R.I.P. Jenny Swift


My heart breaks when reading stories like this, just a reminder that there is so much more work that needs to be done. I can imagine how distressed and hopeless she must have been feeling, I know I would have done the same thing if I was in her position, to live as a man is bad enough but live as a man whilst in prison for a decade? Fuck that.

I’m pretty sure I’m in Ketosis now, had around 5g of carbs yesterday and less than 1000 calories for the day, I think the water weight has already started to come off, I’m back down to 139.75lbs. My diet consists on cheddar cheese, almonds and salted peanuts (around 80g fat, 40g protein). Pokemon has proven to be an effective distraction from the hunger, it’s just a shame I can’t access the online features at present, a sacrificial 3DS is required in order to perform the fix but I can’t expend the cash right now and hacking another console would be too much of a chore right now, especially without my laptop.

For some unknown reason my sister is attacking me over my weight loss and dieting again, she’s making comments that would suggest I never shared that I was having gender identity issues with her.

  • “I don’t know any guys who cut out carbs”
  • “Fair enough you want to lose fat but men eat protein and go to the gym to build muscle, not just to lose weight”
  • “You need to go to the gym, you need to build muscle”

Her references to male behavior are just shocking, I think the only reasonable explanation is that she was trying to get me to open up about gender again by forcing me to explain myself.

Had laser today, got a good close shave last night and the settings on the machine were turned up so I’ve got my hopes up (as usual), it does irk me though how the laser settings aren’t set as high as possible ASAP, the pain is terrible, I struggle to imagine anything worse but I will endure anything to soften my dysphoria. Perhaps unsurprisingly the city centre was near devoid of humanity, a stark contrast to the same time last month and the month before that, what was surprising however was that the laser clinic only seemed to have one person on duty, last time I was there there were at least 5. My technician has gathered that I don’t want any small talk, doesn’t make me feel much less awkward.

I am currently experiencing dysphoria regarding my shoulders, they really are just a bit too broad to be wearing certain clothes, perhaps I just need a larger size?

“Friend” from high school is getting married, don’t really know anything about her though, safe to assume she’s a paki though. It annoys me greatly that he seems to have attained a decent life for himself, a safe job, friends, travels regularly and now a partner. The only solace is that he is incredibly insecure, he constantly lies about his job title, edits himself onto Wikipedia, he’s a complete tool, writes, dresses and behaves like a typical teenage paki despite being 25, plus he definitely has negro blood, can tell from his dark skin and kinda nappy hair, the cunt is literally only capable of one hairstyle. It hurts because I’m superior to him, or at least I was, same with another friend of ours, it’s not fair that I had to be the one society dubs a failure. I’ll probably get invited to his wedding even though we haven’t spoken for almost a decade and he rejected my facebook friend request (yes, I reacted to this as you’d expect). Managed to get him with a fake girl account though, pathetic, I have enough tools to cause some serious irl problems for him, sucks for him to be a paki with a unique name.

Got a job interview but I suspect it might be more than that, it’s a 2am-10am night shift (different to the advertised shift time), only 16 hours a week to start with and they want to meet me tomorrow, so it’s likely I already have the job. Although reading the advert again, it does sound rather demanding in terms of skills, it’s a kitchen role, though given the hours I’d imagine I’d just be moving stock and cleaning. Rather impressed with myself, getting 3 job in 45 days.

Still nothing from the psych, a month since the assessment and 2 weeks since I was put on the list for counselling.


6 thoughts on “R.I.P. Jenny Swift

  1. Sorry, Poley, I’m sure transgender people committing suicide in prison strikes close to home. Transgender people attempt suicide at a rate comparable to concentration camp victims — 41%, ten times that of the population — and sadly this one also allegedly killed a young man too.

    The best thing that needs to be done is getting these people adequate mental health care. That includes you, because frankly you’re a walking time bomb that has presented your photographs of self-harm as if they’re some kind of gory selfie and has made constant reference to harming others.

    This should be a wake up call. You’re not so different and you’ve chosen a path — it didn’t “happen” to you, this is the path you’ve chosen — of self-medicating your mental illness and living a life of marginalization, devoted to cultivating insanity and death. You should let your family section you to get the help you need. I would wager the courts and police would eventually be more understanding if you came out of the other end of that process with some wide-eyed realizations about yourself an the world.


    • Nice read

      But I’ve done my part, I talked to my GP, I asked for help and it appears I’ve been ignored. I obviously want to sort out my life but it’s not happening and no one is helping me, I’m on my own, I always have been and I’m getting through it, whatever happens, happens because there was absolutely no other way it could have gone.

      The police fucked me over, they don’t want to understand me or see me “rehabilitate”, ideally all they want from me are more easy arrests.


    • Owned an anal vibrator back before my first arrest. Female copper found it while searching my room, she picked it up and looked to her male colleague and grinned. Sounds fake but it was painfully real, nothing came of it, I spoke normally with both of them later.

      As for fantasies, getting raped is quite common.


  2. You never really fully acknowledged to your sister the depths of your depravity. She’s trying to draw it out of you by goading about what ‘real men’ do and don’t do. She can already guess what’s going on. She sounds like she cares about you a lot and she’s probably as close as you’ll get to moral support. Why not let her into your world?

    BTW. Just an observation, at the beginning of this blog (Aberdeen) you struck me as a Alt-right, UKIP-supporting, red-pilled conservative. You’re sounding more and more like a gender fluid social justice warrior these days though. Are you aware of this transformation?


    • I don’t doubt my sister wants to help but I find complete unconditional support and understanding to be offensive, I also hate it when I am challenged too much

      I still support UKIP because I hate immigrants. I am left wing on economics (since I’m NEET) except that I don’t like that immigrants have access to benefits etc

      I’m not an SJW, I’m trans but that doesn’t make me socially left wing


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