Disappointment and Optimism

I woke up early today, 9.30am due having an appointment at the new laser place, just a patch test. Was still a bit tired even though I went to sleep around 10pm last night. Are porridge, good start to the day but I screwed it up by eating too much later on, I really, really hate crisps, wish my mother would stop buying them. Weight up to 144.75lbs. I’ll be back on DNP on Wednesday, 400mg daily this time.

The laser joint I’m at now is much closer and travelling there is significantly less hassle, loitered around in the city centre since I got there too early. It was larger, more professional, I’m ashamed I went to that small, joke of a “clinic” before. The girls at the reception desk were friendly, I was given a questionnaire, filled it out promptly, answered yes when asked if I had any “keloid scarring” and listed the meds I was taking after which I was taken to the room with the lasers (Alexandrite and Nd:YAG) and we ran through the paperwork that had just been filled in. I was told that they didn’t treat anyone with Keloid scarring and the woman asked if she could see my scars, I showed her a small one on my hand, it was determined that it wasn’t a keloid scar, I thought we could move on but she seemed certain that I had more scars to show her, I wanted laser treatment so I buckled and showed off my self-harm scars, she didn’t seem to flinch, acted professionally, just stroked them and determined that they were mostly smooth and hence just regular scars. This was all my fault, I assumed all raised scars were keloids.

Next she needed to check my meds weren’t photosensitive, I was left alone in the room while she went off to check them against a list, unfortunately she could only find Finasteride. I was told she couldn’t treat me today and would need to contact their nurse to make sure everything was fine though I tried to protest that these were very common drugs for people who wanted facial hair removal. I think the issue is that I misspelled “Cyproterone” as “Cyprotone” and Estraidol Valerate isn’t specific enough since it comes in different forms. We talked a little through email later in the day. Disappointed this is on the ice for a short while but overjoyed that clearing my facial hair seems realistic again and that I can finally see the difference between a proper laser clinic and the shithole I was at, going to need to contact them to see if I can get a partial refund since I paid in advance.

The big thing here though it didn’t feel so big was that I kinda came out as transgender.

Got home, no one else in, that’s when I started stuffing my face. When my sisters got back, we had another little argument, I think it was just a bunch of small things that added up, there was nothing new or significant here, I disapproved of them getting a takeaway, sister took a shot at me being a NEET who rarely leaves the house.

Just watched South Park, nothing else, just posting on 4chan all day, got banned for a post where I couldn’t even be identified, mod on a power trip.

Played some Hearthstone, got wrecked, internet went out a few times, not sure if I’ll make rank 5 this season, also not playing enough to grind a large amount of gold for the next expansion.

I’ve been told I shouldn’t tell my GP about the self-harming if I’m going to tell him about the gender identity issues. Might give it a miss altogether, it’s going to be too difficult, I get highly anxious thinking about it.