Still banging my head (to be updated later)

Still feel like banging my head against the wall and I’m becoming more comfortable with committing suicide soon, at no point during the day do I feel good, killing myself would cause my family distress and this causes me distress but equally continuing to live is negative to my families existence too and that causes me distress so I shouldn’t factor in my family at all when deciding to end it. I really hate my mother for disallowing me internet access at home, it was the only joy I had in my life and more importantly it was the only way I could communicate with others, the only way I could let off whatever was on my mind, get feedback and feel better about my situation, now it just builds and builds and I hate living. Considering buying a physical diary, I feel like it would help, being able to write whenever I felt like it. I’ll pop into the pound shop or WHSmith to look for one.

I don’t even remember what I did yesterday or the day before other than play Pokemon.

Hate the NHS, the woman who did my assessment etc, I asked for help, I did my part but I haven’t gotten anything back, such a waste of time but at least now I know I’m on my own and no one can blame me for the decisions I make. So frustrating, what the fuck am I supposed to do now? More than half the advise I ever got on this blog was “seek professional help” and now I have gone down that route and nothing.

Seriously considering de-transitioning, I like how my body has come along but my face is some way away from being free of facial hair, I don’t want to hit 1 year on HRT and still have beard shadow. Really hate my chin right now too.

Need to get a hair cut, I believe what I need to ask for is for my hair to be thinned out at the back, maybe the sides too but it’s far worse at the back.

Really hate Universal Credit, takes so long to complete the required weekly worksearch and I only get my cash at the end of the month.

Fucked up my Keto diet again (and general calorie control) but without water and carbs bloating me, my tummy looks alright, not where I want to be but not overly distressing.

I hate that my mum watches paki dramas on freeview, it just disgusts me that she identifies with that culture, the shows are fucking trash, they’re all set primarily in a family home and centre around marriage problems (cruel husband/mother-in-law) and women who don’t work. It’s the misogynistic backdrop that offends me the most.

Paki sixth form student sat next to me in the library yesterday, seen him around before, the way he carries himself offends me, many skinny pakis move in a similar way, I also don’t like how he dresses or how he keeps a bottle of Diet Coke in his rucksack and takes sips from it intermittently. He was uggo too, bad skin.

Dad says he can get me a job at a petrol station.

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6 thoughts on “Still banging my head (to be updated later)

  1. Dont kill yourself poley. Your blog posts are the only thing that reminds me that someone has it shittier than me. On the other hand you’re a paki autist tranny so i’ll try not to be too broken up when you finally tie the rope :^)

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    • The thought that I could kill myself and end all my suffering at any time is all that keeps me going. It’s reassuring to know I have the power to end my suffering if it becomes too much.

      It’s the same with those who persecute me, it comforts me to know that I could take revenge.

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    • Turns out you lot were right, I am a narcissist, read a BBC article about Saddam Hussein’s interrogator, Saddam enjoyed the interaction just like I enjoy the police interviews, the reason stated in the article was that he was a narcissist

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  2. you’re undergoing a major self identity crisis. I don’t want to downplay what you’re experiencing, because it sounds terrible. But many (most?) men you age go through this period. You are in the process of forging a self-identity, and as most people do, you are constructing this identity with reference to your parental role models. Obviously you hold your parents, and in particular you father, in very low regard. This is making the self-identification process more difficult. You have shunned not only your fathers cultural values but also his very masculinity. This is what causes your strong desire to remake yourself as a white female CIS.

    This is what’s occurring at a psychoanalytical level. If you see a state sponsored therapist they may not give you this explanation, as they tend to make a general text book diagnosis (eg depressed, generalized anxiety etc) and fill you up with the latest trend in anti-depressants / mood stabilizers

    The actual road to recovery is simpler. You’ll laugh when I say it (because the phrase is often derided on R9K) – learn what it is to be you. Do not define yourself in opposition to anything or anyone

    I can see your personality on your blog clearly. Others can too. But you can’t because your mind is preoccupied with your contempt for your parents. This needs to be the next arc of your story

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    • This is a long and interesting post but that doesn’t mean you’re right. I can accept that I may be having an identity crisis, my views on pakis are certainly strange. However, I have felt I was born the wrong gender for over a decade, I feel that needs exploration separate from my other issues such as those involving my parents.

      Probably won’t do counselling, I’m really quite angry right now about how long it is taking.

      “learn what it is to be you”, not possible, you need the right environment for that, something that facilitates that discovery, it’s impossible for me because I don’t have the opportunity to interact with people or do anything.

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