I wasn’t able to post an update over the Xmas holidays as the library was closed, I’ve been banging my head against the wall and binge eating over the 10 day period, without internet access, I have no clue how to waste the day. I’ve gone up from under 10 stone and put on around 5/6 pounds (hopefully I’m at the point where it will go to feminine areas, breasts would be best). I’m hoping I’ll be able to refocus now and begin an extreme low calorie diet, like I was able to during my initial run of success at losing weight. The rate of facial hair loss is still not what I want it to be, I feel I have made a mistake starting HRT when a beardless face seems an impossible dream, it’s really aggravating my dysphoria. My next laser session is in a few days but that doesn’t make me feel much better or worse, just angry.
The biggest thing to happen over the period, I suppose, would be that my sister now knows I have gender dysphoria. My brother came into my room while I was epilating, neither of us said anything, it was a bit awkward. I figured I had nothing to be embarrassed of, I was told this was normal on 4chan months ago, so I decided to be open about it and went downstairs a bit later and told my family “I had an announcement to make” and then proceeded to admit to epilating, it was a joke, something to further express how little it meant. I didn’t expect a response at all but my sister jumped on me without delay and asked “Is there something else you want to tell us?”, I told her no, she kept at me, said it was OK, spoke to me like a child and outright asked “Do you want to be a girl?”, I told her to fuck off and left the room. She followed me and I sat in front of my bedroom door until she left. Later she would pick up where she left off, this time in front of family, saying “we would support you, why would you think otherwise” and that I needed to talk because they were my support system. I made my admission to her in private but covered my bases, I told her that I wasn’t sure where I was, that was why I am seeking help and that there were various ways to deal with the feelings I have. She left it there but said that I shouldn’t lose anymore weight, I’m already too skinny (untrue, I’ve just lost a lot of muscle mass due to HRT and my clothes look baggy, she doesn’t know I’m on HRT). I didn’t deny the truth more strongly because I assumed she already knew, I thought she or someone else had seen my female clothes in my room after the police raid. Allegedly she was able to figure it out due to me wanting to grow out my hair, wanting to be “super skinny” and epilating was the final required clue.
This happened about a week ago, we haven’t discussed it since, guess she respected that I didn’t want to speak about it and that I would when I needed to, what is confusing though is that she keeps attacking my dieting.
The psych assessment woman wrote a letter back to me, I’d listed my old phone number hence she couldn’t contact me via phone. I’ve been put on a list for “counselling”, the difference between this and therapy, as I understand it, is that counselling is to target specific known issues, whereas therapy tries to discover them. Not sure if I still want help, I feel so hopeless about so many things. The letter was received before Xmas, I was told I could call her in order to get her feedback on my assessment, I tried to do this but she wasn’t in, waiting for her to call back.
The lack of internet has made me very easy to aggravate, I have not been a pleasant person to be around during the holidays. That’s the same as usual though, I’m a black hole of negativity to all those around me and it makes me feel terrible. I can’t stress enough how miserable I’ve been without internet, I’ve been bouncing off the walls and feeling like physically smashing my head against the wall.
One other thing I am angry about right now is the realisation that my nose is fucked up, it’s not hooked but it’s wider on one side or something, I always thought I just wasn’t standing dead centre where looking at myself in the mirror but this is it, I just have a fucked up nose and it looks like one I’ve inherited from my father, this explains why people hate and avoid me. Hate my father more now, I got his dark skin and his fucked up nose, the other physical issues I have are more likely from him than my mother too.
American BattleBots revival is much better than the British Robot Wars, lower weight limit and laxer rules result in more entertaining battles, the arena, presentation and production values are all superior also.
Universal Credit sucks but at least it comes across as though they actually want me to find work, I have weekly appointments and must spend 35 hours a week jobsearching.
As for Xmas day, it was spent the same as usual, we watched the telly and had a special dinner, chicken instead of turkey though since there’s no reason for us to spend extra on one (again).