I Tried…

I got up nice and early today, probably should have asked for an appointment with my GP later than 9:50am, not too tried but I left my window to shower, shave, eat etc. too tight. Fortunately though I was able to do everything I needed to do in order to feel comfortable. Walking to the GP surgery I wasn’t too anxious about the appointment because I was trying not to think about it. Sweated a little bit.

Arrived at the place with around 10 minutes to spare, I then strolled up to the reception, waiting to be acknowledged and stated that I had an appointment, the time and with which doctor when prompted. After that interaction I asked where the bathroom was located, then I proceeding to relieve myself and fix my hair. When I felt calm enough, I exited the lavatory and entered the waiting area, my doctor was based on the second floor, I wasn’t sure where to wait so I began ascending the stairs to see if there was a waiting area up there too, I climbed half way and didn’t notice anything when suddenly the door to one of the room swung open, it was my doctor, a fairly young, decent looking man and possibly gay. The moment I recognised him, I turned back around but before I can move a step down he called my name. I tried to explain what I was doing, he cut me off though, smiled and said it was OK. As I reached the summit, I noticed that there were in fact chairs up here.

He told me to take a seat and I did. Next I waited for him to ask me what I was here for, there was a pause because I really did not want to speak, this was difficult for me, perhaps if he had some context but I was going into this cold. I eventually started speaking with a voice that sounds like I was about to break into tears at any second, I didn’t have the nerve to open up by talking about my gender issues so instead I went with how I would wet myself while working because I couldn’t ask to use the bathroom over the radio. I couldn’t look at him, I was staring at his desk or the floor throughout, I was sitting bended over with my arm between my legs. Built some momentum and shot straight into telling him I was self-medicating transgender drugs next, he asked what I was taking, I said “Cyproterone”, that was the first one that came to mind even though I recently stopped and replaced it with Bica, he then followed up with “Why are you taking these meds”, now this was my fuck up, instead of engaging the question and speaking about my gender dysphoria, I instead continued to list off meds I was taking, he wasn’t taking notes and he didn’t know the drugs so it was pointless.

He then asked how I wanted him to help me, I responded “I’d like a referral to a Gender Identity Clinic but I guess considering my other problems a general psychiatrist might be more appropriate”. Lost my nerve again, couldn’t ask for the GIC, had to keep focus muddled to avoid really tackling the issue. Fortunately however, he did at least pick up on the mention of a GIC, he asked where the closest one was, I told him (over 30 miles away), he replied with “Gosh, you’d think there’d be a closer one” (Not knowing where the closest GIC was confirmed that he had never had a trans patient before). He then said he wasn’t able to get any notes regarding me from my previous GP, I told him that I only even went there a couple of times for beta blockers. His next questions where about my current employment status and living conditions, he asked if I was a student, I said kinda, told him about the suspension and the blog, highly condensed, when I said that my writings had caused fear and alarm, his follow up question was if it was the university or other students who were alarmed, odd question, not sure what he got out of it.

He went back to the tranny drugs and asked where I got them, told him the website but ‘internet’ was all he needed to hear, looked up and the man was smiling, he looked concerned and oh so serious the last I tried that. As expected, he followed up his smug look by telling me that stuff I get off the internet isn’t always legit, I tell him it’s a popular site and he thinks he won when he says that popularity doesn’t mean anything. It was I however who won this exchange when I stated that I knew they were legit because of the effects they were having on my body, asked to expand, I told him of my softer skin, reduced desire to masturbate, less ejaculate when I do, bit of breast growth, slower hair growth and thinning of hair. I almost smiled when listing them off.

His final question was about self-harm, I told him that it was something that I no longer did and the last time was April. iirc there was something about depression, in response to his question I said that I have been more upbeat these last couple of months (since starting HRT as established earlier in the dialogue) but not happy.

He closes by saying that psychiatrists around here are shit, a general psych won’t do anything for me, he’s going to see what he can do, try and get a specialist, hopefully that at least means someone who specialises in gender issues. Worryingly he said it should take 30 days which is too short a period for anything meaningful. He also said the usual about me coming in again if I, well, I can’t remember what exactly he said but he used the term “not happy” that I had used earlier, good to know he was listening.

Despite my paragraphs the discussion lasted around 5 minutes, I his office a minute before the time my appointment was actually set for. I think I might have smiled a few times during talking due to the euphoria of releasing all of this onto someone physical.

The biggest fuck up though, something I only saw in hindsight was that I didn’t actually say that I had gender dysphoria or anything to that effect, all I said on the topic was that I was taking trans drugs. Nothing about feelings or reasons.

The other event today was that I received an email from my university, just asking me to confirm the notes taken from my misconduct hearing were accurate and notifying me that the decision will come in within 10 days. Based on the language used, I don’t think it’s going to be good, they’re still deserving the allegations against me as “severe”, they also stressed their duty of care to other pupils. Another tip off was the I received an email from student records asking me to register for graduation (I have earned a Diploma), it provided valid login details for the registration page however according to the schools IT department my accounts were still suspended.

I thought I was ready for this but my heart was beating painfully quickly when the emails came through, I am going to shatter once this is final.

Bought some Green Tea, an extra kick can’t hurt.

Not hit rank 5 on Hearthstone yet but close to golden portraits for all.

Watched John Oliver, I laughed or at least smirked again.