Forever Lost

[EDIT: Definitely killing myself, I’ve had enough and I’ve tried enough, I went to the GP and asked for help, waited a few months and it’s turned out to be a bust, growing my hair felt good but there was no end product, there is no help, I don’t have it in me to try again. Further, I don’t believe my relationships with my family are salvageable nor that they genuinely care about me. I’m going to do my research and go out, brightly]

I phoned up my GP surgery and removed myself from their list of patients. Not 100% sure why, but I felt alone and wanted to make it more official, there’s also the fact I don’t see myself going back there, it was hard enough to visit the once and speak of my issues. I get angry every time I think about my hair and sister. She said “people” were laughing at me, it’s so in the vein of something my father would say and after she got her way she acts as if it’s over and done with, that because I lost, she got what she wanted, that we can just move on, that’s a trait she shares with both our parents. I’m the loser, a bitter loser and I never forget.

I’m still incredibly down about my hair, it’s not just hair that I’ve lost, it’s time, it’s going to take longer to get to the point where I am comfortable with myself and time is so important, it’s unrecoverable. I suppose I can only get so worked up since I still have facial hair so it’s not like I can stomach to look at myself in the mirror yet (or anytime soon) anyway. However I would like to think I’d have made significant progress with laser in 4 months time and that’s the amount of hair growth I’m estimating I’ve lost.

The worst thing about all of this is that my sister betrayed me, I thought she understood but she was just another manipulative bully. I am no longer speaking to her and I actively dislike her. It’s sad that she was able to touch me a few weeks ago when she claimed she and the rest of my family were my “support system”, more like parasites.

I feel more alone than ever, no internet, no family, no psych to talk to, it’s just me, this is how I felt it had always been and what has led to me making the decisions I have. There’s so much time in the day, I don’t know what to do with it so I started taking midday naps but it’s not enough, I can’t play pokemon for long enough either (at least not without internet access).

Arranged an appointment with my solicitor, he wants to go over the evidence, I’m reckoning he wants me to plead guilty.

Had an argument/discussion with my sisters, they wanted me to take that accountant job my dads friend was offering, they ddin’t understand why I didn’t want it and my youngest sister hit pretty hard using terms like ‘dead end job’, I eventually gave it and told them, that a shitty little minimum wage job was all I wanted, I felt it was a better fit for someone liek myself and that I was not suited to go to university, that I had made a mistake. My self-esteem is probably related but I didn’t mention it, we’d just go around in circles, back to blaming my parents (a min wage job WOULD be an improvement on what my parents managed, that’s possibly one of the reasons I felt such pride when wearing my amusement park/McDonalds uniform).

I’m currently being triggered by a guy in the library with longer hair than me.

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26 thoughts on “Forever Lost

  1. Could you articulate to us why you don’t want to take the accounting job?

    I realise you’ve had a rough time, but that job offer seems like a lifeline out of your current hole and you’re dismissing it as if it’s yet another problem for you.

    The way you’re thinking and feeling now is being exacerbated by your lack of activity and mental distractions – it would happen to anyone (anyone) deprived of intellectual and social stimulation. That you were able to make it to very near the end of your university course (appreciate for a moment how many never get that far) is evidence that you’re most definitely capable of performing what’s required in the role.

    If you can stick it out through a McDonald’s or theme park job, you can also manage the constant mundanity of accounting – you have a never-ending flow of reasons to remain distracted.

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    • It’s because I feel I’m not knowledgeable enough for the role, I have no idea what is expected of me and I remember little from my studies and I’ve forgot basic key elements such as debits/credits and how to prepare financial statements. I got decent/good grades but I wasn’t really learning the concepts and important non-exam relevant factors.

      Not knowing what to do causes me great anxiety, that’s why I never do new things, why I never go to new shops or places
      This type of anxiety is exactly why I quit and broke down in tears during my mail sorting job recently

      Even as a kid in school (only urdu language class, my mum forced me to take it) and mosque I would cry if I didn’t know what to do.
      I’m not sure where it comes from

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      • Do you really think they’re just going to drop you in the deep end with no introduction or explanation?

        If you learned it before, then refreshing your memory will not take long at all – you could manage the whole thing in an afternoon.

        Stop making excuses for yourself and go for it.

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      • I don’t need an introduction to the deep end or shallow end, I need a re-introduction to water in general.

        Also, there’s no “they”, I’m pretty sure it’s just a one man band

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      • My life experiences say otherwise. It’s been pretty rough for my mother and her family too, might get more into that at some point but I hate even thinking about it.

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      • if you are only worried that you have forgotten most of the accounting concepts i personally do not think it will be a trouble. go and look for your self most of the people working in accounts do not have any proper degree in accounts and yet they are working in accounts. also where ever you are going to work initially they will give you training and let you know what need to be done so don’t chicken out

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  2. Do you ever read through your old blog entries? Might help to gain an outside perspective on your life and problems. Good luck Poleaboo.

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      • Actually I’m starting to believe the pills are working, because you’re behaving like a hysterical woman. It’s hair that will grow back, and better if you make concrete steps now to find a women’s salon (and I mean right now — stop glowering at people in the library that don’t even know you exist and do something useful with yourself) that can give you (in these exact words) “a neat haircut while I’m growing it out to shoulder length.”

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      • Thanks for the advice, it’s especially appreciated since my identity possibly conflicts with your religious views. However I am not taking the risk of a haircut again and I can’t take my hair being any shorter

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  3. Mate i think you should get that accountant job…. right now you do not have any thing to do so why not the accounts job for which you have actually gone 4 years of university ???? and if you are going to earn more then minimum wage then whats wrong with it ??? if you earn more then you can leave your parents house and get your own house so you do not have to put up with your family and live your life the way you want, and please don’t be foolish about the hairs they will eventually grow again its not the end of the road.
    sincerely bro being what ever you are right now and doing what ever you have done so far did not suit you why not try to be a normie for once and see what happened. just a little advice mate do not look for the people who are above you look for the people who are beneath you and be thankful to god (Allah)/ who ever you want to be thankful

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    • >once we were friends
      irl?

      I’m turning down the job because of my anxiety, I feel I’ll mess up. However, right now I have a better excuse, I have an interview for another job scheduled for tomorrow, so if I can get that then I don’t need to go so far out of my comfort zone.
      Also, this town sucks, you can buy a house on minimum wage, though I’d be happy with a flatshare at this point (I genuinely can’t remember the horrors of previous years)

      >hairs they will eventually grow again
      can’t get back time and I will be upset until they grow back

      >be thankful to god (Allah)
      I don’t have a severe issue with religious people but religion has not helped me and I don’t believe it can, I want no part of it but thank you very much for your support and trying to help.

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  4. Take the job poleaboo. I know you have anxiety and a fear of failure but you’re at an emotional bottom right now. You have no where else to fall and thus nothing to lose.
    You can still make it. The job will give you purpose and eventually allow you to escape your family.

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  5. Take the job! If you take it and fail, the worst that could happen is that you got fired, then it will be as if you never took it. Take a risk. You need something to live for, some activity.

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  6. Social proficiency, and the comfort derived from it, takes practice. Find places to volunteer, to get that practice. As a bonus, you will also get job-skills, references, pseudo work history, etc. And, being a volunteer, you have absolutely no obligation to be there, so you can go or leave at whatever pace you’re comfortable – though some places have schedules that they need to have followed.

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    • I’d love to volunteer but it’s more of a city thing, not really possible in my town and I believe even then these days there are so many people who want to volunteer that it’s almost like applying for a job.

      My fabricated CV seems to be doing fine work for me right now, I don’t necessarily need work history or references.

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