2 days of freedom

Good day at work, no callers got especially mad at me. An Irish woman knew I was in the Manchester region based on my accent, she watches a lot of Coronation Street, I don’t know if I should be happy about that, Manchester accent might be code for paki accent. The Man City fan at work gave my shoulder a squeeze, it still confuses me, I was about to initiate an exchange with him and the DnD guy but not the guy sitting next to me, he’s still trying though and is funny. A new character acknowledged me, I think, on my way out. Exchanged a smile and a greeting with two of the girls from my training group, it’s really stemming the vindictiveness I was/am feeling towards those from my training group who are sitting in the areas where the other CS agents are based, I don’t like seeing how they’ve better integrated than me, I don’t like seeing them laughing and joking. It’s unreasonable and makes no sense since I prefer to be left completely alone.

I’m glad to have a weekend off, getting burned out.

Bought my tickets to court, paid with AMEX even though there was a charge since it’s outweighed by the reward points.

My youngest sister got a part time job.

Brother is moving into a ridiculously expensive flat with his best friend today. Mum is enabling him and he didn’t consult us because our family doesn’t talk about real stuff.

Still no idea what to spend my cash on. Should probably be nothing since I need to offset the cost of my train tickets.

Only moment of note from today was a missed call I chased up, some Indian woman answered, she didn’t know why I was called, assumed it was a job offer, she said “bye”, I said “fuck you” in the corner of the bookstore. I’ll admit I wasn’t a good caller, I insisted it was the job centre who called me when it wasn’t. Still mad though.

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4 thoughts on “2 days of freedom

  1. You crave the acceptance and companionship of your colleagues, but simultaneously feel unworthy of their friendship. Consequently, you spurn their warm gestures but feel slighted when they form their own peer group.

    Nothing will change until you improve your self-esteem. Your self-esteem will not improve until you resolve your identity crisis and begin seeing the world through your own eyes

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    • >but simultaneously feel unworthy of their friendship
      I generally agree with your post except perhaps this part, I don’t think it’s about feelings but rather practicality

      I don’t know how to talk to people or what to do with them, I want friends but I don’t know what having friends actually involves, so I am incapable of actually maintaining a friendship

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  2. The Irish woman’s comment was just friendly conversation- she could tell you are from Manchester and was trying to strike up some rapport by mentioning her personal point of contact with your local area. She was establishing common ground. You really need to try to break the habit of always assuming people have negative motives when they interact with you.
    Also, if you’re thinking about something to buy, instead of spending your cash on more pointless tat, consider paying for some private Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (I’m sure you know NHS waiting list takes a very long time). It doesn’t necessarily cost that much- a course of 6 weekly appointments for around £90 is worth it if you learn skills that can help you in the future. If you commit to attending, and do your homework, CBT will help you understand your feelings, organise your thoughts and break destructive cycles of thinking and behavior. And once you’ve learned how to do it, you’ll have the tools to move forward, on your own. Genuinely… take a positive step by investing in your long term health. You being a functional independent adult is a better gift for your family than any harry potter bullshit.

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