaining run.

City are doing well again, I suppose that should make me happy, might watch MOTD with /sp/ tonight.

I suspect the runts from the amusement park still read my blog.

personality

I can see the ending and I’m fine with it

I exchanged some emails with university today, they’re playing the same games as always, I claim the target is invisible and they send a reply neither confirming nor denying it, they also come across as quite smug while doing it as if they know that I know and there’s nothing I can seemingly do about it. Emailed some solicitors too but it’s not really practical, there isn’t much time left (appeal has to be in in under 2 weeks) and there’s the issue of me living over 300 miles from the university so a consultation with a local brief would be difficult.

I decided to attend the job interview/registration event held by the company who I already registered with through the recruitment agency. It was held at a gold course, had to take a bus to get there, the bus driver was chipper and very nice, he asked around in order to get change for me. The other people at the interview were not a very colourful bunch, little over half of them were young paki males, two young white males (one of them looked like Dylann Roof), two or three older white males and there was one paki female with a headscarf too.

The people conducting the interviews and organising the event were all very nice, very smiley, I recognised one guy from primary school, I pretended I didn’t though he called me out on it and then I had to act out remembering him, he was nice, so fucking nice and intelligent too, by that I mean he didn’t seem out of place among his white co-workers. He asked questions and I was able to bluff them convincingly. I think I spoke well, it’s easier to communicate when you’re playing a character, if I’m comfortable lying then I can say anything and without fear of judgement too.

Waiting for the second part of the interview I spoke to a couple of others who were looking for employment too. An old white man who I initiated a conversation with, he was nice, we were able to speak near continually until he was called up though I was getting desperate towards the end. I was amazingly comfortable, I used the term “mummy and daddy” to refer to my parents. I later spoke to a young paki male who initiated conversation with me, I was far more comfortable speaking to him, he laughed and I think I did too or at least I was happy for a bit, I was able to recount my McDonalds story, I think I need a new reason for why I was fired after two weeks, the general truth is underwhelming. I have also realised I’ve used “I” far too much in this paragraph.

The man who called me over for the final part of the interview, older white man, he was also nice, got my name right, congratulated himself then I congratulated him, then I proceeded to lie some more. I think I came across as quite a sociable person, a normie, to everyone who I came into contact with today.

I was feeling quite upbeat on the hour long walk home, decided I could do with some exercise so didn’t hop on the bus though it’s also because I hate waiting while doing nothing, but then I remembered my awful situation and that this changes nothing, muttered to myself often during the journey.

I don’t think I wanted the uni thing to work out, I think I want it to fail so I can end the story, it’s as if that’s what’s supposed to happen, that that’s the only way to give my life meaning, otherwise I’ll just be like everyone else and my existence wouldn’t have mattered.

Work doesn’t start for another 3 weeks, this really sucks.

475+ wins with all classes on Hearthstone.

Watched South Park, not really funny but it’s a decent watch.

Going to start 8mg E/Progynova today. It did kinda get to me that the school friend recognised me.

Been having a lot of gay fantasies lately, probably brought about by anxiety related to not passing.

The dreams I have have also changed, no longer are they about transitioning, it’s about being a member of a futuristic version of the Fantastic Four, not really about being a super hero, it’s about having friends, there’s always an arc when I turn evil, attempt to destroy all reality and am redeemed.

Found my year old Sertaline and Propraponol while cleaning out the drawers.

I remembered a “deal” I made with my father before starting my current university course, he was mad that I’d dropped out of my previous university so to calm him I said that I’d kill myself if I dropped out again (not sure what term I used), I made a motion slitting my wrists so that he’d understand, he smiled.

I just want to die

I sent some emails, one to the uni, another to the police, in an attempt to gather information and evidence for my appeal but I didn’t get anywhere. They were being deliberately unhelpful, no reply from anyone at the uni, I know they check their emails multiple times a day. The police won’t offer anything.

Letter from the university came in the post, mum saw it and wanted me to open it, she was excited for some fucking reason. I just ignored her and went back to my room. I don’t know what to say or if I should bother saying anything, maybe come clean about needing to appeal and when that fails I’ll just let the police tell them they found my corpse and then everyone can just make their own assumptions.

Dad asked if I was OK, as always, I don’t reply, just like with mum, their is no point in answering, not like they can help or even understand my emotions and the details of the issues I face.

470+ wins with all classes on Hearthstone, could have them all gold in a week. Going to struggle to find a reason to play until the expansion drops the following month. This is literally the only reason I can think of as to why I should live a little longer.

Clothes I ordered arrived, haven’t opened the packaging due to being upset.

Cleaned out my room a bit, filled up a bin bag, quite a depressing experience, among the things I threw away were old birthday gifts, just small things like notebooks and stationary, things people thought would be helpful in my life. It does hurt that I’ve disappointed others, best thing I can do is probably end it before I cause more pain.

Finasteride seems to have stopped the hairloss but the hairline isn’t recovering, going to buy some Duta.

email I sent to the uni

The letter says I should ask for guidance with my appeal, so can you tell me what sort of evidence I need? From the start there has been nothing for me to argue against, you just keep shutting me down by saying my points are not relevant.

The penalty IS disproportional but other than logic and common sense what evidence could prove this?

The criteria used to determine a proportionate penalty, as contained in paragraph 10.1 of the Student Misconduct Procedure, were not appropriately applied, but again other than logic and common sense how can this be proved?

What you keep leaning against in your correspondence with me is that my crime was “severe” and that you have a duty of care (implying I’m a threat), these are not facts, these are opinions, logic and common sense, so again how am I supposed to provide evidence to contradict you?

You also seem to have a bias against me and you can end my appeal before it reaches the student appeal committee, so I want to ask you specifically, what you need to see?

email I sent to the detective

I’ve officially been expelled from uni, they keep insisting that my crime was serious. It’s not fair, can’t you offer a word in my defence? I’m not a bad person and I don’t deserve this, they’ve never even really spoken to me, they don’t know who I am, I don’t know why they’re treating me this way but if you speak up for me, that’ll cripple their flimsy “argument” against me.

We’ve barely spoken either and I know you hate me but you at least pretended to be nice, nicer than most people I come across, you said I could speak to you I remember that,  I’m not expecting much from you, not even a reply but I have to do shit like this to say “I tried” so that there aren’t any doubts or regrets when it comes to whatever is next for me (NOT A THREAT, I know how it sounds but you should know by now that I’m a poor writer).

Our of interest, do you feel you did the right thing? Am I such a bad person?

The countdown begins

It came in, I’m officially expelled.

expelled

I still have an appeal but from what I’ve read, the principal can just can it before it reaches the student appeals committee. I’ll give it a go but the grounds for appeal are quite limited, I’d struggle even if the process was fair, there is one ace I have though, I’ve been holding it back until the last minute due to the possibility of it backfiring. I haven’t been treated fairly thus far and no reason to believe things will change now.

Here is the bit that applies to me.

There is substantial evidence that:

  • (a) was not previously known to the Head of School at the time of the Misconduct Hearing; or
  • (b) demonstrates a penalty is disproportionate; or
  • (c) the criteria used to determine a proportionate penalty, as contained in paragraph 10.1 of the Student Misconduct Procedure, were not appropriately applied. (in my case this would be claiming the severity & scale of the misconduct was overstated, the stage of the course and my previous misconduct/behaviour.)

Other news today is that I signed up with that recruitment agency and should be working an Xmas temp job by Monday, opted for the night shift, 10pm to 6am. I was in a rush in the morning, didn’t take my E until 2pm, in a sour mood on the trip to the agency, squeezed in front of an old woman on the train when getting off, she tried pushing me, I pushed back, she repeatedly called me ignorant, I said “No one cares” and “And you’re old and you’ll be dead soon”.

Cis women triggered me, also considering the fact that any tall woman could be trans and am comparing myself to them, depressing.

Obviously felt distressed after learning I was expelled so I ate a donner and chips.

Not going into much detail about my day because it should be clear how I feel, I might not update this blog again until the end, might just make some videos and upload them, need the normies to understand why I made all the decisions I have, they prefer to watch/listen to read. Also don’t want to say something that’ll get me v&.

A productive day

First thing I did today was call the laser clinics, arranged an appointment with one (3 weeks time), awkward getting a time since I might be employed soon and am unsure of my shifts. With the other clinic I cancelled, hung up after I said I didn’t want to reschedule and before she could finish her sentence.

Job interview tomorrow, got another interview too on Friday, turns out they’re both for the same job, the interview tomorrow is via an agency and the Friday interview is with the company itself. I’ll attend both, get one or the other or hopefully the one directly with the company so I can retain my entire wage. Had to rush off to the JobCentre to print off and scan a bunch of documents, I spoke well to the security guy there who helped me out. I felt proud because I felt he was proud that I found employment. In preparation for tomorrow I also had to get some passport sized photographs, asked for change to use the booth at the post office. The pics turned out quite nice after I sorted out my hair, the bright flash made my skin look lighter, amazing how much of a difference that makes to attractiveness.

Called that other recruitment agency for the third time, ignored again.

I came downstairs for a bit, my sister (the nicest one) went on at me again about my weight, she said that I’d lost too much, my face looks anorexic and “not like a man”, my legs have become too thin and her advice was that I need to put weight on, go to the gym and bulk up. She just couldn’t understand why someone would want to be the way I am, “who wants someone skinny?”, I explained that I wasn’t doing it for others, I was doing it for myself. She didn’t let up though, her words weren’t hurtful, I took them as compliments and she seemed to be trying to help. Regarding my weight though she is wrong and deluded, I’m not 100% what my height is 5’8-5’10 but my current weight is too heavy, my sister believes 170lbs is the norm. I am upset though that I am losing weight from my face and not my tummy.

144lbs and didn’t eat brilliantly (again), went to ASDA to buy apples, bananas and a cucumber.

Watched WWE Raw, it wasn’t even worth generating any kind of opinion.

Might jump on and get a free Crunchyroll and Netflix trial again.

Out of DNP, threw the last cap away, it looked compromised. I’ll try losing weight normally for a while.

465+ wins with all classes on Hearthstone. Got golden Shaman.

Need to increase my E dose, supposed to do it slow, not sure if I’ll wait for the 4 month mark or the 5 month mark. Maybe even 6.