Expected Anxiety Overload

I am going to the GP tomorrow and I’m just going to lay it on him, I don’t have the nerve to ask for a referral to GIC so I’ll ask for a referral to a therapist instead, confess I’ve been self-medding trans drugs, self-harming and that due to social anxiety I would piss myself while working. I’m not expecting anything to come out of this as in resolving my problems, I don’t think I even want anything out of this, I’m just doing it to say “I tried”. He’ll give me anti-depressants and beta-blockers in the meantime, I’ll reject them since I had already been prescribed them and they did nothing (Didn’t use the anti-depressants though because I was arrested after receiving them and stopped caring). Really fucking anxious about this and now I’m doing the thing where I just ignore it so I don’t feel any more anxiety but I will completely fuck up the event when it arrives.

I don’t have the guts to make it JUST a discussion about gender dysphoria, that’s why I feel the need to muddy things up with the self-harm and anxiety to deter focus so I can say something without really tackling it.

Cyproterone increases photosensitivity so that’s why the laser clinic knocked me back, guess we’ll get around to discussing if they have had transgender clients in the past and if that doesn’t lead anywhere then I’ll just say I’ve stopped taking it (which I mostly have).

Trying to buy some DNP, hitting up a new source.

Got a couple of Steam friends yesterday and another couple today, might even buy a game on Steam at some point so I have more of a reason to keep the program open. Long Hearthstone win streak today, hit rank 6, funny how the largest amount of progress is made in the shortest span of time.

Ate quite a bit today but it was mostly rice, still not sure if that’s really good or really bad. Put on a pound in one fucking day again, can’t get too stressed as my DNP cycle is starting on Wednesday.

Watched SNL, it made me laugh, weird.

Editing my CV, filling it will lies and exaggerations, used someone elses format as a base, it’s quite fun, I not have 6+ years of work history, I worked at McDonalds and the amusement park for over a year each, a warehouse for a few year and even a bit of retail, oh and my accounts placement involved more than just low level admin tasks! I always thought of doing this and  it’s so easy. If I had been using this version of my CV over the last year, I’m sure I would have gotten some bites, too late now.

I’m assuming the best case scenario, can’t do much good assuming the worst before it has happened, the expulsion should come in tomorrow unless they meant 5 WORKING days.

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5 thoughts on “Expected Anxiety Overload

  1. you should just embrace degeneracy
    accept yourself for a loser, acknowledge that nobody will ever love you
    sometimes the key for happiness is just not giving a shit. at the end of the day people either see you as an unhappy loser trying to fit in or just a loser.

    your appearance can act as a very small aspect of your life. channel your real personality and you will be fulfilled.

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  2. Take courage and ask for a GIC! It can be a lot easier if a professional administrates your drugs, and he can also help you with the lasser clinic and the photosensitivity

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    • I think after how things went yesterday, I’m going to have to wait and see what my GP sets up for me, a GIC referral takes 9 months to materialise, talking to a therapist who is familiar with gender issues sooner can’t hurt, might calm me down a bit and I know they can then tell my GP to refer me. It’ll take longer but 9 months straight to a GIC is already an incredibly long time.

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