I just want to die

I sent some emails, one to the uni, another to the police, in an attempt to gather information and evidence for my appeal but I didn’t get anywhere. They were being deliberately unhelpful, no reply from anyone at the uni, I know they check their emails multiple times a day. The police won’t offer anything.

Letter from the university came in the post, mum saw it and wanted me to open it, she was excited for some fucking reason. I just ignored her and went back to my room. I don’t know what to say or if I should bother saying anything, maybe come clean about needing to appeal and when that fails I’ll just let the police tell them they found my corpse and then everyone can just make their own assumptions.

Dad asked if I was OK, as always, I don’t reply, just like with mum, their is no point in answering, not like they can help or even understand my emotions and the details of the issues I face.

470+ wins with all classes on Hearthstone, could have them all gold in a week. Going to struggle to find a reason to play until the expansion drops the following month. This is literally the only reason I can think of as to why I should live a little longer.

Clothes I ordered arrived, haven’t opened the packaging due to being upset.

Cleaned out my room a bit, filled up a bin bag, quite a depressing experience, among the things I threw away were old birthday gifts, just small things like notebooks and stationary, things people thought would be helpful in my life. It does hurt that I’ve disappointed others, best thing I can do is probably end it before I cause more pain.

Finasteride seems to have stopped the hairloss but the hairline isn’t recovering, going to buy some Duta.

email I sent to the uni

The letter says I should ask for guidance with my appeal, so can you tell me what sort of evidence I need? From the start there has been nothing for me to argue against, you just keep shutting me down by saying my points are not relevant.

The penalty IS disproportional but other than logic and common sense what evidence could prove this?

The criteria used to determine a proportionate penalty, as contained in paragraph 10.1 of the Student Misconduct Procedure, were not appropriately applied, but again other than logic and common sense how can this be proved?

What you keep leaning against in your correspondence with me is that my crime was “severe” and that you have a duty of care (implying I’m a threat), these are not facts, these are opinions, logic and common sense, so again how am I supposed to provide evidence to contradict you?

You also seem to have a bias against me and you can end my appeal before it reaches the student appeal committee, so I want to ask you specifically, what you need to see?

email I sent to the detective

I’ve officially been expelled from uni, they keep insisting that my crime was serious. It’s not fair, can’t you offer a word in my defence? I’m not a bad person and I don’t deserve this, they’ve never even really spoken to me, they don’t know who I am, I don’t know why they’re treating me this way but if you speak up for me, that’ll cripple their flimsy “argument” against me.

We’ve barely spoken either and I know you hate me but you at least pretended to be nice, nicer than most people I come across, you said I could speak to you I remember that,  I’m not expecting much from you, not even a reply but I have to do shit like this to say “I tried” so that there aren’t any doubts or regrets when it comes to whatever is next for me (NOT A THREAT, I know how it sounds but you should know by now that I’m a poor writer).

Our of interest, do you feel you did the right thing? Am I such a bad person?


17 thoughts on “I just want to die

  1. Here’s the thing, Poley. Mankind cannot live without religion. Not just you but everyone. If they throw away Christianity or Islam, they rush to create their own, perverse versions of it. So you see all these claims that reality is really just a computer simulation. Or more to the point, they replace religious morals with public morals, like what they’ve done to you. They condemned you for your sins and cast you out of the body of the faithful.

    But what’s perverse about SJW society is that they’ve perversely re-created Christianity without Christ — condemnation without possibility of redemption. They claim he was a philosopher, an ethicist, even a magician. He may have been those things but he was first and foremost a Redeemer. Redemption is possible with Christianity. It’s not possible with the perverse society you’re surrounded by — and, even more perversely, have internalized yourself. You too see punishment without redemption. You’re lost.


    • I agree mostly, I have thought similarly for a long time. The only sense of right and wrong you can rely on is your own. I know I’m the hero and I know they’re evil, the question is though, do they believes they’re heroes too? or do they know what they’ve done is wrong but find it acceptable because it promotes their agenda?

      I’ve always thought redemption was the most beautiful thing, my favourite stories involve it but they’re hard to find since the masses prefer to see “wrong doers” punished.


      • After all of the things you’ve done, you really believe you are the hero?

        Why? I could write a huge list of the shitty things you’ve done that have inconvenienced or harmed others, but I can’t think of a single thing you’ve ever done to help anyone.

        What’s your justification?


      • I never did anything “bad” unless I was victimised prior.

        I haven’t been able to help people recently because I have no social life and rarely leave the house, the opportunity does not present itself.


  2. TALK to your sister and your mom about the expulsion, maybe they could help you. I’m sure they don’t want you death. JUST TRY please Poley.


    • No, they’re not smarter than me, they have nothing of value to say to me, they are incapable of offering help.

      All they could do is guilt me into not killing myself, that’ll make them feel better in the short term but there will be suffering over the following decades.


  3. Your post made me feel genuinely bad for you, Poley. I won’t try to offer advice, but you are broken and you have to accept that the way you are isn’t normal. Normies will punish you for that no matter what you do.

    Even if you got back into university, got a job, and achieved a modicum of success in your life you’d still be you and subject to the same ridicule and contempt you’ve always experienced. These are the same things that made you want to lash out in the first place and will make you want to lash out in the future. Once you do that, the normies will always respond tenfold in the most spiteful and disproportionate way.

    The reason is because they have no interest in being reconciled with you. You were at the most a tiny blip on the radar of those Polish girls. You didn’t scar them for life and they barely even remember you or what you did. Yet even years later you continue to be punished. You mildly disturbed them at worst, and you had your life completely ruined as punishment.

    Even minor things that you do can indicate to normies that you’re terminally defective. Switched on people try to hide it as much as possible but you’ve worn your flaws almost as a badge of honour and are completely oblivious to how your actions are being viewed by others. Once you reveal how alien you are the rules do not apply. There’s nothing you can do in this situation to change that.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The University is supposed to be biased against you because society expects that.
    The police officer is supposed to be neutral.
    Hire a lawyer. He is supposed to stand on your side, help you and protect you.
    Your parents would gladly pay the lawyer for you I guess. If you have no clue what to do, no one will help you then pay some smart lawyer a whole lot of money to help you.


  5. See that’s your problem ribena you think no one have brains in your family to understand your problems. Tell me something have you ever told your family or any on in the family why the Polish girl have done that ? Why police habe arested you ? Why yoh have problems with your roommates ? The confusion/problem regarding your gender ?
    What I am trying say here talk to someone it will help for sure and if you do not you can then get your self a psychiatrist the only reason why I am saying this so you can talk to someone and get it off your chest.
    Also if your hatext bearing your dad or your siblings then just get a job which I assume now you have and get the hell out of that house mate.
    As far as uni goes hired a lawyer if you really are that keen to get back into the uni. They will fight for you and even if the uni do not satisfy then you can take them to the court.
    Again live you life forgot about the past live present and think about the future rather then being a dick head who keep saying ohh I am going end my life. Now it’s time to think smart as you keep saying no one in my family is smarter then me you have to proof it


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