That actual kind of “sick” feeling

I vomited last night, 9 times though they were only split into two sets. I felt scared and uncomfortable, found it difficult to breath at time, didn’t know what was happening, thought it could be the DNP screwing with me. I was glad to make it through the night and in hindsight I am glad to have vomited the meal I had last night, I don’t have the strength to force myself to be sick unfortunately and bulimia seems highly attractive to one such as I who is trying to reduce their intake but finds it difficult to resist temptation.

I was still feeling sick in the morning, cancelled my driving lesson. My father asked me for a favour, wanted me to search online for some batteries, I told him to fuck off and then he went on his usual tirade, “get a job”, “you look like an animal”, “get a haircut, I’ll pay”. Went and took a shower to get away from him, decided to shave today, it wasn’t a good shave, perhaps there was something wrong with the blades, regardless, my beard shadow is still there and still dark, this depressed me greatly, I cried today over that.

What’s the point in going on? Yes, I’m getting sessions at the cheapest place I could find but still my hope is fading and I just think at this point it would be easier to end it all, 6 months at most, I wish I could do it right now, there’s no point in continuing if I can’t shift this facial hair, I can’t be happy. I can’t just throw in the towel though, I need to make an effort so I did, browsed information about Electrolysis, it’s too expensive, browsed some other Laser places, great, I’m prepared to pay the higher prices now but I can’t take a session or patch test until enough time has passed from my last laser session and finally I felt like I could talk to someone, they could help me, so I booked an appointment with a GP. I guess I’ll tell them I think I have gender dysphoria but I’m not sure, I want a referral to GIC or to talk to a therapist. It will make me feel like I’m moving forward and they will pay for laser at the really expensive places, this might work out but for now I’m still upset, I am just disgusted with myself, I feel like there would be nothing I wouldn’t be prepared to give up if I could just get rid of this beard shadow.

Later in the day it looked like, maybe, there had been some small progress.

I’ve eaten well today since I feel sick and have no appetite for food. 600 calories I believe, cereal, I fancies something wet. Still taking DNP.

Still doing terribly at Hearthstone.

I googled the GP I have an appointment with, young, cool looking male, this is going to be tough.

Hair loss continues but I don’t know where it’s coming from, I could just be a normal amount, I suppose.

Watched WWE Smackdown, not that fussed about PPVs  when the outcomes of matches are obvious.

Had to wash bedsheets and bin since that’s where I vomited.


12 thoughts on “That actual kind of “sick” feeling

  1. Dude the cocktail of drugs is not good. It’s messing with your body in bad ways. You should lay off them, particularly the DNP

    Continue with the dieting, hair growing and laser treatments, but cool it with the other shit . Please

    People here have been reading your blog for ages. We actually like you and want you to be happy.


    • That I’ve been self-medding for 3 months, that I don’t known if I’m trans or just crazy and I’d like to speak to a therapist or be referred to Gender Identity Clinic.


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