Misconduct Hearing

Fuck it, it’s all over, I knew from the start they all had an agenda against me and I’ve seen it in action once again. Just like everyone else I’ve encountered, the university has not given me a true chance to speak.

Skimming over the observations before the hearing, I don’t care anymore. Woke up at 5am, showered but didn’t shave, moisturise or wear deodorant. Dad drove me to the train station. Got an Eastern European to move out of the seat I have reserved. Cis female school girls at one of the train stations triggered my dysphoria. Played Dragon Quest through most of the train journey. Once I arrived in Aberdeen, my /britfeel/ “friend” was nowhere to be found, I made my way to the hotel I booked for the night and once again my dysphoria was triggered by cis female students, this time my age. Hotel receptionist was qt Lithuanian, not triggered, she was nice, smiled often. Bought some razors, shaving cream, deodorant and a comb from Pound Shop or something like that. Groomed myself though my hair still looks terrible.

I arrived at the university in a timely fashion about 20 minutes early so I took a long walk around to where I needed to be. Had to wait for another 10 minutes once I arrived. A friendly woman appeared, she had an admin role at the uni and would be taking the minutes of the hearing. The two women actually on the panel that would judge me were my former course co-ordinator, she looked glum throughout and did not speak a word and the new head of the business school who lead the inquisition.

The first only two questions asked was if I knew what the purpose of the misconduct hearing was, I staggered but got it on my own, to decide if I can return to the uni. Next it was stated that I had been convicted of “stalking” and asked if I had any mitigating circumstances to claim or anything else for them to take into consideration.

I tried explaining what I did wasn’t stalking but they wouldn’t hearing it, the fact that I was convicted under that legislation was all they wanted to know. It didn’t matter that the actual subsection of the law that I was screwed under was some anti-freedom, catch-all law that anyone could be arrested for having done anything (I said this).

When I objected further to their claim that I “stalked other students”, I tried in vein again to explain what I actually did but again, they didn’t care, it was also confirmed at this point that the head of the school had no idea what I had done, she said that all she knew that I had a conviction.

A couple of other points I tired making were that I was only fined £300, that this was therefore a minor crime, like speeding. They seemed to take that one, course leader wrote it down but I think it was just for show. My main argument completely flew over their heads though, they didn’t understand or accept blame for suspending me for 1 year when I hadn’t been charged with anything, nor convicted or charged at the end of the bail period, it was just standard procedure, not even an apology, my logic was that we were both at fault so I already took my punishment.

Voice was raspy throughout the day, not sure why I couldn’t speak normally. Anxiety, I guess.

There was nothing for me to say because that’s the format they arranged, it was rigged. Just a charade, a formality they had to get through. Decision had already been made. Pretty annoyed that I spent £110 for nothing. My body language was awful, I started off leaning on the table with my face rested on my fist but by the end I was leaning back in my chair with arms outspread, defeated.

Felt like kicking stuff as I left. Ate a whole Toblerone when I got back, I’m disgusting.

Tried calling detective, he said I could call him way back when, it was just a ruse to get me to incriminate myself but I needed someone real to talk to, wanted to ask him specifically if I was a bad person and to explain it to me because I don’t understand and if I’m not a bad person then I don’t deserve this and that makes everyone else bad. Kinda wanted to have him arrest me or something, I don’t want to be here anymore, it’s fair to say I failed at life and now it’s all about picking my exit route.

And to make this day even worse, noticed a HUGE patch of hypopigmentation on my upper lip, could just be because I shaved today.

Still no reply from the laser clinic.

Hotel room is comfy, might get a McDonalds to further eat away at my sorrows while multiplying them tomorrow, I know I’m pathetic going to Maccies, handing money over like a cuck to the guy who fired me.

Ignored most of my mums texts, answered her eventually.