Still feel like banging my head against the wall and I’m becoming more comfortable with committing suicide soon, at no point during the day do I feel good, killing myself would cause my family distress and this causes me distress but equally continuing to live is negative to my families existence too and that causes me distress so I shouldn’t factor in my family at all when deciding to end it. I really hate my mother for disallowing me internet access at home, it was the only joy I had in my life and more importantly it was the only way I could communicate with others, the only way I could let off whatever was on my mind, get feedback and feel better about my situation, now it just builds and builds and I hate living. Considering buying a physical diary, I feel like it would help, being able to write whenever I felt like it. I’ll pop into the pound shop or WHSmith to look for one.
I don’t even remember what I did yesterday or the day before other than play Pokemon.
Hate the NHS, the woman who did my assessment etc, I asked for help, I did my part but I haven’t gotten anything back, such a waste of time but at least now I know I’m on my own and no one can blame me for the decisions I make. So frustrating, what the fuck am I supposed to do now? More than half the advise I ever got on this blog was “seek professional help” and now I have gone down that route and nothing.
Seriously considering de-transitioning, I like how my body has come along but my face is some way away from being free of facial hair, I don’t want to hit 1 year on HRT and still have beard shadow. Really hate my chin right now too.
Need to get a hair cut, I believe what I need to ask for is for my hair to be thinned out at the back, maybe the sides too but it’s far worse at the back.
Really hate Universal Credit, takes so long to complete the required weekly worksearch and I only get my cash at the end of the month.
Fucked up my Keto diet again (and general calorie control) but without water and carbs bloating me, my tummy looks alright, not where I want to be but not overly distressing.
I hate that my mum watches paki dramas on freeview, it just disgusts me that she identifies with that culture, the shows are fucking trash, they’re all set primarily in a family home and centre around marriage problems (cruel husband/mother-in-law) and women who don’t work. It’s the misogynistic backdrop that offends me the most.
Paki sixth form student sat next to me in the library yesterday, seen him around before, the way he carries himself offends me, many skinny pakis move in a similar way, I also don’t like how he dresses or how he keeps a bottle of Diet Coke in his rucksack and takes sips from it intermittently. He was uggo too, bad skin.
Dad says he can get me a job at a petrol station.