Cart before the horse

I went to sleep at 8pm yesterday, I was tired an wanted a good nights sleep, it worked out, I was well rested but I still found it difficult to get out of bed, 9-6 shift.

Today was terrible and I’m considering suicide again, I had two especially bad calls, both times they wanted to escalate to a manager, the first call was an hour long, the pathetic man said he was recording the call, I did report it to a manager but I was able to get him to hangup, so I just looked like an idiot, by the end of the call I was shaking and felt like crying. The other call was just some dumb paki bitch thought if she kept asking for a refund that she’d get it, had to escalate because she wouldn’t give up. This was escalated to a different manager, she was so nice, made me feel worse for screwing up.

There were some other incidents where I looked like an idiot in front of 3 other “superiors”, on more than one occasion

I also made two massive fuck ups, one resulted in an email being sent to everyone but noted that if it happened again that would be when people were hunted down. The other fuck up will be discovered iin a few days, no way to justify doing it, lying or why I didn’t ask for help to correct it.

A coworker is continuing to be nice to me, the Man City fan, he’s a lad, he touches me on the shoulder and calls me a “G”, just like everyone else, I don’t know how to respond, I just smile and look away.

My binder straps were showing at times, hope it just looked like a vest.

What made me want to end it was the quality assessment, I heard my voice played back to me, I sound like a typical dense common as muck paki, don’t know why anyone bothers communicating with me if I sound and look the way I do and I don’t understand why I sound this way, I used to be told I sounded “superior” when I was younger, some people couldn’t tell where I was from and I don’t understand why I sound this way when my siblings sound normal. I can’t stand sounding this way, it’s difficult to change, with the wait gain and everything else I can say I completely hate everything about myself. I did have a sore throat but I don’t think that was it.

I’ve been imagining my exit from work, conceding I should have worked on my personal issues through counselling and CBT before trying to work. I just want it to be over, it’s perverse that I willingly subject myself to pain every day.

Going to call the psych place tomorrow as it’s my day off, see if I’m still on their books and see if I can talk about my difficulties. I’ll also make sure I’m registered with a GP.


8 thoughts on “Cart before the horse

  1. don’t worry about work. it’s a low pay casual thing. you can walk out the door anytime and pick up another pronto

    more importantly – about the doctor, if you want immediate attention and avoid the red tap bullshit tell em you’re suicidal


    • I know you’re right about the red tape, they tell you as much that they prioritize based on risk profiles.

      I doubt I’ll get another job this good, I went over a year unemployed. I’ve also now failed at call centre and warehouse work, plus I could never work retail


  2. You see yourself through the eyes of others. Most people do this sometimes but you do it ALL the time. As a result, your life is a constant quest for self identity and validation. This problem is solvable but you need to adjust your perspective. It’s a simple (but not an easy) process. Persevere.


    • How do I adjust my perspective? I can’t imagine seeing the world any other way

      I don’t like the way I see things, I hate it but the alternative to me seems to be just living in a bubble


  3. What made such a strange creature? You should write your autobiography in posts here. I would like to know what Poleaboo’s early years and teen years were like.


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