Getting by

I haven’t received an email yet from the call centre, they said it would be three (working?) days before I got a response, I suppose it’s a knock then due to my availability. I don’t feel good about this but not as bad as I should feel, I thought this would be the first step in sorting out a life for myself (job>move out>friends>partner). Not sure what to do now.

I’m confident now that I will not be attending my counselling, I no longer feel like talking and with the time delay, it’s pointless, since month to month I’m never in the same place emotionally. As before there’s also the issue of not knowing what I want out of counselling. I have my meds and I’ll continue to take them and if things get too much, I’ll end myself, I’m completely comfortable with this. I will however re-register with my GP today, it doesn’t do anything positive to be without one. Nevermind, I’ve been removed from my surgeries list of patients as I requested last week, can’t be bothered to go through the full process of registering all over again. No GP probably means I’ve disappeared of the counselling list anyway.

Got some cash off my dad to cover the train tickets.

Playing Pokemon all day, got lucky with some IVs and wonder trades, spending my time EV training and such. Need to get a 6IV Ditto off /vp/ or wait for Bank. Using a Castform I was able to trade my way to an additional Cosmog, Type:Null and the Pokemon Sun exclusive legendary Pokemon. It feels much easier to stick to my diet now, no damage seems to have been done as I’m still around the 10 stone/140lbs mark.

All my day consists of is playing Pokemon, I’m happy enough with this, for now.

My mother has started praying and reading some religious text, it’s annoying me greatly. I mocked her to get my point across (you’re praying to someone that doesn’t exist, you don’t even understand the arabic text you’re reading, it’s basically a fantasy spellbook), I haven’t gone all in with the Muhammad being a pedophile and misogyny stuff yet and I doubt I will. My mother can’t refute my points, she only asks when I “lost” my faith, that’s when I remind her that none of us were ever religious, she ignores that and keeps asking the same stupid question.

I see a slightly chubby paki woman with a headscarf on a computer, I wonder if she has/is been abused in the same way as my mother. I feel sad now.

The paki men and other foreigners I see here only make me feel anger.

A Chinese man is holding a tablet suspiciously close to face with a look of desperation, he’s sitting at a computer but the tablet isn’t connected to it and the screen is turned away from his face.

The white people here don’t even register.

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4 thoughts on “Getting by

    • No, it’s the opposite if anything.

      I just don’t feel like a need a therapist to validate me anymore. Keep in mind it was back in October that I asked my GP to speak to someone. I’ve spent the last 3+ months not speaking, just thinking, asking myself questions and finding the answers.

      Back then I was worried about becoming sterile but now it has probably happened so now I’ve had to just get over it.

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  1. I like how you go from showing some empathy for a woman who might have been raped as your mother was to ridiculing your mother’s beliefs for no reason. Here’s hoping she gets to Ibn Majah 3:20:2540 and recognizes what needs to be done.

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