Just a day

Not heard back from the uni, guess I can assume the best until it actually happens. I was prepared on Wednesday and I’ll steel myself again when the decision comes in. Not feeling suicidal right now but I imagine it will hit again when everything is final and I’ll be forced to make a decision.

Down to 143.5lbs, wonderful and surprising, what I heard about DNP water weight was true but it’s strange that I lost weight while eating so poorly these last few days. Sister said I lost weight from my face, this is upsetting, it’s the last area really I want to be losing it.

Driving lesson went poorly, just a few things here and there that I forgot.

Tried sitting down with the family for a bit, I won’t miss them and I don’t think they’ll miss me either.

Finasteride is maybe working, could just be my imagination but the hairline seems to be making a recovery.

Laser patch test tomorrow, nervous due to the awkward email exchanges and it’s so soon after other events, I need significant prep time before anything, this is all really going to throw me of balance when/if I see the GP on Monday.

Applied to 2 jobs, admin and warehouse. There were a lot of retail jobs advertised but I know I have no chance with those. Not expecting anything, been burned enough.

Feeling fatigued, painful to walk.

Detective didn’t call, don’t care, I didn’t want to talk to him anymore either.

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13 thoughts on “Just a day

  1. What will you do if you don’t commit suicide?

    I think suicide is a poor choice to be honest poleaboo and I especially think you should never harm any others no matter what decision you make.

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    • I don’t know if I have explained my situation clearly enough if you’re questioning whether or not suicide is the right option at this point (assuming I’m expelled)

      There’s just nothing in this life for me

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  2. Hey Poleaboo,

    First time commentator, long time reader. I’m not from the UK so initially when I stumbled across your blog I just thought of it as a way to waste time, you know how that goes.

    After a handful of entries I was surprisingly hooked because of how well you write and unashamedly describe your situation. I’m not ashamed to say you’re just like me in a way. I am a 5 foot 5 black American university student, yes my height sucks but can’t be too bad beyond that, right? Wrong, I was born with enlarged pores much bigger than the dimples on a golf ball so since elementary school I have always been a pariah and target of bullying due to my appearance.

    I worked my way through my inner city High School confident that (white) people would be different in university and that I would find a community to be a part of as well as social success, maybe even a girlfriend who could see past my face and height? Well not exactly, while I’m happy to say I am no longer the victim of relentless bullying I am now totally alone. Oddly I almost miss the interaction with my bullies because at least then I had someone to talk to throughout the day, even if it was just to provide the answers on an exam.

    Now, however, no one so much as speaks to me besides my mom. I don’t hate my mom and dad like you do, although my dad did bully me when I was in High School for being a “social failure” in his words and my mom made me go to school when I begged her not to knowing I’d be beaten and humiliated, but I don’t want to talk to them all the time because it can be exhausting to pretend university is as good as I depict it to be to them.

    I get triggered by seeing happy people of any gender or race because I know I can’t be apart of their groups no matter how much I’ve tried throughout the last few years. Eventually the communication stops entirely on there end, one guy I spoke to often at the beginning of my freshman year asked me if I had any friends at all one time. I didn’t know it was so obvious I was a friendless loser.

    Anyway, some of the stuff you do is messed up and I can’t agree with. Like peeing in your roommate’s alcohol or recording your roommate on the toilet. I know normies have taken every opportunity presented to them in life to try and humiliate and torment us, but I guess I prefer to be the bigger person, even if that doesn’t matter to anyone at all.

    I don’t get along with normies either. Today at work I was paired with three female employees, and a female manager. Needless to say I was pretty much ignored. When the three female employees were busy with task I attempted small talk with my manager. I was happy I was able to have a discussion with her without awkward pauses or having to think very hard, but became depressed when she told me how she spent her 21st birthday drinking with a Chad she met at an airport in Vancouver. I spent my 21st birthday alone in my room drinking by myself, receiving phone calls from family members asking what my plans were.

    Can it be that easy for normies? They see a pretty girl while they’re waiting on a flight and take her back to her place to have sex? I’m not sure, I’ve never had and never will have sex. Hookers here don’t want to sleep with black men. She even told me she visited him in Chicago where he lived. Part of me thinks she told me all this to say that she was not at all interested in me, I suppose when you’re as ugly as I am just saying ‘Hello’ is considered to be an advance.

    At one point when I was in high school I did want to be a girl because I thought it would make people like me better, but my shoulders are entirely too wide due to lifting to try and “improve myself.” I had Catfished as girls in online communities and it was as though I was in another world entirely, suddenly all the people I rationalized as “not having seen my message” on my own account were candid with an absolute stranger because she was pretty. I had to stop this eventually because it made me want to kill myself.

    I have no plans after college, as my anxiety and depression have made it next to impossible to communicate with counselors or attempt an internship. I will probably kill myself whenever my mom dies, I think my parents are older than yours. I love my sister, I think she’s the closest thing I have to a friend but it’s clear we don’t have a lot to talk about besides having grown up together. She’s not a Stacey, she’s dated the same guy since the beginning of high school and is married to him now and I am happy for her. She likes stuff like Dungeons and Dragons, Magic the Gathering, and anime conventions but all my efforts to talk to her fall flat after a handful of paragraphs.

    I’m sorry life has been so hard for you and I hope things improve for you. I wrote all this just to say that you’re not the only one who’s struggling with some of the same issues, and until I kill myself I’ll most likely spend a lot of time continuing to read your blog. I do not think I’ll comment frequently though. Best of luck

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    • I enjoyed reading your post and I can understand now why people read my blog. It didn’t necessarily make me feel better but it distracted me from my own pain and made me empathise with you, I felt as if you were in a worse situation than myself, I stopped caring about my own welfare and just hoped things got better for you. Things sound pretty hopeless for you, do have any moves/options? e.g. someone you MIGHT be able to get a job or some trick that could land you a gf?

      I don’t understand your stance on “being the bigger person”, you said yourself, no one even cares, why shouldn’t you/we take every chance there is to lash out at the normies? They cause us such pain and misery and most of the time they don’t even know it. Even pissing in my roommates drink barely upset him, so his ribena tasted a little funny, he got to hang out with his friends and generally have a pleasant day, he won’t even remember that drink.

      Since you live in America, will you buy a gun and make sure everyone knows your pain when you decide it’s time to end it? (I’m not suggesting you do, just a question). You’re waiting until your mother dies, you will either only get angrier or just stop caring, not even enough to kill yourself.

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      • I believe I could get a job and spend the next few decades toiling away at the debt I ascertained, however I don’t understand why I would do so when I do not believe I can ever be happy being totally by myself. After my mother dies I will not have a single person who voluntarily speaks to me. I gave up on being able to trick people or “work on myself” in order to get people to like me a few months ago after years of trying.

        It seems all the advice on 4chan, as well as the rest of the internet, is tailored towards people who are only a few steps away from being normal. A skinny 5’10 introverted guy who just doesn’t have a lot of experience talking to women will obviously benefit a lot more from lifting weights and PUA than I ever could.

        I’ve lifted weights consistently for five years now and I always take the opportunity to speak to everyone since I’ve been out of High School, unfortunately I think my face and height are too much to overcome. One of the two would not be so bad, but why would any girl date me when she can have a taller more normal looking guy? Does an athletic build matter on such a short frame?

        It’s not as though I could ever intimidate another person, dunk a basketball, or ever hope to lift as much as someone who is 6 foot 5.

        To tell you the truth, if you’re anything like me at all you might relate to this, I had been thinking of writing my initial comment toward you for a few weeks and I wanted to express disapproval for some of the bad things you had done but when I actually put “pen to paper” I could not think of a single reason to in fact be the bigger person. I had a dream last night in which I had a female roommate and attempted to rape her. I do not believe I could ever commit a rape due to my own cowardice, but during my dream I did not feel sorry for my actions.

        What does it matter? I’m sure you’ve seen the American news story where a man recorded his homosexual social outcast roommate having gay sex and published it to the internet, prompting the gay man to commit suicide. I’m sure there are no shortage of videos or photos of me from my time in High School circulating older social media websites in order to ridicule me. It really doesn’t matter what you do to normies, because they will always do much worse to us and have not cared about me being the bigger person all throughout my life.

        Will I rape a woman, record a woman defecating, or piss in a normies drink? Probably not, but there’s no sense in acting high and mighty when the only thing preventing me from doing so is some odd form of “respect” for my tormentors and the fear of being caught.

        As far as going full Elliot, most likely not, for all the shit I’ve gotten in life I still love the world and want to be a part of it even knowing that I never will be. I guess that makes me a cuck? I don’t know, I just really wish I could at the very least have friends. Not the cool kind you see on television but just some nerds to play Dungeons and Dragons with, but even those people do not like me because of how I look. My sister’s husband is like that and he has always hated me/talked down to me like a dog. I think I am less than a dog.

        I hope that you can pass as a cis woman in your transition, I do not mean to provide you false hope but the only time in my life I can recall being happy is when I pretended to be a girl on the internet. That has been the only time other people who were not paid to be around me, such as managers and coworkers, were nice to me.

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      • I don’t have the option to do so, if I did I would most definitely embrace a culture that would guarantee me social satisfaction. However I am a short black man which makes me effeminate to begin with, coupled with my high pitched voice and lack of knowledge of hip hop culture and all things nigger due to being a pariah in my developmental years in addition to the fact I’m ugly so automatically a target for ridicule by others black, it would be impossible for me to integrate into black culture at this point in my life.

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      • Reading your posts is making me quite angry/upset, it’s not just your situation but the fact that you won’t do anything to get out of it, there’s no happy ending or some kind of balance.

        I can stand tall and get through the next day because I know if it ever gets too much I’ll hit back and in doing so would gain the respect of others and an eternal sense of pride that I would not lie down and take this abuse but you, you’re so defeated, I want to kill you to put you out of your misery, it would be a kindness.

        I get not upsetting your mother is the reason you won’t kill yourself but what is it that you cling to that gives you strength and pride?

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    • You’re still young. You might be surprised how quickly and dramatically things can change over the course of a life time. Even over a few weeks everything in your life can change for the better. You just need to be patient and enjoy the little things in the meantime, brother

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      • Biggie was fat and ugly, you have no excuse. Buy some gold chains, a cap, flashy t-shirts and sunglasses.

        Next just start walking around town with swagger.

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