I can see the ending and I’m fine with it

I exchanged some emails with university today, they’re playing the same games as always, I claim the target is invisible and they send a reply neither confirming nor denying it, they also come across as quite smug while doing it as if they know that I know and there’s nothing I can seemingly do about it. Emailed some solicitors too but it’s not really practical, there isn’t much time left (appeal has to be in in under 2 weeks) and there’s the issue of me living over 300 miles from the university so a consultation with a local brief would be difficult.

I decided to attend the job interview/registration event held by the company who I already registered with through the recruitment agency. It was held at a gold course, had to take a bus to get there, the bus driver was chipper and very nice, he asked around in order to get change for me. The other people at the interview were not a very colourful bunch, little over half of them were young paki males, two young white males (one of them looked like Dylann Roof), two or three older white males and there was one paki female with a headscarf too.

The people conducting the interviews and organising the event were all very nice, very smiley, I recognised one guy from primary school, I pretended I didn’t though he called me out on it and then I had to act out remembering him, he was nice, so fucking nice and intelligent too, by that I mean he didn’t seem out of place among his white co-workers. He asked questions and I was able to bluff them convincingly. I think I spoke well, it’s easier to communicate when you’re playing a character, if I’m comfortable lying then I can say anything and without fear of judgement too.

Waiting for the second part of the interview I spoke to a couple of others who were looking for employment too. An old white man who I initiated a conversation with, he was nice, we were able to speak near continually until he was called up though I was getting desperate towards the end. I was amazingly comfortable, I used the term “mummy and daddy” to refer to my parents. I later spoke to a young paki male who initiated conversation with me, I was far more comfortable speaking to him, he laughed and I think I did too or at least I was happy for a bit, I was able to recount my McDonalds story, I think I need a new reason for why I was fired after two weeks, the general truth is underwhelming. I have also realised I’ve used “I” far too much in this paragraph.

The man who called me over for the final part of the interview, older white man, he was also nice, got my name right, congratulated himself then I congratulated him, then I proceeded to lie some more. I think I came across as quite a sociable person, a normie, to everyone who I came into contact with today.

I was feeling quite upbeat on the hour long walk home, decided I could do with some exercise so didn’t hop on the bus though it’s also because I hate waiting while doing nothing, but then I remembered my awful situation and that this changes nothing, muttered to myself often during the journey.

I don’t think I wanted the uni thing to work out, I think I want it to fail so I can end the story, it’s as if that’s what’s supposed to happen, that that’s the only way to give my life meaning, otherwise I’ll just be like everyone else and my existence wouldn’t have mattered.

Work doesn’t start for another 3 weeks, this really sucks.

475+ wins with all classes on Hearthstone.

Watched South Park, not really funny but it’s a decent watch.

Going to start 8mg E/Progynova today. It did kinda get to me that the school friend recognised me.

Been having a lot of gay fantasies lately, probably brought about by anxiety related to not passing.

The dreams I have have also changed, no longer are they about transitioning, it’s about being a member of a futuristic version of the Fantastic Four, not really about being a super hero, it’s about having friends, there’s always an arc when I turn evil, attempt to destroy all reality and am redeemed.

Found my year old Sertaline and Propraponol while cleaning out the drawers.

I remembered a “deal” I made with my father before starting my current university course, he was mad that I’d dropped out of my previous university so to calm him I said that I’d kill myself if I dropped out again (not sure what term I used), I made a motion slitting my wrists so that he’d understand, he smiled.

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20 thoughts on “I can see the ending and I’m fine with it

  1. Poleaboo why do you always pretend like you’re actually going to kill yourself? You already admitted you won’t even consider it until you’re 30 (that’s 5 years) incase the tranny stuff works. I feel bad for the commenters being misled.

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    • Suicide fantasies are often used as a way of coping. Considering the messed up being poleaboo is it’s rather clear he falls back on it.

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      • True but it just feels a bit malicious to me. He’s very clear about it on /britfeel/ but he’s never mentioned the ‘until 30 plan’ on here and seems to want the commenters to be on edge/concerned.

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      • I don’t think he’s being manipulative, it’s a feeling and the guy has allowed himself to be guided by his feelz rather than intellect or faith. Naturally I think it’s the wrong approach entirely and that he’ll never find anything close to satisfaction so long as he places his self-esteem and bearings in the hands of his changing feelings, but I understand that this is where the ideation comes from.

        For the record I’ve been following since the original videos were posted, so I don’t think I’m being suckered here.

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      • Life is nothing more than feelings, you live to be happy and if you can’t achieve that then you want out.

        I’m glad there are people who have been following me for so long, you know me better than anyone else on the planet.

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      • Feelings are temporary. You’d be better off flipping coins to guide your life than to guide it based upon your feelings. It leaves you rootless, without any solid foundation upon which to base the myriad decisions you face every day.

        It doesn’t just leave you rudderless and lurching from feeling to feeling. Other people aren’t living this way, so it leaves you in their wake. You really don’t stand a chance until you reform.

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      • It’s already too fucked up at this point to go back to discussing philosophy.

        It’s done and what’s going to happen is going to happen.

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      • Anything that hasn’t happened is still preventable. The flipside of living your life by your feelz is that nothing is ever decided. You can still back away and you should give it seriously thought.

        This is why you spend more time (and money) pontificating about your future man-tits than your life.

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    • I am. You misunderstood something I said a while ago, “I will kill myself BEFORE 30”, this was also before I was officially expelled.
      It meant that “best case scenario” I was push along with life until 30 but that was the absolute limit, I was likely to kill myself long before then

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  2. hey poleaboo did u ever think you could publish your blog as a book. have you ever read the diary of adrian mole (fiction)? your (nonfiction) story is more raw and real. remember when the misery memoirs that were a big thing a few years ago. i honestly think that it couuld be a success. i guess im half trying to show that you do have something left to give??

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  3. I don’t think you could publish the blog in the traditional sense that hard copy books are published, but I’m 100% convinced the content will be be read and dispersed across the web for decades to come. It’s extremely poignant. This is your life’s work Poleaboo and you should be proud. Most great artists aren’t appreciated in their own time but rest assured brother, you have impacted many and you will be remembered.

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