Psych but not really

Had my psych assessment today. The woman who conducted the assessment was Irish, she was nice, we spoke for almost 2 hours, this was surprising since my letter said we would only have 45-60 minutes. At first I didn’t have any difficulty speaking to her because her icebreaker regarding me being a student went off on a tangent about me having been expelled and arrested repeatedly. The woman wasn’t a doctor, not sure what her official title is, she was nice though and didn’t intimidate me.

I think I told her everything, except the Polish girls, not sure if they’re relevant, it’s more about my perceptions of people and my reactions. She wanted a general life story and from what I told her, she thought I had been depressed for a long time, I think she’s right, I haven’t had any friends since high school and even then I relied on people befriending me. My inability to communicate was a big deal, something that linked to most things I said, she was about to see that it was not something I was born with but something that I had learned, my father couldn’t speak English and my mother was negative, so I couldn’t ask for help or talk to anyone. Missed the boat on adding a few notes though such as muttering “stupid” to myself, that’s supposedly related to depression.

A term she repeated often was “standing too close to the ground”, I can’t see anyone but myself. My opinions and analysis always centres around myself, I don’t consider those around me. For example, if I get bullied, I don’t think for a second about why the bully does what he does, just what was wrong with me. Told her about the DNP and weight loss. Suicidal thoughts and wanting to harm myself or others, had to push that what I had were just fantasies, I would never really hurt someone else and as for suicide, it’s not in my upcoming plans but it’s what I want.

Issues of gender were really difficult for me to speak about, I looked away from her completely and couldn’t respond and swiftly, it was difficult to vocalise my emotions. It was a basic question too, she asked how long I had felt this way and I couldn’t pinpoint it, I said that I started crossdressing when I was 13/14 but then she asked about childhood and I can’t remember that far back in sufficient detail, I said something bland and worthless “being female felt right and male disgusting”, it’s semi-accurate, when I was young I didn’t have much idea of gender, boys and girls dressed the same in my paki primary school, I saw women who I perceived as cool on TV etc and I just assumed that that could have been me when I was older, puberty hit and I got smarter and realised that wasn’t how it was and became distressed but felt there was nothing I could do. I suppose females did seem special, my favourite Power Ranger was the pink one and the same goes for the other similar shows I watched back then (VR Troopers, Beetle Borgs), I liked the female the best, I just can’t explain why. She was supportive throughout, I told her though that I don’t think transitioning is viable and current genital reassignment surgery is poor, her response was positive, there are frequently advances in this area, anything is possible.

A couple of small things I told her and expanded on, I hate pakis, told her why I hate them too, gave a top 5 list instead of top 20, told her I don’t find men or women sexually attractive in that I never see a man or woman and think “I’d like to fuck him/her”, she thinks that could be depression/reduced libido and lastly I did say that I was agnostic again. Might be more but that’s all I recall.

I’ve been referred to a clinical psychologist, the treatment will be over a long period, not just 6 sessions (the minimum), there will be a timelimit though, there always is. Still no GIC but that’s my fault for not asking, I did however correct the woman when she suggested that communication was my main issue not the gender stuff.

Got the library banned from 4chan so I will be serving my 30 day ban.