I am feeling particularly down today, nothing too different about today compared to the days that have gone by so it must just be that it has been building for a while now and today is just the day I’ve become aware the weight on my shoulders is too much. It’s not even the arrest, that stuff normally excites me, the trial should be a dream but at this point I don’t really care anymore, even after this trial the police intend to arrest me again, I don’t want to keep repeating this story, it’s not a good one for me. Every time, I get arrested, have a fun little interview, meet some new people, have a laugh in the courts holding cells and then live in limbo with a limb cut off until things officially conclude, there is no “winning” for me, as soon as the wheels start spinning, I’m down and the only success I manage is getting back on my feet, those who knocked me down, never at any point do they suffer the pain of a single blow.
Why I am down right now is significantly due to not having a laptop or tablet, no Hearthstone to distract me, no constant stream of 4chan posts to surround me, I’m alone and always aware of this, there’s nothing I can do to numb this or distract myself, being aware of myself and my surroundings now has also made me more conscious of things such as my terrible hair, that never seems to grow and on closer inspection is too thin, it doesn’t help that I have no idea how to properly care for it, I read so much contradictory information.
Beyond my hair there’s also my face, my fucking facial hair, there’s just so much of it and even when it does successfully get zapped, it leaves its mark. I wish I had acknowledged being trans when I was younger, it really is too late for me, maybe if I hadn’t wasted time at that other laser clinic, who knows but as it is, I’m in a dire state and I don’t believe it will get better, even if it will, I know I can’t hold on long enough to see it through. I don’t even know if there was a chance for me at the beginning, maybe I was always screwed being born with these genetics and of this race.
I hate looking in the mirror yet I spend so much time doing it.
Suppose I have weight issues too, my sister calls it body dysmorphia but it’s not wrong to want a flat tummy. DNP is working but I overeat so I just break even, still sitting just above 140lbs.
Got on Universal Credit, got a job today but I don’t care, there was a time when I would have been happy working a min wage job, just have a bit of cash, have a purpose, maybe make some friends but I don’t want that anymore, I don’t know what I want in life beyond clearing my facial hair, not even that alone will make me happy.
Induction for the job is tomorrow.
Psych on the 8th but I don’t feel like talking about my gender stuff since it feels ridiculous now that I even thought it was a possibility for me, I’m not going to talk about suicide since she’ll just try talking me out of it and that’s not what I want, I am unhappy but I don’t know exactly why or how she can help so there isn’t much point in attending. Still gonna hit the tranny pills because why the fuck not? If nothing else, I at least know that they do make me feel better, I like reduced, thinner body hair and softer skin.
Laser on the 9th, I just feel angry but working on me is probably an impossible task. I’ll see what she has to say regarding the minor progress.